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My partner is getting out of shape. How do I tell her she’s gaining weight but not start a fight?

I’m scared to bring up weight because it’s a big insecurity but it’s getting almost out of hand. How do I bring it up?

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42 Comments

  1. Damn, bro. This might be one for the ladies to answer. I mean, I would want to be told the way the person telling me would want to be told, ya dig? With respect and dignity. Not like, “Damn, baby! You’re gonna need to start wearing muumuus!!”

    Good luck, brother! Keep up in the loop on this one!

  2. Women can see right through the “it’s for health” argument when in your heart it’s an attractiveness issue. We know how we look and how people view weight gain.

    If she is truly bothered by her weight change, say that. “I’ve noticed you’ve been really self-conscious lately and cry when you get dressed. I love you. Let’s work on this together.”

    If she is open to making changes, decide together what that means – you can make a list together of ideas and discuss which are realistic for your lifestyle (e.g. cutting out soda may be harder than doing a 15min workout video every morning). Start with small habits and build on successes. Try to find ways to make the process about fun and exploration vs. restriction and wholesale change.

  3. Maybe start with seeing if you can change some of your habits to help support her in weight loss. I gained weight when my husband and I moved to a new state. He insisted on us living close to his work, so I was commuting 2-3 hours a day. I was getting up early, but he wanted me to stay up and watch movies til late, because he was getting up later. He wanted to eat restaurant food or for me to cook the majority of our meals. I was so physically drained. Then he stopped touching me completely bc of the weight gain, and I was emotionally drained.

    Not to accuse every man ever of selfishness, but can you do the grocery shopping and make sure there are always cut up fruits and veggies in the fridge? Are you taking full responsibility of the kids for a few hours every night so she can exercise and rest? Are you doing an equitable amount of housework?

    Before you have the conversation, notice if she has gained weight due to habits you may be encouraging or causing, or mutually taking part in.

  4. In what way is it getting out of hand?

    Is it that you feel less attraction to her because of the added weight? Or, has she said she knows she is gaining weight and isnt comfortable with it but also hasnt done anything to promote losing the weight?

    You mention that its an insecurity with her – but if there are other insecurities are they leading to binge / over eating – or is it boredom eating – has her diet changed recently – what is causing the weight gain?

    If you feel mentioning it would cause a fight or cause her deep upset, perhaps you could atart making suggestions for weekend activities or evening activities that involve exercise even say go out for a walk “to enjoy the brisk weather” or – whatever outdoorsy stuff is around where you live.

    Or if cooking is shared between ye, perhaps you could start cooking “slimmer friendly” meals without making a big deal out of it – like cut down on sauces or deep fry or such. Obviously I have no idea what yer current diets or exercise look like. Just a few thoughts 😊

  5. If my partner was losing attraction to me because of my weight gain, I would want her to communicate this to me directly, rather than hold these feelings in and become unhappy or resent me for it.

  6. Protip: she already knows, and probably doesn’t feel great about it. Do not “tell her she’s gaining weight”.

    As others said, either focus on your “health” first, or do more cooking and exercise stuff together.

  7. First of all, has she started any new medications? Or, has she shown signs of depression? Could there be an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed that isn’t appearance related? If so, address those issues, NOT the weight gain. Mentioning a woman’s weight to her is never helpful. Trust me, with all the societal pressures that are out in women to be thin, we are fully aware of every single pound we put it on. If you notice, she is already well aware and you saying anything at all is going to backfire.

  8. Just tell her and how you struggled with telling her for all these reasons but fuck it after the last few years health isn’t just a fad.

    If you love someone you want them alive.

    Between just us men…. We gotta share our feelings even if we fear the reaction.

    We’re all just people trying to figure wtf that means. Chin(s) up.

    If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t say anything.

  9. I can’t tell from your post whether it bothers you.
    Do you want her to lose weight or do you just want her to be happy with herself? No judgment! Legit question for you to consider.

    Can you wait until she brings it up again?
    And hug her (if there’s an opportunity) and say “Do you want help or do you want me to stay out of it?”

    So tricky. I’m a woman and when my friends complain I forget that I need to ask that first! Jumping right into “help”/solutions mode is not always what people want when they’re floundering.

  10. I waited until she said something about shopping for larger sized clothes.

    “What are you planning to do with them, once you’re back into your regular clothes? Wouldn’t it be better to just come to the gym with me, or spend the money on healthier food choices for the both of us?”

  11. This is a very touchy road. I still believe in honest communication. If it’s for health reasons you can try to use that as part of your conversation. If it’s because of shallow reasons there are bigger issues you need to work out. My wife is a larger woman and it is getting a bit out of hand so we are working on getting into better shape and eating healthier. I just spoke to her about it as adults. “So this isn’t a huge thing because I always think you are beautiful but I’m starting to get worried a bit about your health and I think we should maybe start working out together. If not that’s okay but I just want us to live together a long time!” My wife has high blood pressure so that’s why I worried about her health and weight so for you it may be different. The conversation wasn’t bad and it’s something we are going to both do together.

  12. You could try and make it something you both need to do, commit to an exercise goal together

    Or if it comes down to eating you can say “I want to try and be healthier, can we start eating more healthy food?”

    It’s definitely a difficult conversation to have directly

  13. it is very simple,

    never say a word,

    and lead with the example,

    quit alcohol,

    eat more vegetables,

    go to bed early,

    do exercise,

    and hope she will eventually copy you

  14. Just be honest. This is a grown woman we’re talking about, not a child. She doesn’t need to be coddled. Let her know you’ve noticed the weight gain, and offer to help her work if off. Gym membership, meal plan, whatever she needs.

    If you ignore this, it will eat at you and possibly your physical attraction to her.

  15. I think the best way to handle it (without offending your SO), is by getting involved with her weight loss and doing all of the same things with her. Show her that you’re just as serious about your health and fitness as you might like her to be.

    The only way someone loses weight and sticks with it, is if they truly want it. Maybe if she sees you on that same journey, she’ll be more inclined to giving it her by best shot.

    I’d start with limiting eating out to 1x a week together, some sort of special dinner at the end of the week. To stay sane but to also celebrate her dedication. Create a meal plan for the both of you to follow and stick with it. You’ll see plenty of meal prep and healthy recipe subs for inspiration. Oh, and eliminate liquid calories. Water, coffee, tea, zero calorie (or very damn near close to it) drinks should be 95% of what you both drink.

    Next I would slowly introduce exercise into her life, it doesn’t necessarily need to be her going hard core in the gym to start with. Take walks together in your downtime, 3-5 times a week – even better if you have dogs. After some consistency there, I’d recommend the C25k app; it’s a great program that will slowly bring her up to speed over 12 weeks to get her running a 5k. An even better idea would be to find some sort of activity that you both really enjoy and can do together – tennis, swimming, walking, hiking, etc.

    Before all of this though, you really need to sit down and have a talk with her. Bring up your concerns and more importantly how you feel – there may be some underlying issues on her end that you may not be aware of. With the times were in, I wouldn’t be surprised if your SO is suffering mentally/going through a difficult time and coping with unhealthy behaviors like binge eating, avoiding exercise etc..

    Be prepared though – you may find that she wants nothing to do with the idea. Or worse; she fails to stay consistent and continues to fall off the wagon again and again, then you’re right back where you started. Either way, you have to ask yourself how much you love this girl and how much you want to make this work. Weight loss isn’t linear and it takes dedication to push through plateaus. Don’t feel guilty for wanting your partner to be physically attractive, I’m positive that she fit the bill when you first began dating and in all honesty, she should want to maintain her looks and attractiveness for you, just as you should for her.

    Remember – weight loss begins in the kitchen and only progresses through consistency. You might have heard the saying “70% nutrition/30% fitness”. Document her starting weight, find out how many calories it takes for her to maintain that weight, and slowly introduce a caloric deficit. Track calories as well. I’d recommend you do all the same. Good luck my friend.

  16. So decide your course of action is she doesn’t get into shape… would you leave? Would you cheat? You need to pick your battles… if this is a deal breaker for you, and you’re willing to wholeheartedly face the back lash then by all means have a talk with her… but be honest… and Remember there are probably things about you she doesn’t like.. so be ready for that too.. and females know when they’re gaining wgt… it’s usually Bc they’re stressed or unhappy… so make sure you’re not the reason contributing to her wgt issue..

  17. Go down to your local gym and find the scariest mma fighter in her weight class you can. Organise and exhibition match you know really hype it iup. Show her video of her fights, she’ll lose weight deliberately to weasel out of the fight I bet, coward. You are better off without her. You should date that mma girl, she seems nice, in an unbridled killer instinct kinda way

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