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Men of Reddit, how did you get your confidence back after finding out your long term SO cheated?

Not much to add here… but what brought your confidence back?

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25 Comments

  1. She did it. Not you. Any notion that it was a poor relationship with you that led her to do it is utter BS.

    Betrayal is never excusable, and it reflects nothing of your character or quality whatsoever if your SO decides to cheat on you. It only says how terrible they are.

    However you decide to move past it, you have to believe you didn’t make her betray you.

  2. This is gonna sound ridiculous, but I realized I was free. I can do whatever I want with my life now, so presently I’m banking money and taking care of myself in all the ways I neglected to previously. There is that initial stage of shock and self pity, but over time you realize it’s better to drop a snake than carry one. As others have said, heartbreak is time, and it gets better.

  3. I haven’t experienced that but what I’m going to say is get to the gym and become a better version of yourself. Diet and workout and become a beast that attracts women without even speaking, then, you will be more confident than ever.

  4. I didn’t really lose it an neither should you. Her cheating has nothing to do with your value as a man, it only has to do with her inability to commit. You didn’t lose her, she lost you.

  5. I went through a lot of self destructive coping methods initially, like smoking a lot of weed, abusing my anxiety medication, hooking up with new girls every weekend. They all made me feel worse.

    When I saw the damage I was doing to myself physically and mentally I got my act together. I went to therapy. Went 100% sober. I began working out, got in great shape, then started competing in bodybuilding competitions.

    I don’t let my happiness rest in other people now. In the longterm the whole experience made me a better version of myself.

  6. What I found helped was deciding to turn the experience into a positive. At first, I swore she was such a whore and poor me etc..

    Then I analyzed my behavior within the relationship and I saw a lot of things I needed to work on. Then I put in the work to improve myself. This isn’t making excuses for her. Just stating things aren’t always so black and white.

  7. Keep practicing seeing your cheating SO (hopefully ex SO) and the affair more objectively to dissociate them from your worth and who you are.

    The fact is that even people in perfect relationships cheat and get cheated on. It’s less about the betrayed person and the state of the relationship; the problem really lies with the cheater. Cheating is not a response to a bad relationship – the cheater could have just broken up first. The cheater didn’t do so because he/she was too selfish to do the right thing. So this is not an indictment on you, it’s an indictment on your SO.

    Professionals who have studied infidelity have described one of the possible motivations for cheating as cheaters trying to “discover a different version of themselves” that they see with their affair partner (due to the different relationship dynamics, it is often easier for the affair partner to mirror this to the cheater, but it tends to be a facade that does not last for long). Also, the cheater often fails to communicate this desire/need well to his/her partner. Cheating in these circumstances is a result of the cheater being unable to deal with the identity crisis healthily, having weak boundaries and having a weak conscience or being adept at minimising and avoiding his/her conscience.

    I know I am generalising here, but personally I have found that most of these points ring true in long-term relationships wrecked by infidelity. That is to say, the problem is not you where it comes to the infidelity. Both parties may bear responsibility for the problems in the relationship (and all relationships have their own problems so it is nothing to beat yourself about and you can and should continue working on yourself). But only one party is responsible for cheating. So don’t let the cheating destroy your confidence and self-esteem.

    (Try to get individual therapy to work through the betrayal, self-esteem and trust issues etc – these are normal reactions in the aftermath but they do not have to be a permanent feature in your life.)

  8. Not SO, but long term girlfriend cheated on me in high school. My mom gave me sage advice. “Hell, go fuck one of her friends, fuck two if you have to”. Thanks mom, in a way she was right, move on as fast as you can, and realize that their cheating doesn’t mean you are a bad person, they are. For the record, it worked.

  9. It takes time. First I blamed myself. I eventually got past that. It helped a lot when I found out that the other guy thought they were in a monogamous relationship also, so she cheated on him too. Turns out she had cheated on other guys in the past, and continued to cheat after our relationship. In the long run, it was a problem she had, not me. So strange, that this woman seemed like a saint most of the time, like a really good person, but was a serial cheater.

  10. Move on to another woman as fast as possible. Forget what she did. It wasn’t about you. It was about your relationship and her lust or revenge or something.

    Can’t dwell on that shit. It will just eat you up. And whatever reason you settle on it being about isn’t true.

    You can only find that out much much later if you ever talk to her again.

    Go through a few more women and then find a good one..

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