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Men who are attracted to a person as opposed to their body how does that work?

Sorry if the title is poorly worded.
I was talking to my boyfriend about what he finds attractive, like how some guys are ass men or boob guys etc and he told me he didn’t have a thing he could particularly say he likes. That he doesn’t really have a type.
That he feels a connection with me which makes him physically and emotionally attracted to me. That ohhh has always been more of an emotional thing for him and although he does find my body attractive he’s attracted to it because it’s mine.
Now I don’t have a ton of experience but any guy I talked to or with my ex there was something obvious about my body they were into and I’d never really heard that before.
Anybody else here feel that way? Are you aware of your partners flaws and just don’t care or you’re attracted to them as a whole so you don’t notice?
Just curious to hear some other thoughts.

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26 Comments

  1. For me, if I like someone, they’re hot.

    One of two people I’ve had *serious* feels for was pretty much not my type in every way, but it didn’t matter. I knew she wasn’t my type, but she kinda became my type while I had the feels, if that makes sense?

  2. yup, that’s how it works for some of us. don’t get me wrong, I have lustful primal sexual desires for specific body parts but if I can’t enjoy a conversation with a partner, I’m just not interested.

    it sounds like you’ve got a pretty good guy there.

  3. It goes against the stereotype, but some men can “ignore” physical appearance just fine. It works exactly as he explained it to you. They are attracted to a personality, not an appearance, first. Then, aesthetic attraction happens later.

    While it’s not *quite* the same thing, your partner is probably what some would call [demisexual](https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-demisexual-demisexuality). Anyone can be demisexual regardless of sex or gender. There are a lot of resources online if you look up that word 🙂

  4. My current girlfriend of 2 years is not my “type” when we first met I wasn’t really that attracted to her physically. She’s a good looking girl but sparks didn’t fly for me. But as I got to know her and like her I do find her attractive because it’s her even if her looks aren’t what I would have gone for in the past

  5. im probably like that too. my wife body is pretty attractive even though she doesn’t have big boobs or bubble butt (more skinny type). i dont really have preference or something that i’m into. for me sex is more about connection and we do it with eyes closed, our lips locked and hugged each other.

    the pleasure is the feeling when our body close to each other and when my penis is inside her warm wet vagina. the sense of intimacy and closeness and it has nothing to do with the size of her boobs or her ass.

    dont think there are things that can be considered “flaws”. people’s body change, esp. women through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding. i can say my wife boobs getting a bit smaller after she finished breastfeeding compared before we have our baby….but that’s just how it is…it’s not a flaw for me.

  6. There are lots of men who don’t look at a woman as a collection of flaws, but finds her beautiful because he finds HER beautiful.

    Same as how many women think a dick looks gross, but her boyfriend’s dick is cute because she has a relationship with it.

  7. Well if it’s a partner you actually care about then whatever flaws they perceive with themselves usually don’t matter. It’s a true saying that love is blind because when you really do love someone it’s far deeper than just a physical attraction.

    Wanting to fuck someone in the ass because she’s got a tight body is one thing.

    Wanting to be intimate with someone because you feel safe with them and you trust them is another. Consider the difference as being attracted to the body versus being attracted to the mind/ personality.

  8. As a middle aged guy I agree with your bf but I don’t think him and I are the majority. I realized a long time ago if I just go for looks chances are really high I won’t find someone compatible. Sex is a very small part of a long term relationship. I need compatibility on most fronts or I’m bored or angry or just plain not into them. If I heard myself say that in my 20s I would have thought I was lying though. I know other guys my age and above who still view looks as the most important thing so to each their own.

  9. This is admittedly really unfair of me, but I always have a sneaking suspicion that people who have a very specific physical type they find attractive are a little bit emotionally stunted. Like, it’s normal when you are twelve to only be attracted to platinum blondes with big boobs, or to go through some phase where you fetishize a specific ethnicity. But you should really grow out of those things.

  10. I can understand how connection and personality are important. Everyone knows a 9/10 with no personality is rapidly dropping down the scales and a 5/10 with a great personality goes up to 9/10.

    But I don’t understand feeling an emotion with someone and then feeling physically attracted (I’ve had that but also had specific body parts that are sexy af). You can have very close friends that you have a great connection with, and some people you just hit it off, but that wouldn’t make me physically attracted to them. To me it sounds like he isn’t able to explain accurately enough what he means. I imagine he does find specific parts of you attractive but because it’s you and he has the connection he feels more attracted overall.

    FYI I’ve avoided the ass or boobs question before because sometimes gf’s has what they would call good boobs but a bad ass, and if I had to pick I’d go for ass. Didn’t want to upset her even though I loved her ass.

  11. So, not sure how applicable this is to other dudes, but there’s a very special category of attraction for me that is very little a function of that person’s body (that’s not to say their body is physically unattractive though).

    So, typically I would be very sexually attracted to the normal t&a, but that is all very superficial attraction. A more ‘complex/legitimate’ attraction involves so much beyond that like their face, mannerisms, how they act around me, hobbies, quirks, etc, and actually very little involves their body.

    Those attractions are usually very compelling for me.

  12. I find a lot of different things attractive; different styles, sizes, shapes. There’s not one type that does it for me more than another, it’s a package deal. Lanky ginger tomboys in flannel and cut offs? Love it. Curvy black girls with punk rock haircuts? Absolutely. Big tiddy goth girls? Sign me up. Ripped gym rat cougars? Sure! Asian businesswomen with bob haircuts who maintain eye contact for slightly too long? I’m there for it.

    But all the wonderful different ways people can rock their style and body don’t really matter if it’s all hypothetical. The most attractive person all-around is the person who wants to spend time with me who I love spending time with. It’s not like whether I date someone hinges on whether or not they cut their hair or get tattoos or wear leather. It *might* be what gets my attention in the first place, or it might not, but it’s not where the deeper attraction comes from.

  13. Your body or face only brings them to you in the first place, but then after that you have to talk to each other, so if you were to say only unpleasant ugly things, you won’t be very attractive after that, now will you?

  14. While I believe that someone can have an emotional connection that makes one aware of your partners flaws so that you’re attracted to them as a whole but it had to start somewhere. The odds that it started with an emotional connection only is pretty remote (simply because that takes more time than it takes to see someone physically).

    So, it’s a sweet response but there’s definitely some aspect about you physically that he initially found attractive.

  15. I met this one girl in college I wasn’t exactly attracted to her like at all. But when I realized that she was really smart like smarter than me I swear she became my favorite person in the world

  16. Well, from what your boyfriend described, it sounded like he found you physically attractive holistically, which was then magnified by your personality and the chemistry between you two. Again, like how some guys like boobs or ass or whatever, he didn’t have any specific *thing*; he just saw your body as a whole and went “yep, that’ll do it for me” (but probably using more romantic language :p). Nothing really to pinpoint, just the whole package.

    Though I’m single, if we’re just talking physically, sometimes it’s the eyes, other times it’s the boobs, or the hair, or the smile, but sometimes, I just see the whole thing and it’s a done deal. I have no real type to speak of, but I will know what I like when I see it.

    >Are you aware of your partners flaws and just don’t care or you’re attracted to them as a whole so you don’t notice?

    “Flaws” like? It’s pretty much as you say, odds are if they started a relationship with you, “flaws” and all, they either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

  17. He may have a type but he’s not going to tell you because you’re not it. Also – it doesn’t matter.

    I have a lot of types. I’m insanely attracted to brunettes with light eyes. I never end up with them. Just busty blondes. Which I guess is also one of my types.

    Point is: being someone’s “type” is like having a good resume. It gets your foot in the door. If your foot is already in the door, you’re fine.

  18. I completely get your title wording. I’ve used “as opposed” in a Reddit title before and it didn’t sit right with me either.

    Good alternatives are such as:
    ‘rather than’; ‘instead of’ ‘more over’.

    And to answer your question, I sometimes prefer a person for their personality and don’t care for their body shape or looks. And sometimes I’m shallow and it’s the complete reverse. I couldn’t tell you why we as men are attracted to the things we are.

  19. I’m the same way really. Sure there are parts that I can appriciate, but they don’t determine anything. Sure, boobs and ass are cool, but you know what’s even cooler? the person they’re attached to.

  20. I think your boyfriend is lying to you. It’s the same with when men ask women what they find attractive and women saying they want a sensitive, nice guy, but then always end up dating a “jerk”. Ask guys what they find attractive and they will come up with stuff like: “someone who’s kind, someone who likes me, who doesn’t mind playing video games all day long and staying in her pajamas”. But then you put some frumpy girl who embodies all these things and a hot, but bitchy girl in front of him and he will always 100% chase the hot girl.

  21. I was catfished on eHarmony by a college professor. She looked nothing like her picture but I’m not an asshole so stayed for dinner and she turned out to be a fascinating person. She had great stories, was smart and witty and I really enjoyed talking with her. A few phone dates later and she said she didn’t want to talk to me on the phone anymore and she insisted on seeing me in person. She was looking for a full service BF so I had to stop talking to her. I was attracted to her personality but wasn’t attracted to her body at all. Does that answer your question?

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