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Men, how did you get over the fear of rejection and got the courage to ask a girl out?

Not asking for a friend, asking for my pussy ass. There’s this really cute girl downstairs and we’ve talked a bit lately but i can’t find the balls to just go down there and ask her if she wants to grab a coffee. At this point i even wonder if she didn’t ask herself “wtf is this guy doing?”

Im too scared to act and im tired of it. This shit happened all my life. I singlehandedly sabotage myself and most likely missed out on meeting some amazing women because of this.

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36 Comments

  1. Dude rejection is the wrong perspective. She doesn’t know you, so she can’t reject YOU. Rejection is being dumped after years together.

    So reframe things, what’s the absolute worst that can happen? She may turn you down, maybe she’s had a long day, maybe she’s not in a state where she wants to be dating, there are a million reason she may not want to go out at the moment. So that’s the worst case, it’s more she may not be ready to go out, it’s not that she’s passing judgment on you.

    So what’s the best case? She says yes. So you got nothing to lose. Remember, you miss every shot you don’t take.

  2. When you say you’ve talked a bit, describe that if you can. What do you talk about? Does she smile and look you in the eye? Does she laugh? Does she give enthusiastic input to your chats? Where do these conversations take place? When? All this will help work out how likely she is to be interested, and when you’re more sure about that it will be much less scary to ask.

  3. It gets worse the longer you wait. That’s the problem right there. If you ask someone out when the thought occurs to you, then it was merely a passing thought. Waiting just increases your anxiety because you’ll either play the scenario out over and over, and/or become emotionally invested. It’s a lot easier to not give a shit about rejection when you have little to nothing invested in the reply.

  4. You gotta train yourself to realize risk vs reward.

    Risk is you feel bad for a small period of time if she says no.

    Reward is you could be hanging out with the love of your life, right now, had you just asked her if she wanted to grab coffee.

    You’re not a pussy, you just don’t understand risk vs reward.

  5. We over think these things like crazy. Next time you see her; a bit of chit chat and ask if she’d like to grab coffee sometime. If she says no, then you have your answer. Next time she sees you it may be a little awkward, and maybe the next time….but that’s it. Your “rejection” isn’t going to define your life or hers. You asked her out, that’s all.

    Also, it’s not rejection – that implies there is something wrong with you. If you were to “reject” a girl, it’s because she’s incompatible – it’s because she doesn’t have the traits that you are looking for, most likely someone else will like her for who she is.

    It’s compatibility, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with incompatibility. That’s all dating is, why we get so hung up on rejection is beyond me.

    Best of luck to you.

  6. Are you flirting? Is she? Do you know her well enough to know her hobbies and interests? If you share any of her interests and hobbies, ask her if she wants to go hike/paddle/walk/whatever you can safely do right now.

    If you haven’t been mutually flirting and you can’t tell if she’s just being polite, you’re gambling.

    If you are shit at flirting and need some conversation starters, ask. Some people are natural at goofing around with other humans and we can give you some ideas. If it falls flat, you might still have a friend who has girlfriends who you might like.

  7. You need to learn how to talk to her before you can ask her out. “Talked a bit lately” is not gonna cut it. If you can’t make random talk interesting enough so that she might actually be the one to suggest going out for something then you’re not ready to be on a date with her. She will most likely turn you down if you ask her out of the blue, and then you’ll have to get back from deeper down to recover and work towards becoming better.

  8. Let me put it to you like my friend Dave always said in high school on this very topic, “Son, listen up good, God hates a coward”.

    Here is your line, small talk, small talk, hey I’m going across the street to grab a coffee, I could use some caffeine, want to join me?

    You told her where, when and the reason. Who doesn’t need more caffeine. Now get your pussy ass out there and seize the day. Report back too.

  9. You can do it. Do it in person, not text. Do it early in the conversation. Look her in the eye. Assume she will say yes. If she says no, you can always say “worth a shot.” You’ve got this.

  10. As they say, practice makes perfect. Being turned down sucks, but once it happens a few times you learn that it’s okay. The trick is not to build it up in your head before hand- the anxiety and fear will hurt way more than the actual event. It’s a lot like stubbing your toe, actually. Hurts like a bitch for a minute, but you walk it off and 10 minutes later its like it never happened.

  11. I never did im 23 years old still a virgin never had a gf not even a kiss. Ive had girls show me signs of interest even give me their numbers but im just too much of a pussy. Even if i did get a girl back to my place idk how tf to get her in the mood. Even if she was already in the mood my inexperience would be obviously from the start and prob turn her off. Girls expect guys my age to be great at sex i dont meet those expectations. One girl actually invited me in her house after we walked home together i just sat there while we both looked at our phones until she asked me to leave. Im prob gonna lose it to an escort

  12. Honestly you just need to realise that not everyone is guna be right for you rejection isnt that big a deal. If you get rejected then just realise it obviously wasnt the right time or the right person never read too much into the why they said no. Just move onto the next one.

  13. Whenever I ended up in a situation like this, I always asked myself what I have to lose. And the answer is nothing. I lose absolutely nothing if I go to her and ask her out. We’re not dating, we’re not friends, we’re not husband and wife. If she says no, absolutely nothing changes in my life. The only change happens if she says yes. But she saying yes is the point, isn’t it? So go and ask her out.

  14. Just do it. I mean nothing is gonna happen if nothing happens. Just gain up the courage and ask. It’s no big thing. I guess what helped me was experience getting rejected. Eventually you realize it’s not a big deal.

  15. Can’t say I ever got over the fear, but rather realized the only way something will happen is if I go for it. So just take a breath and make a move my guy

  16. I’m basically in the same boat. I’ve passed on a ton of opportunities because of the thought of rejection. The irony is all the times I’ve been rejected haven’t been that bad. Basically all the times I’ve been rejected outright, I’m completely over it in a couple weeks. The times, I’ve gotten into relationships and they’ve ended, that really sucks but even so i cherish the memories of the good times and am glad they happened.

    Despite all that I still need to really talk myself into making a move every single time. Just keep in mind if you don’t, it’s definitely not going to happen

  17. Just accept the fact that you’ll get rejected. Figure that you’re going to be rejected 9/10 times, but that’s fine. It’s a numbers game. Just keep asking until one says yes.

    Just toss a wide net and don’t worry about getting rejected. What’s the worst that can happen? You never see her again? Well if you don’t try you’re DEFINITELY never going to see her again so what have you really lost by trying? That’s the mindset you need to live with.

    So what should you do? Next time you’re talking to this girl just ask her “Hey, I’m about to go for a walk. Would you like to join me for a coffee?”. Best case, she says yes. Neutral case, she says she can’t right now but asks about a different day, maybe tomorrow. Worst case she says no and you’re now back to the exact same position you were in, which is perfectly fine. Only sweat it if you get put in a worse position than you were already in. If you’re left in the exact same position then you didn’t lose anything, so why should you care?

  18. If you dont ask her out, I will, or any of the other dudes who youve now told. Time is wasting. You better hurry. What have you got to lose. If she says no, nothing has changed.

  19. It’s like jumping off a cliff. There’s clouds below you, and you can’t see the ground. The only way you can find out what is down there is by jumping off. Yes, it’s scary the first few times. Hell, it’s scary no matter what. But you know that no matter what is down there, you will not die. You might get hurt a bit, but you’ll be fine. And the only way to find out is jumping off. You just have to take the leap at some point. And the sooner you leap, the sooner you reach the ground.

  20. Would you rather ask a girl out, and MAYBE get rejected? Or never ask her out, and live the rest of your life thinking..”hmm I wonder what would’ve happened if I made a move”. That’s exactly what lit a fire under my ass. Not get out there and get claim your woman!

  21. Great question. I spent sooo much time and stress trying to get my nerve up to ask people out.

    For me, I just got older. When you’re older, there are a number of things for which you say “Damn, I so wish I knew that when I was younger”, and #1 for me is this issue. You just come to the realization that hearing “no” from someone does not destroy your world or leave you incapable of ever asking anyone out again.

    And yes, you convince yourself when you’re young that it’s GOT TO BE this specific girl/woman because you’re so infatuated with her–well, throughout your life you’ll meet 100s if not 1,000s of women where you think, “wow, I’d really like to get to know her more”.

    So, if it’s any consolation, I learned there was nothing more useless that I stressed over than possibly getting rejected when asking someone out when I was young.

  22. There are tons of ‘inner game’ or ‘self love’ practices you can adopt. Visualization, Meditation or whatever. You can try to really integrate some useful perspectives mentioned here, like the one that if she says no, she doesn’t really reject YOU, because she doesn’t know you. And they all can help just a little bit.

    But from my perspective it comes down to: That feeling won’t go away. You can’t ‘overcome’ the anxiety or get rid of it or something. The only real trick there is is trying regardless.

  23. Be terrified, and do it anyway. You have to be uncomfortable to grow.

    If you get turned down, what will happen? You’ll be sad, then you’ll get over it and move on because now you know she’s out of the pool. You have a chance, so try. Think its a 1% chance? Ask 100 women. Many men ask more.

    If you never try, you’ll literally only guarantee that your chances are 0, and you’ll be JUST as sad as if you got rejected.

    Because you ARE being rejected by yourself every day.

    Sincerely, an older you.

  24. Expect her to say no. Accept the fact she will. Then ask anyway so you can say you tried. Then find out she says yes then panic because you don’t know what you are doing. Then visit back here and let us know and ask for what to do next. To which we will respond with she is human not an alien talk about what she’s interested in what you’re interested in. Then ask if she would be down to hang out again. Repeat and hopefully eventually get some.

  25. Whether she says yes, no or maybe, you are still the same person you were before you asked her out. You’ve lost nothing either way, even if you “mess it up” or she says no, because not asking will have the same result.
    Actually, not asking is worse, because you’ll eventually see her w someone else or she’ll move out, and it will compound the regrets you already have.

    If you ask and she says no, then it wasn’t gonna work out anyways, and she’s not for you.

    Reframe this in your head. Even if a girl likes a guy, few will ask him out, so she could be waiting on you to make the move.

    Shoot your shot bro, nobody else gonna shoot it for you. If you miss, no regrets bc at least you tried, and now u know the answer.

    As my Boss (sales job) once told me:

    “Some will, some won’t. Some do, some don’t. Who’s next?”

  26. Any fear that you have comes from putting her on a pedestal. That runs a high risk of leading to oneitis, and the _really bad_ form of “nice guy behaviour”.

    In general, you need to simply not give a fuck. This is just one girl among billions. So she _looks_ cute. She may even _act_ cute. So fucking what? She could be Lecter Hannibal in female form for all you know, and she just hasn’t popped that side of her yet.

  27. She either likes you already or she doesn’t, go find out. Go ask her for her number next time you see her and ask her out.

    She either says yes or she says no, that’s about the worst that will happen so stop being scared. Go out and get hurt! Why? Because that’s living man.

  28. You know that feeling of hesitation when you’re considering jumping into a cold pool? And how you just need to turn the doubt off for a second and just DO it?

    It’s pretty much like that. Maybe it’ll be cold, maybe it won’t, but that doesn’t change the fact you need to just do it.

  29. Okay, there’s several things here that guys fail to realize sometimes. Regardless of how pretty they are or whatever, they are still human. They make mistakes too and you make mistakes as well. Don’t let your own emotions prevent you from asking her. You’d be surprised at how many women love to see guys show genuine emotion regardless of nervousness or what have you. It shows that you care and a lot like that, especially if they are seeking a companion.

    Another thing is that guys get caught up in the infatuation of how they look and can sometimes go for the wrong girl. It won’t hurt to still ask her out anyways. You have to get to know the person and see what you are getting into. You never know, sometimes the woman can be a very genuine person or they could also be very unappealing once you get to know them.

    Go for it! I just recommend to be careful and use good judgment. If you don’t get along too well or disagree a lot, it’s probably not the best to pursue.

  30. It is not easy. This summer I read a book on leadership for my profesional development hours. One section of the book talks about our vulnerabilities and one activity we had to do was become vulnerable. As I did the activity I realized why I don’t ask women out, it is becasue I am afraid of being rejected and the let down that follows.

  31. You already have no for an answer. The only way you change that is by asking her.

    Also, be casual about it. Literally just ask “you wanna grab a coffee sometime?” and be yourself. Yes, it’s scary to get out of your comfort zone, but it’s rewarding.

  32. After reading this, I can clearly see that you are afraid of being rejected. So what if you are shot down? nothing changes. If on the other hand, she becomes engaged in conversation, enjoys some time with you, then you have made a friend. Do worry. Read your post again, and pretend it is me writing it and you will see what I mean. Good luck to you.

  33. Find a friend. A real friend. One you trust. One you wouldn’t lie to.

    Tell them about the girl.

    Say you want to ask her out.

    Tell them that if you don’t ask her out they get a free shot at your nuts.

    Set a deadline.

    Let the fear motivate you.

    Every time I’ve done that I asked the girl out. Did I do a good job? No. But at least I shot my shot and don’t have to live with the regret.

    PS. It doesn’t really matter how awkward you are when you ask a girl out. They will be able to tell you are sincere and if they aren’t interested being smooth for the 20 seconds it takes to ask them out isn’t gonna make much difference.

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