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Meat and fat cooking enthusiast husband has gained a lot of weight. How do I get through to him? He’s at higher risk of covid.

He has gained quite a lot of weight since March. He hasn’t stepped on the scale but it is very visible. He has a gut when he didn’t previously and he looks heavier. It worries me because he works from home. He’s doing the cooking. He’s not exercising. He’s an ex smoker and HIV+.

I work and come home late and I am unable to cook for us so it’s usually his cooking that we eat. Which is quite fattening because he likes to believe he’s a chef. I have suggested healthier meals and he does cook those but that one dinner meal won’t affect much. It’s very meat and fat heavy.

To give you an idea of his cooking. He finds recipes online that are very indulgent and much more suited for a special meal.

Fried ravioli. Chicken parm with cheese stuffed chicken. Cakes. Homemade donuts. Muffins on the daily. Big two portion steak meals that he eats for himself. Lasagna with a lot of meat and cheese. It’s all heartburn inducing.

Cooking and baking are his hobbies and I get that’s he’s stuck at home and enjoying doing his hobbies but it’s worrying.

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He’s positive and according to his doctor that’s not a risk but I still worry a lot. Although I get tested regularly through my employer I am always sick with worry that I’ll be coming him and bringing in the virus. We had a friend not much older than us who was obese pass away from covid.

I have had the heart to heart with him and straight up told him that he has to focus on his health a bit more. He minimised the issue and said he is still within the healthy range, I am sure he is not. He also took it wrong and turned it into a fitness issue. He’s now thinking that I am upset about him not looking chiseled and with a 6 pack because he used to be quite fit. I am not that body type either and I have re-expressed that it is about his health.

How do I get through to him?

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10 Comments

  1. So your husband isn’t posting here, but you are. So you’re the person I’m going to talk to.

    > He’s not exercising. He’s an ex smoker and HIV+.

    The first thing you mention is relevant. The other two are not.

    Seriously, if he really is an **ex-**smoker, then bringing it up as part of your arguments about his health isn’t helpful. He’s already done everything he can do about the smoking, so it comes across as punishing him for his past.

    Likewise, if he’s managing his medications and generally being responsible about his HIV, then again, you bringing that up isn’t helpful.

    If your reasons for mentioning his former smoking and his HIV status are to argue that he needs to do something because he’s so *”sick and frail and vulnerable”*, that’s a shitty position to argue from. You’re basically trying to *guilt and shame* him into doing what you want. So stop trying to do that. It’s not working, and even if it did work, he’d resent the hell out of you for it.

    >Cooking and baking are his hobbies and I get that’s he’s stuck at home and enjoying doing his hobbies but it’s worrying.

    …so what **other** hobbies have you tried to encourage him to do? What **else** does he have to do while he’s stuck at home?

    I mean, if you’re correct that part of the problem is that he’s stuck at home with limited activities, and he’s using his hobbies to find happiness, how the **fuck** are you supposed to convince him to *quit doing things he likes* unless you’re ready and able to offer some alternatives?

    >…he likes to believe he’s a chef… It’s all heartburn inducing.

    So, **you** don’t think he’s a chef. And you get heartburn from eating steak and muffins and doughnuts… or at least the ones *he* makes.

    I mean, setting aside health questions, it sounds like you really don’t **like** your husband’s cooking, like, at all. You don’t seem to think it’s prepared well or enjoyable. At the very least, you struggle to say **anything** positive about the food and how its prepared.

    Maybe there’s something else going on here?

    >He’s positive and according to his doctor that’s not a risk but I still worry a lot.

    So his doctor says “don’t worry”, and you… worry. A lot.

    Maybe there’s something else going on here?

    >How do I get through to him?

    You hate his cooking, you hate his hobbies, and you think he’s harming his own well-being and health.

    Based on his response to your “heart to heart”, I think you very accurately expressed your feelings on the matter.

    This whole thing is shot through-and-through with negativity, with fear and hatred and nothing good comes from that.

    You’re not talking about him feeling good or having more energy or sleeping better. You’re not talking about trying different recipes or different ways to cook. You’re not offering to do more cooking or be more active in meal planning.

    You’re just saying “you’re cooking is unhealthy and bad and you eat too much of it and you’re going to *die* because of it!”

    How did you *think* that would go?

  2. I remember when I first discovered my love for cooking, put on quite a bit of weight shockingly quickly doing exactly what your husbands doing now. He needs to reprioritize fitness and remember he can still indulge his hobby. Try a delicious steak with some grilled asparagus; or a delicious marinade for some chicken with a sweet potato side. There’s ways to have the passion and still eat right

  3. I haven’t read the comments but I did want to address your question.

    How do you get through to him?

    Maybe you don’t try to “get through to him”.

    Maybe instead you first try to understand him.

    You’re part way there as it is.

    There’s a lot of ways Covid kills.

    Mental health is one of them.

    Sure being obese is declared as being a higher risk but that risk comes from the long time damages of obesity and not so much from sudden onset.

    I’m going to keep this as short as possible and you consider the things that I may have filled in with.

    Life is short and we don’t know exactly when we will die.

    The idea is to try to prolong this as much as possible.

    But there is a time to consider quality of life as well.

    Especially when you are looking and all you are seeing is shit you have no control over of you happen upon it.

    Mental health is just as important and indulgences have their own therapeutic effect.

    Fat and happy is a thing.

  4. Honestly, it seems it’s more about how much he eats rather than *what* he eats. He needs to work on portion control. It’s very possible to have a meat and fat heavy diet and be in shape (ex: keto).

  5. Have you been putting on weight? It’s possible that he’s trying to fatten you up. A lot of guys are sexually attracted to their woman eating, being bloated/full, gaining weight, visually getting fatter. I know I always liked to order my GFs big portions with desserts and drinks too.

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