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Men of Reddit, What goes on on your mind when you are in love with a woman but aren’t dating her yet ?

I speak for myself and my other female friends but we think constantly about the man. Talk about him a lot, a##lyze his texts, check his social media, who followed him and who he followed back etc x)

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50 Comments

  1. I can’t say I’ve ever loved someone before dating them, but if I’m into a woman, I am pretty much glued to my phone, anticipating that next text and probably reading too much into the conversation. I will maybe creep a social media account.

  2. her sounds and smells…..

    The scent of a woman gets me every time, especially working and living around guys all fucking day. That sweet, soft scent…. must be the pheromones.

  3. Sadness, and the likelihood of her already being with someone else. Or I know she’s with someone else and she probably deserves better than me anyway.

    That being said I don’t creep socials or hyperanalyze much. The way I see it, if you have to jump through hoops to try to click with someone, you’re digging your own grave.

  4. Everything that I love about her. Her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her eye roll, the way she hides her face at the slightest scare in any movie, the way she kicks her feet getting off the couch, the way she dances to everything, her passion for helping others. Then I think of all the ways I could tell her how amazing she is. And how much she means to me, then I think of how she will probs never like me

  5. Man good question brother probably the thing that crosses my mind the most is how life would be with that person or like stuff I would do with them just generally thinking about them a lot but it hurts cause u know it won’t ever happen

  6. Countless useless scenarios and cute moments. But I think you’re confusing being in love with infatuation.
    True love is not feelings or chemistry or not being able to get someone out of your head, those things fade and are infatuations. True love is actions towards someone even when they don’t deserve them and even if they come at a personal cost. And it’s those actions as simple as they may be that fuel the feelings and sparks. Understanding that will get you to a happy ever after life with a partner for life.

  7. I find myself in this very predicament. What goes on in my mind is a lot of worrying about whether she would ever like me as well as a lot of meditating about a possible future with the person. 0/10 would not recommend!

  8. What you are describing sounds more like an infatuation to me. You feel an attraction based on your image of someone and how you imagine they would treat you. Social media can really compound this effect, as you’re getting a curated, filtered, face-tuned, highlights reel of their life which often has little grounding in the daily reality.

    Can you really be in love with someone you don’t know that well, who has not yet shown you their character or how they will treat you?

    My advice is to enjoy the infatuation for what it is, and maintain a healthy skepticism about the rest until you can be confident that you are basing your love for them on real, lived experience. If you let your imagination outrun your pragmatism, you will often set yourself up for disappointment.

  9. So I am awful at dating. I miss social cues only to be told by people years later what was happening. I am not particularly up with pop culture so I will misinterpret things or derail situations/conversations with my ignorance. I am most likely mildly autistic (see point 1) so I am sending off all sorts of weird body language signals.

    So with all that in mind I have gone from thinking about them and reading and rereading their messages lovingly, and constantly wanting to talk to them to somewhere between abject horror and resigned defeat.

    Falling in love and it not being reciprocated sets off alarms in my head. The first thing I do is suppress any and all hopeful thoughts I might have about my future with this person. Pandora’s Box was full of all the horrible monstrous things and hope was in that box for a reason, not as a fail safe.

    The next thing I do is try to control all of my responses/interactions to/with that person. I have been alone so long and I am so touch starved that if I acted honestly… they… well lets say I just learned it dose not work out. So I try to act naturally. The problem is you have to act natural, but also act interested, it is a hard balance and I do not have much practice.

    I act reserved as well. Unless they are interested in a relationship as well I do not want to get a just physical relationship. I pulled that one off last year with a pretty redhead and the juxtaposition of physical relationship with no intimacy was too much for me. I got way too needy and “rushed things” (this is how it was explained to me by friends).

    So there is a lot of anxiety, there is a happy face, there is a dance both parties dance, then hopefully there is a mutual understanding. The mutual part is the hard part.

  10. Each little text or instagram alert at the top of the phone screen us an entire lifetime of potential hope that will always be utterly crushed when you open it to find out Verizon is confirming your subscription for another month

  11. I’ve never loved a woman I wasn’t dating. When I was younger, I have been obsessed with someone and thought it was love.
    Are you sure you’re in love and not obsessed?

  12. You simultaneously start imagining a life with them while also knowing you might never even date them. You subconsciously work them into your future plans even though you know it’s wishful thinking. I think the best way to describe it is you “try on” the possibility of a relationship in the comfort of your own thoughts and decide if it’s worth it to pursue.

  13. If what you mean is a crush For me it’s more of an “ah sh*t not again, she probably ain’t gonna feel the same, oh well wait it out and get back to business” if it’s a friend and Its actual love then I want to hold each other

  14. We’ll fantasize about being with them, going on romantic dates, laughing with them, and generally having a good time, touching, flirting, kissing, etc. Pretty much whatever appeals to us.

    Some guys might think in overtly sexual ways like picturing how they look naked and being in bed with them. I’m more of a romantic type so everything before the sexual stuff is what I think of……. first…

    Edit: also, reading some of the other comments, yes, we do think about the women constantly, overanalyze/read into texts (because we pretty much have to sometimes), anticipate return messages/check our phones constantly, etc. I’ve been trying to pull back on some of these things though. Being too serious about it usually comes with the added effect of screwing everything up. It’s important for people to maintain control over themselves sometimes so that they can respond appropriately instead of letting their emotions blow up and destroy everything.

  15. It would be the exact same for a Woman.
    We want to be near them, pull their chair out for them, tell her how beautiful she is and hopefully she respects that. In general we dont want to mess things up.

    Right now there’s a girl I really like that follows me on IG I told her she’s beautiful and all but I haven’t really pursued her like the rest only because I look at her as a wifey material but oddly I’m not ready to be in a relationship.

  16. I don’t really know if romantically loving someone you haven’t dated is possible. Maybe if you were friends with them first but even then you don’t know them the way you really need to to be romantically in love with them. Infatuation is certainly possible though and I really try my best not to let things get to that level. But you obviously imagine what a future with that person would look like.

  17. U constantly want to be around her and u want to ask her out but don’t know how. Also your scared of rejection. I’m usually just chill but other guys get nervous and stop talking. Also his texts r probably just straight forward with no hidden meanings or anything like that.

    Hope this helped

  18. I would say it’s the same for men, although stocking social media is a depressing way to live your life and will only negatively impact your feelings. People usually only follow people, not unfollow, and nobody really blocks followers unless it’s some Russian porn account, so what I’m saying is don’t let social media dictate what you feel about a person. You will much happier if you keep it real!

  19. If you’re not actually dating them, you’re not in love with them, but you’re in love with your idea of them. I would say there have definitely been time’s I’ve been infatuated with women that I didn’t date, but I could never say I loved any of them.

  20. I wouldn’t consider it love. More like just a really strong attraction and fantasies about what could happen. Though some men take this too far and get out right obsessed with someone despite the other person having no interest what so ever.

  21. I think “this is likely infatuation. I should either pull the trigger and confess my feelings, or distance myself from them for my own wellbeing”

    Ask me 10 years ago, I’d have said “just do whatever I can to make them happy. Maybe they’ll love me too and I can feel good”. Obviously a fallacy, but at least I learned from it.

  22. I don’t think one can be in love with someone before being with them? That sounds like being infatuated to me. And I’ve definitely had that.

    When I have a crush on someone, it’s usually a friend/person I talk to- I may spend time thinking about how they look, what it would be like to date them, what they’re interested in, if I should flirt (if they’re single and I think we’re compatible of course)

    If i’m infatuated with someone- its 90% of the time because we’re closer and we’re flirtatious. That’s when I generally tend to fantasize, think about them all the time, pour over things they say, talk about them all the time, etc etc… If we’re dating I always love recalling butterfly-y feelings (kissing, sweet things she’s said, any kind of sexual encounter, little things that they do)

    Crushing and being infatuated can kinda have some overlap depending. I also tend to find a broad range of people physically attracted, so I don’t particularly take note in small little crushes.

    Being in love can definitely still have those infatuation feelings, but it doesn’t have to. It’s a lovely place where mutual understanding/respect/communication meet.

  23. Pretty much the same thing as you, think about them all the time, making up scenarios with her in my head, analyzing that one sentence she said in the middle of the convo from 6 hours ago, parkouring between “oh yeah she definitely likes me” and “I’m not good enough for her/a relationship”

  24. I just sit there and admire from afar trying to send mind waves into her brain so she knows I like her lol. I’d approached them more often but we all know how men approaching women goes so that’s the best I can do lol in terms of stalking their profiles no I don’t do that aint nobody got time for that.

  25. There used to be this person I worked with who was on a different team than me. She was, no lie, the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. She was EXTREMELY kind and really funny and super smart. When I met her she had a serious bf who is now her husband so it never was anything other than friendship. But in my imagination, she’s one of like maybe 5 women I’ve met in my life where I was like “I just want to be around this person and love them forever” So it was like just an avalanche of good thoughts about them all the time. I don’t analyze stuff anymore, it doesn’t lead to anywhere good. So I just happy day dream.

  26. I wonder if she actually likes me back until I find out she doesn’t lol. But they’re usually on my mind all the time. I think they’ll like this. Oh theyll find this funny. I wonder if they’re thinking of me. Why haven’t they texted back. I mustve made them feel weird. Let me tell them I hope I didn’t make you feel weird.

    We think the same things, we are just expected to keep it to ourselves to not appear girly or appear manly.

  27. After wasting many-a-young years doing this charade, I either just ask her out, or try to forget and relieve the “crush” by asking out other women who are physically and emotionally available.

  28. OP that is way too obsessive and compulsive, especially this day and age in our current culture. People come and go, life and yourself change. It makes sense have a healthy level of interest beforehand of a relationship and to have so at a greater degree when you’re in a relationship, but otherwise it’s just a waste of time and a distraction. Its great if a relationship happens with someone you are interested in, but you won’t find me trying to form a psychological profile of them based of their social media, spending exuberant amounts of time with ideations of them or micro analyzing every little thing they do or don’t do.

  29. I think it’s safer to say when you are “infatuated” or in love with the “idea of a person” because being friends with someone is way different from dating. And love takes time to develop once the infatuation and day dreaming stops.

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