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Men who’ve had abusive mothers or abusive female figures growing up, how has it affected your ability to date someone? What is the status of your current relationship with the abusive woman figure?

I guess, this could be extended to gay men with abusive fathers too (My Point being, abusive figure of the same ohhh as you’re interested in dating). Men with abusive mothers tend to go for abusive/controlling women to date . How do you actually move out of that abusive system/mindset and trust another woman?


Also, how is your relationship with the said abusive mother? Do you still talk or stay in contact? How do you put up with the “BUT, I’M HIS MOTHER. He should maintain good relations with his mother.”?

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  1. It has absolutely effected how I see women. I’m always a little worried she’s going to turn into my mother and my life will become a nonstop tornado of screaming and hitting.

    Also, because my model of female love is messed up I often find myself interested in women who are A Bad Idea.

    I don’t talk to her anymore. I haven’t for years. She still sends me long texts every once in a while. Sometimes it’s to say that she loves and misses me, but I know those texts don’t represent a change in who she is.

    She had medical problems last year and ended up in a coma. My uncles were all kind of expecting that I would quit my job and move back to my home town to take care of her. They were mad at me about it until I told them a story from when I was 9 and she tried to burn my eye with a car cigarette lighter.

    She eventually got out of the coma and heard about the story I told and sent me a long text about how I was never in danger because I was wearing glasses at the time. She has never apologized to me about anything.

  2. My mother isn’t really abusive, exactly, but she is controlling and manipulative. It doesn’t reach the critical point of some stories i’ve heard here, but it still ruined my pshychological sense of self worth. I always felt like I was repaying something in everything I did in my life, whether in school or otherwise, like my life was a debt that i was forced to pay back.

    This probably translated into my one relationship. I fell for someone who would constantly guilt-trip me into shit by crying at ridiculous things, by getting angry at small mistakes I made, and my experience with my mother didn’t allow me to recognize it as shitty behavior. It took her doing a really shitty thing for me to leave all that.

    And honestly, I don’t really know how I’m going to break out of it, either. I can say, though, I’m a lot more emotionally smart now than i was 2 years ago. I’m still scared of taking the risk but now I know some signs I have to look out for

  3. If ive learned anything over the years (in answer should he maintain contact?) Blood doesnt mean shit in this world. And in saying that, its ultimately you who determines who you want to have in your life, forgive or forget.
    Mine is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, its definitely chipped away at the way i see myself, making it extremely hard to believe that any partner could genuinely love me. Which ultimately leads to clingyness and fear of abandonment.

    Glad you asked op. Its comforting to know im not the only one.

  4. I loathed my mother for the strung-out, negligent drug addicted whore she was. She would frequently bring home guys half her age to fuck, get high, and do it all behind closed doors while leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. By age 17, she and I got into our first actual fight, with her trying to choke me out, and I busted her lip trying to get away and get out of the house. Shortly after that, I hit a second growth spurt, and became a good head and shoulders taller than her. Needless to say, she only made that mistake one more time. She got drunk after she basically killed my uncle (Who was a diabetic that she encouraged constantly to drink beer with her. Fucking empty calories = sugar. So, when his diabetes finally made him pass out in his boat and he drowned, it was 100% her fault.) she was upset and came into my room after I had already gone to sleep, flicked on the lights and started screaming at me. Having just woken up, I told her “shut up and go to bed. I’m not dealing with you while you’re drunk.” And she tried to grab my throat, like before. So, I grabbed her arms, pulled her onto my bed, (She was attacking me from the end where my head was.) rolled her onto her stomach and pinned her down, then proceeded to scream in her ear “I told you I’m not dealing with your fucking shit! Get the fuck out of my room!” And let her go. She proceeded to call the police, claimed I assaulted her and got me arrested.


    But anyway, I don’t talk to her and never will again. I will attend her funeral JUST for the chance to expose her lies and abuse in front of her friends, and piss on her grave. She doesn’t deserve a good reputation, and I’ll do my damnedest to make sure she never does.


    But, I don’t let that affect my dating life. I do tend to stay away from women that look too much like her. But, I mean, as far as lasting effects go, that’s pretty mild. And if anyone dares to question my decision about leaving her in the past, I’ll tell them straight to their face “She has tried to kill me more times in my life than I care to remember. I want nothing to do with her. And if you ever try to bring her around me, I will beat your ass too.”

  5. I haven’t spoken to or acknowledged my step mother (who I was obliged to share a roof with between the ages of 8 and 16) for over two decades (I’ve been married for 23), she’s never been introduced to my kids, and I will not attend her funeral when she dies: I might be happy to notice her obituary, though. I have good relationships with *sensible* human beings regardless of gender, outside that woman’s influence.

  6. I have codepency issues that I’m working on. That’s the main gist of it. I also am in an entirely male-dominated field and never have opportunities to talk to ladies my age, so I tend to get a little too excited and daydreamy about my potential future with one when I meet them.

    My mother was a verbally abusive narcissist and my dad was pretty much absent from my life.

  7. As a kid my mom was the kind of parent to not let me leave the house because I could get kidnapped, hit by a car, insert any sort of potential terribleness that could happen here. On top of that she is abusive towards my father. I’ve seen her actively threaten my dad with divorce when she begins losing arguments, at times over the stupidest things.

    This has had 2 affects.

    First, being isolated, mixed in with having a broken extended family situation, has made me a social derp. I was fucked on 2 fronts. 1, from a young age it being impossible to go places that weren’t my house makes it difficult to make friends really. 2, I’m of the opinion that family members, especially similairly aged cousins, are important to a kid socially. Well, its hard for cousins to have any relationship when the aunts and uncles all fucking hate each other. While I can hold conversations with people, make them laugh, etc the entire time internally I’m uncomfortable and actively making other peoples experience worse. In short I can’t connect with people or feel like I fit in. My younger sister she loosened the reigns and she doesnt struggle like I do. The twist here though is when I turned 14 or 15 or so the script flipped and my mom was suddenly actively trying to get me to go do things with people from school. What would happen is I’d fuckup with grades somehow and get told “I don’t even know how to punish you because you just stay in your room anyways”.

    The abuse towards my father had 2 effects. First just the general disgust at seeing her treat him the way she does. I dont wanna be with anyone like that. Second the way he was broken by it. I never got any of the advice about girls/women many others do from their dads. The only advice my dad gave me was “If youre checking a woman out and she sees you, apologize”. I dont think my dad ever realized how hard I struggled socially (I played a couple sports and generally got along with kids, which hed see, but I’d never feel connected i guess?) and I dont think was even aware that those were the opposite things I needed to hear.

    In short i was raised in a broken family, actively isolated until I reached a certain age and was then guilt tripped for said isolation, watched my dad get broken down, and while struggling socially was told the scariest peers of all (girls) didn’t want my attention. This, believe it or not, did not go well.

    How do I break the abusive woman cycle? Well I’m pushing 30 and not been with anyone so……ya.

    How’s my relationship with them? I still live at home and keep to my room.

  8. I don’t feel good enough to date women.

    My parents were sometimes condescending, disespect my privacy or possessions, and have laughed at me or insulted me.

    I’m trying to be stronger and overcome my hatred, rage, and other negative thoughts, for more peaceful approaches while giving myself more respect.

    But who knows, got stuff keeping me busy, or at least when I can, lockdown isn’t the right time imo lol

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