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What would you think of light BDSM requests when having ohhh with someone new?

I (24F) am very submissive and enjoy ohhh significantly more when the guy acts quite dominant (nothing really extreme, I think). I’ve asked for it twice with uninterested to bad reactions. So I want to see if there’s consensus. What’s your opinion?

We’re talking anything that signals dominance from the guy: grabbing my hair, grabbing my face, holding my wrists against the mattress, grabbing my neck (no real chocking, though. Big fan of oxygen), some spanking and scratching, forcing eye contact when im giving head and also pushing my head, manhandling and that sort of thing. Maybe sometimes being a bit forceful and intense, but more than that, being in control. I also love verbal encouragement, things such as “good girl”, “good job”, “come here”, “here, baby do this” and the likes. I like to have to beg to go down on him or to be fucked… However, to mix things up, I hate degradation, being called a “slut” etc. I like to be dominated and controlled from a place of care and respect in a way… ask my brain about that one, I don’t get it either 🙂

I’d like to clarify I don’t expect cirque du Soleil energy, just writing that last paragraph made me exhausted (maybe on my birthday? …4th of July?) Also, submissive =/= pillow princess, I’m a very committed and enthusiastic player! I have no problem changing things up but this is my clear preference and I think I need it at least occasionally to be sexually satisfied.

Lastly, how would you like a girl to approach this topic? is it so serious that you think it should come up in conversation beforehand (to give you a chance to run away screaming)? Maybe you can think of ways to find out how they feel about it beforehand without making it super explicit? Or to introduce the idea while having a drink in a way that’s hot and not scary?

TL,DR; I want to ask for dominant things during ohhh from the future men I have ohhh with. I’d like to see what men in general think about that since my experience so far hasn’t been too positive. Also, how to introduce the topic to the hypothetical guy in question.


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21 Comments

  1. It’s gonna be a dodgy thing with most guys.

    Especially in this climate…. Any proof of being forceful, which to be frank is easy to do on some women even in very light bdsm (bruises or other markings) can easily be used against you in a sexual assault/rape case.

    Establishing some sort of communication so that he knows if he’s genuinely going to far would also be good. Personally I am into it a bit, but it requires a certain degree of trust and familiarity. For a fairly fit guy, the line between “good” hurt and bad hurt can be rather thin .

    When I didn’t have much experience I had a girl ask me to bite her neck, and then kept asking me to bite it harder, and this was pretty out of the blue. It was getting to the point where I was genuine afraid of straight count draculing her, and at that point it wasn’t really hot, just….. concerning.

  2. Personally, you sound like exactly my thought of a good time. I would be comfortable with everything you’ve spoken of here, though I would need you to enforce the ‘no degradation’ limit, as in my experience, degradation has been seen a positive thing.

    I view this as a very serious thing when it comes to safety and mentality, so I would prefer to have as much of this planned out prior to clothes coming off as I can. Considering I’m into a great deal of what you’ve described, I would say that the best way to approach me about it would be outside of sex. As with any partner, I need to know what you like, what you want to try, and what you don’t want. Talk out your limits and stick to them. And seeing as how you’ve gotten half an essay on what you want, you’re well ahead of the curve. But, I tend to be a bit of a control freak when it comes to this sort of thing, so my position may not be the most popular.
    .

  3. I’m very up for most of what you’ve said if I know you’re into it, but I’m not going to do a lot of that the first time without something explicitly said indicating you want me to.

  4. those all seem like reasonable things; I wouldn’t consider that “rough”

    a powerpoint presentation before the first time probably isn’t the best approach…..tell the person you like your partners to be dominant but respectful, don’t get into the weeds just yet but do spell out the turn offs and hard limits upfront

    suggest things gradually/naturally in the moment….”I get really turned on when a guy does X”

  5. Is it that you’re uncomfortable expressing your desires verbally? I can see how some guys take it the wrong way, having been coddled their whole lives. While you’re mid sex, grab his hand and put it gently on your throat, or smack your own ass with his hand. Let it be “in the moment” and maybe he’ll catch the hint for next time.

    Or just find guys that aren’t momma’s boys and have a real talk with them about what you’re in to. The dude you’re ultimately looking for won’t need to have “the talk” though…he’ll already know what you want.

  6. From my experience as the guy, I have been into this before and I am again now.

    My problem is that I AM into it, but I am scared of genuinely hurting the other person or misunderstanding their status on consent during the act.

    Direct communication and having a safe word (don’t use pineapple) are super important for me to be able to enjoy that, and historically my sexual partners were not the best at saying what they wanted or didn’t want during the act (Americans, am I right?).

    Also, from my experience, most of the people that are REALLY into this kind of sex have some serious trauma or abuse in their past… Which would make me hesitant to do anything but great them kindly in bed.

  7. As a guy who is into that sort of thing, the best way to encourage me for “rough stuff” is simply hinting for it during sex. A few words whispered into my ear are more than enough. Or a loud “f*ck me harder” if you want to be clear about what you want ahah
    On the other hand, I had a gf who would always reject my initiatives for “rough stuff”, so I openly asked about it and she said “not my thing” and so we broke up.
    Bottom line, if you’re both into the same things, they’ll come up naturally, if not, most likely you’d be better off trying to find a more compatible partner.
    Of course there are people who develop kinks through experience, so I think you should just start with something soft like ask him to tie your hands with a handkerchief and “do what you want of me”‘. Or a straight up casual talk about the matter.
    It’s hard to find people open about these “rough kinks” so best of luck to you!

  8. If you it’s a new partner and you don’t have an established, trusting relationship, BDSM should be a discussion that you have in advance. That way everyone has a chance to discuss their comfort levels, expectations and boundaries with a clear head.

    You could just ask “what kind of sex do you like?” Maybe their interest overlap with yours, and if they don’t, it’s your opportunity to share what you’re into.

    Good luck!

  9. I would want little things she likes brought up gradually as the relationship progresses, for her to ask if I like such and such too and would enjoy doing that. I enjoy being dominant but not if she’s impatient and intimacy is in the background.

  10. Not everyone is comfortable with that kind of sex. And even I who do enjoy it, I wouldn’t be comfortable to do it with someone new. I would wait until I got to know the girl a little bit better.

  11. I’m surprised at this and some of the reactions. Maybe it’s cuz I’m into it, but I never react badly when girls bring it up. When they bring it up, I ask further about it, and oblige. I also kinda wait for them to at least make some indication, rather than bring it up myself, because I feel like bringing it up as a guy can have way worse implications if the other person (female) isn’t into it. Maybe you’re just unlucky in these situations, I might be wrong but my impression is it’s not that uncommon to be into, at least in the non-extremely-extreme context. Most girls I have been with enjoy it to some extent, and most of them have at least some inkling of that.

  12. While on sex u can say “can u xxxxxxx?”
    He will either do it or don’t.

    (I don’t think this is troubling, but i might be biased because i like to do this kindo of stuff)

  13. I feel very qualified to answer this because I‘m around your age, the last girl I was with was into the exact same stuff you listed and we had „the talk“ about it.

    Basically after our first time, which was pretty standard sex, she brought it up during pillow talk and told me that she likes it when the man is dominant and just „kinda does whatever he wants with her“ during sex. I thought to myself „oh my god this is amazing thank you dear lord for this present“ but I played it cool and went „*Nice*, so what exactly do you like?“

    I‘m definitely into it but I always have to be sure that she’s enjoying that kind of sex as well for it to be a turn on for me. So she kinda had to give me a rundown of the things I’m absolutely free to do when I feel it’s right, because I wasn’t 100% comfortable with literally just doing *whatever* came to my mind, for example choking her, because what if that turns out to be the only thing she doesn’t like so she goes „dude wtf was that?“, you know?

    This is why I‘d suggest to bring it up sometime after sex (when you two should be talking about what you liked and didn’t like anyways) and just give them some ideas. I honestly don’t understand how someone could have a bad reaction towards that because A) it’s really not that unusual for women to be into rougher sex to some extent and B) it’s super lame not to want the other person to have a good time.

  14. This all sounds like the right amount of trusting and fun BDSM to my sensibilities. It all comes down to trust, can you convey this without them or you taking it too far to where it’s a issue later on. Establish that first and foremost.

    If you want the direct approach, ask them what their definition of BDSM is and where the line is. Flip it on them. Or ask if they have experience with it.

    If you want heat of the moment, that comes down to old school persuasion and taking slight risk with where the line may be. If you are two grown adults, you can talk about it, even if it might “kill the mood”. Or you always kinda off hand mention one or two of those things you like and kinda drip feed it in little by little to the action

  15. I wouldn’t with someone new. If it’s someone I’ve been with for a while and care about, then I’m sure I’d become increasingly open to it with time. It’s not my thing, but I’m sure I can get into it in the moment TO AN EXTENT.

  16. You sound like a treasure. Idk if it comes up in conversation with these guys. Maybe approach once sex is talked about, you can ask each other about kinks and then that’s how you can let him know about basically what you wrote in this post.

  17. It really depends on the guy.

    For me, I enjoy being dominant. Almost every girl I’ve been with has “sensed” this in some way so it kinda played out like that anyway. As we get more comfortable I’m usually the one pushing boundaries. Honestly haven’t had a girl “ask me” to be dominant, but when they notice I enjoy it they will sometimes tell me things they like in particular (good/bad girl, spanking/punishing, choking, forced etc) so that I emphasize their kinks. It’s never awkward, and I’ll usually lead them through what I like as well. But, this is the dynamic between a sub and a dom. A good sub listens.

    As for telling guys to be more dom, in all honesty I don’t know how well that will work. For those that aren’t naturally into it, I think a lot of them get turned off or nervous about it. It seems to scare away a good amount of guys these days as it’s seen as “toxic masculinity” in a sense. I had a friend whose GF loved to be tied/degraded and he wasn’t into it. He would tell me in confidence that he was trying his best to be dominant but it was really off putting to him. It made him think of his GF as a different type of person, and made him feel like he was forcing something he was not. The further she pushed him into doing new BDSM techniques, the more put off he got.

    In the end I think you just have to take a risk, and maybe learn to read into guys to figure out if they’re the type you need. I know for a fact that it can be done, there are certain “auras” around these types of people if you look close enough.

    Just out of curiosity, what are some of the bad responses you have had from opening up about your submissiveness?

  18. Stop hooking up with queens. If we were in bed and you suggested it, homeboy should be down. If you need a brotha to practice, holla at me. The only thing covid-19 about me is my covid-19 inch cock.

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