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Men who have been hot and cold towards a woman they like, why did you do it?

Serious answers only

View Reddit by AsiangyalView Source


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  1. For me it is either because I´m not feeling my energy reciprocated or not feeling that she likes me back and there isn´t much point in making myself look like a dumbass and then she will do something which will make me think she likes me so I´ll be hot again and then I´ll think she doesn´t and I´ll be cold.

    Or probably just because I´m having a bad or stressfull day and don´t really have the will to be talking with anyone.

  2. Because it seemed like the most reasonable path to take, sometimes because she was playing games, or the situation just seemed to call for it. It would be great if a natural and sincere way would work with most women, but it does not.

  3. Because if it was only when I was a bit disinterested that she’d become attentive. But I wanted to be warmer to her, so I ended up going back and forth.

    In hindsight that was probably a massive red flag.

  4. Because as much as it seems counter-intuitive, women often don’t want what they don’t need to work for. Stable, reliable and consistent equals boring. Make no mistake, even the best of women will sometimes make herself unavailable and even if it isn’t conscious, it is still deliberate. Adult relationships are complex animals. As a man, it does not hurt you and only helps you to develop your own rules set and your rules of engagement in a relationship. Remind her that you are a quality man, and while you’re going to put work into the relationship, she needs to do the same.

    It’s okay to be low maintenance. But don’t be no maintenance. That means you will be taken for granted.

  5. The only time i did this was when i was young. I didn’t know if i wanted to date my best friend enough to pull the trigger. I knew it would be serious if we dated and i wasn’t sure if i was ready for that kind of relationship.

  6. It’s a learned behaviour for me. I never realized I did it, or whenever it surfaced to me that I am doing it, I justified my actions in one way or another. But the truth is, I felt more *chased* when I was hot and cold towards a woman. The women were always on their toes with me.

    I feel humans always want to complete a stage, before moving on to the next. So, whether they want to stay with you or break up with you, only becomes as an option after they *are with you*. And as long as you are hot and cold, they don’t really have you.

    Honestly it’s the only explanation I can think of. But it’s 100% anecdotal.

  7. She played hot/cold or push/pull with me.

    My thing is once I go cold, there’s no more hot. If you push me away, I’m staying out there.

    So every time she’d go cold or push me away, the ground we’d lost was never regained.

    Eventually, I just ran out of emotional resources to devote to the situation, and the next time a push/cold moment hit, I just leaned in and ended the situation entirely.

    She was all shitty about it, like, “Right now, we’re just friends that cuddle, because you did X.”

    And I was like, “Word? We should keep it that way.”

    And she was like, “Noooo!! No! No! No! Noooooo!!!!”

    And then I went home.

    Fascinating breakup.

  8. 1. I work constantly so sometimes I don’t feel anything. 2. We have a lot in common but sometimes she does things that are annoying but we haven’t been talking long enough for me to point it out. 3. She’s irresistibly sexy when I’m in the mood and she makes advances, but when I’m not, I have the better judgement to realize there’s nothing between us. It’s never an intentional thing.

  9. I’m assuming your question is for a possible romantic partner and not just a pal.

    To that end..

    Sometimes a woman can come off that she likes you, others that she thinks you’re just a friend.

    When we ride that wave the tendency is to build some distance as a possible escape plan.

    If you’re looking to avoid this find ways to shy away from “friend activities” and lean more towards “dating” activities.

    Guys hate coming off as dumb. If we can’t get a good read on a woman’s interest we’re inclined to abort rather than come off as a horny creep (lots of negative stigma around that today – AS THERE SHOULD BE).

  10. Hot and cold behavior is indicative of a fearful avoidant (also known as anxious avoidant attachment) attachment style. It goes for both sexes, they want a relationship and love badly but then they get scared (avoidant).

  11. She wanted to play games, sure, give her the cards back.

    There’s no better feeling than that girl that used you seeing you doing great, then she comes in like nothing happened and receive a fuck off back ♥️
    Oddly satisfying.

    I don’t like this shit, be a real woman and say “you aren’t interested”, men will have so much more respect for you.

  12. Because they do the same shit to me. Women are masters at manipulation, so I play it back at them.

    A girl I got rejected by is furious at me right now (judging by her body language), yet she keeps calling for my attention and validation…and I ignore her.

    Lady, I’m not going to pursue you when you told me “no” already…and I am not going to pine away for you, either.

    So, get fucked with wanting something for nothing. Cold, cold, cold.

  13. First I was hesitant because if things went wrong it would make our friend group really awkward And as much as I hate to admit it: I felt she was the reacher and I was the settler. Then when things started going well I started getting into it. Then she backed off. We were both the settler.

  14. If the relationship is based on sexual attraction it will eventually fade. Then it can go cold, unless it is not an exclusive relationship. But even if it is hitting it once in a while something better may come along or you just want to put your energy somewhere else.

  15. Mostly stated already. You want to jump in and be very “hot” but they send you mixed signals or seem like they are playing you so you get “cold” in response when you feel like you are getting jerked around.

  16. When I was dating I would be spend energy getting to know somebody, and going out. The problem was it was always initiated be me. Not by them.
    I would back off ( become cold ) and crickets. I found a great spouse. One that take initiative.

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