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Men who have been physical with a women, what made you change to never do it again?

I’m talking about being physically because of anger. I had a friend who got drunk all the time, never hit his fiancé till one night. He sobered you and meditated and went to therapy. They aren’t together anymore though. My fiancé snapped on me the other night while drunk and choked me for no reason, he later said he was angry at other things and built things up in his head. He said he would quit drinking. I told him he needs to seek therapy if he wants to continue this relationship.

I’m on the fence if I should even bother giving him a chance. Has anyone out there ever actually changed if they’ve done something like this before. Has anyone actually not ever done it again because of therapy and anger management? I don’t know what to do. I just want to see if there is anyone out there with a success story I guess. See if I should give him another chance or tell him to pack his bags.

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27 Comments

  1. If he did it once, it might become a recurring trend. Still say that he needs therapy, but don’t push your luck being near him anymore, that is if we aren’t talking about taking it to the police.

  2. Not sure why everyone is saying get a lawyer. My family law is rusty, but as far as I remember, you don’t have a legal relationship with your fiance that needs a lawyer to disentangle. There’s nothing for a lawyer to do in this situation besides tell you to contact friends/family to help you move out and the police if you want to press charges.

    Get out of there. You’re looking for the answer you want to hear, not the one you know is true.

  3. > Has anyone out there ever actually changed if they’ve done something like this before. Has anyone actually not ever done it again because of therapy and anger management?

    I would say that this doesn’t matter. You’re asking the wrong question. You are not safe and you need to get out of this relationship right now and be safe. Let him try to prove to you that he’s better in the future, if after careful consideration that’s what you decide to do, but if you go back to him now you’re basically saying he can do this without consequences.

    Not exaggerating even a little. Get out.

  4. Choking is an indicator that that person is likely to escalate to murdering their partner. There are a ton of studies on this that you can find with a quick google. If you decide to end it, make sure you aren’t alone.

  5. This makes me really concerned. A lot of men that choke women end up escalating to murdering them. The reason is because a choke isn’t to hurt someone like a punch, its to KILL someone. Please look this up, it is an unfortunate pattern and the reddest of flags.

    Honestly Im just a random guy that isn’t a therapist or anything. So take this with a grain of salt. But fuck that guy, the world is filled with men that have never tried strangling a woman before. I find that unforgiveable. I don’t think you should try to work this out. He is literally a threat to your safety.

    >Domestic abuse victims 10 times more likely to be killed if suspects choked them in past

    https://wreg.com/news/study-domestic-abuse-victims-10-times-more-likely-to-be-killed-if-suspects-choked-them-in-past/

  6. Tell him to pack his bags. I never heard of a case where a guy who was violent towards women reformed. Usually it gets way worse while the douchebag makes excuses or blames the woman.

  7. > what made you change to never do it again?

    youre coming here looking for a miracle answer, but it doesnt exist. when people show you who they are, believe them the first time

  8. I want to get this out of the way, first thing- it sucks I even need to say “if”- but if this be legit, you get your little ass out of there. Counselors, police, whatever you gotta do. Violence escalates quickly, and if it “builds up” like he says, it’s what we call a “Pattern of Behavior”. It doesn’t change, it doesn’t get better. And it never will, short of him dying or being scared straight.

    Me, personally, I am violent. I don’t abuse others- violence just happens to be in my nature. I would never intentionally harm someone I was otherwise sworn to guard or protect. I would have to be really sick at the time to even consider it.

  9. You kind of buried the lede here, OP.

    He CHOKED you. Just go on google and look at all the stats about domestic violence and choking. Like, specifically choking- not hitting, not hair pulling, not slapping- specifically choking.

    You should absolutely 100% NOT give him a chance. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t, I don’t know. But you should not be around (in his life) to find out. Please. This could very well be life or death for you. Please don’t decide I’m being dramatic without actually googling people choking their partners.

  10. What I did was no where near choking.

    We were 17, I was driving her car, I was waiting to turn left and she kept telling me to go, the light was weird and I was fine, kept saying it, there are cars coming, she is claiming they have a red light, and keeps telling me to go, eventually I’m stressed as a still pretty new drive, dart across, and punched her half strength in the thigh. I saw the hurt in her eyes when I did it (it’s been over a decade, but I don’t think there was a bruise even). Apologized, and took a month to get her trust back. I have never hit a partner ever since, and it remains in my top ten of biggest regrets.

    I can’t say whether it was a one off thing because I was stressed, or whether I just learned my lesson and changed. So I believe it’s possible to change, but I think there is a big difference between what I did and what your fiancé did. Especially if it was for no reason as you said

  11. *DO NOT* marry a man with unresolved anger issues and a history (even only once instance) of physical violence. I’m a firm believer that people need to be single while they work through that kind of thing with therapists.

  12. Holy shit are you asking the wrong question.

    Had it been a hit, i don’t know it’d be fucked up but I guess as a one off from the perfect storm of wrong circumstances with the most apologetic and overly compensating guy in the world in addressing the issue to ensure it never happened again, I could see a faint chance it could be made to work.

    He tried to bloody choke you though. That’s not “single instant outburst of uncontrollable emotions” territory, that’s prolonged and maintained without the extremeness of the situation snapping him out of those emotions. Get the hell out of there for your own safety.

  13. 1 chance maybe but you gotta know when to draw the line and pack up and leave. Be careful because he could get violent when you try to leave.

    Be careful of manipulating behaviour if you go to leave like he starts running through emotions to try and get the right response from you and you to want to stay with him.

    There is lots of free advice that you can get in terms of situations like this depending on where you live in the world. Good luck and if you ever feel unsafe get out because nothing is worth more to you than your safety.

  14. This may be a toxic response for some but.its my personal experience. (Im a female) been with the same guy for 7 years.
    A few years ago after a huge fight. I was drunk and we werw in a bad place in the relationship. he briefly choked me (didnt even leavee it a mark)nd i flipped out on him. Later I remember talking it through with him and telling if he ever did it again i would leave him immediately or call the cops. I asked him WHY he would do that if he wasn’t trying to kill me and explained how terrifying that was for me.
    Turns out him and his dad got in many fights growing up and had choked him on several occasions..so for him it was just reverting to what he had experienced and he did relate to how scary it was and never did it again.
    We ended up breaking up later that year for about 10 months(for many reasons ) but we stayed cordial throughout the breakup and talked out a lot of issues and communicated better. Talked about how growing up seeing violence and experiencing it gave him anger problems and a bad temper. But he definitely didnt want to kill me or hurt me it was juat an response when he snapped.. (Not making excuses but at least it explains why he reacted that way and isnt just a psycho) He has since then been much more aware and tries to keep calm no matter what. If it did ever happen again I would demand intense therapy and a seperation. But he is a good kind hearted man and a great father. Hes not a murderous sociopath.

  15. 24F here. My ex husband did it once… and then told me he would get a grip. Told me he would get help. He went to counseling. He meditated, exercised, took some time to himself. And then he came back, and he did it some more only a few weeks later. Then he started rationalizing it. And so did I. I kept getting hurt and it only ever escalated. I only had enough sense to leave once he started to get physically threatening with his 9 year old cousin.

    There are millions of men out there who would not ever consider doing this to you. Once may be a fluke, but if it ever happens again… you may find yourself in deeper than you realize. Make a plan and be smart about how you leave. I talked to the police chief in our small town, and the security chief at my place of work and didn’t tell anyone but my dad I was leaving until I was gone and safe. Please be careful.

  16. My ex in highschool once asked me to choke her during sex, turns out we didn’t know what we were doing and she lost consciousness and didn’t seem to be breathing for about 5 seconds. When she came to i just sobbed and sobbed, i couldn’t believe i had hurt her and now i refuse to do any choking/impact play during sex other than light spanking.

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