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I just found out the girl of my dreams doesn’t see a future with me. Not sure how to proceed

Well, as luck would have it, the girl I’ve been “dating” for 6 months now just told me she doesn’t see me “that way” anymore.

We were never really official (her terms) though we’ve both gone on dates, been intimate multiple times, and have both confessed our feelings for each other. She just suddenly sprung it on me last night that while she doesn’t see me as a potential partner anymore, she still wants me in her life, doing the same things that I usually did with her, basically treating her like a girlfriend still.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m not very experienced with relationships so fellow men, what do I do?

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50 Comments

  1. As the old song goes, [hold on loosely](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJtf7R_oVaw) is what to do here.

    She says, “you’re not a potential partner, but I like you”. She probably has in the back of her mind maybe you ARE a potential partner. But in her own mind she’s working through some stuff, this or that. These things take time for people, years, decades.

    The psychology of some women. They find people they personally like and enjoy. But they overanalyze it all. They look at your job, your family, your quirks, your cleanliness, this, that, and try to match it up with their “forever partner” ideal. Maybe they find some flaw and say “oh, I found a flaw, so this is not my partner” even though they super like you. That’s how many women think. They go on playing this game ’til there about 30, when they realize how unreasonable it is, and then in desperation they marry some asshole who meets none of their criteria, and become unhappy about it. Or stay forever single, forever picky.

    Maybe she’s subconsciously testing you a little bit. The test is ironic – she pulls back, and if you come for her, you lose. She’s not testing your loyalty, she’s testing if you’re needy. So the answer is to accept this relationship dynamic. If a lady gets the slightest whiff of neediness, she’s out of there, you are dead to her, that’s just how women operate.

    Could also be she found another guy she is way more into, so she is gearing up for that instead, that happens too. So if you stay friends, you got to be prepared for that possibility.

    You got to ask yourself if you could handle it though. If every moment you’re with her, you’re suffering the fact that you’re not a couple… maybe friendship is not a good idea. If you can roll with it, enjoy her company, and don’t get to upset about the relationship stuff, ride it out. Basically, if you’re emotionally upset around her for whatever reason, don’t be friends.

    And feel free to find someone else, you’re on the market now. Don’t do it aggressively, play it cool, if you find another girl you like and vice versa, go for that, don’t wait on this one. (because if you wait on her, that means you’re needy, which means she’s -gone-). Don’t rub it in her face. Ride it out. She’ll respect the relationship. If she gets jealous and tries to take you back, that’s just another test, say no (she doesn’t actually want you back, it’s just the jealousy)

  2. Proceed with one word…NEXT!

    And don’t fall for that friendzone BS. She can go find someone else to be her emotional tampon to tell all her sorrows to.

    Imagine if you tried the reverse…”Hey baby…I’ve been thinking…I don’t really see you as relationship material, but I’d like you to be in my life for sex. Your cool with that…right?” She would look at you like you had lost your mind….which is exactly how you should look at her.

  3. Hey man, we want to fire you, but we still want you to keep doing your job.

    The relationship is over, that’s the risk you run by having a romantic relationship, it can end. Now it has ended and it’s time to move on. It will hurt, it will be hard and there will be times when you want to accept that shitty deal as long as you can have her close…. But trust me, it’s not worth it. It will fuck up your self esteem and generate toxic interactions and expectations.

  4. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Well sister it don’t work like that.

    If you can respect her feelings, then she should be able to respect yours. Don’t hold out for that shit. Don’t cling to some notion that she’ll come around. If she made you feel a certain way, she can’t say that she didn’t make you feel that way. Ya dig?

    You are your own man, and you’re allowed to feel the feelings you’re feeling. You are not beholden to any “special circumstances” that she wants to create, and tbh those circumstances will fade. She’s made it clear that she isn’t into you “that way” so she will be looking down other avenues. When she finds something that strikes her fancy, she will be like smoke in the wind, and you’ll be left confused and alone.

    Y’all can stay civil, but if you want more than she’s willing to offer it will only make you hurt, and you don’t want to bear witness to her moving on.

  5. Absolutely do not agree to be “just friends” with her, under ANY circumstance. It hurts, but if you do this, it will only further lower her respect for you in her eyes (even if she doesn’t realize it herself) and obliterate your chances of fixing things with her. Not only that, but it will make it much harder for you to move on.

    Now, I could be jumping the gun because there are hardly any details available to us, but I think the best move here is to tell her that you’re sorry she feels that way but you are ready for something more. If she can’t come to terms with that and give you what you want, you will have to move on. You must walk away, cease all contact with her (PERMANENTLY), and never look back. Don’t be mean or aggressive about it. Do it in a tactful way that shows you cared about her, but do it nonetheless.

    it will hurt TREMENDOUSLY to do this, and will take a good amount of discipline to stick to, but it is the fastest way to move on and to save your own sanity. Do not settle for something less than what you want. You will not be happy this way. Your self esteem and sense of worth will take a hit if you do.

    When you cut off contact with her, she will 1000% still be thinking about you. She may or may not reconsider how she feels, that is impossible to know. If she does reconsider (and you never know, she might. People’s feelings change), she will reach out to you and you two will begin talking again. In this case, do not simply rush back into things. Take it very very slow with her and let her do most of the work (or even all of it) to start off with again in the beginning.

    If she doesn’t reconsider and you two never end up talking again, know that it is still a win for you, because you were able to preserve some of your own self-esteem and pride by standing up for yourself, and you will be able to move on much faster by not prolonging contact.

    I know it seems that this girl was probably perfect and was everything you wanted. I know you are probably screaming internally that you would do anything to turn things around with her. But you must not listen to those thoughts, and you must realize that if she doesn’t come back to you on your terms, you WILL meet someone again in the future who will ALSO have all that you are looking for in a partner and be just as good as this person was, if not better. That probably doesn’t sound very reassuring right now and you may not even believe it because the wound is so fresh, but as more time passes, you will begin to see this and believe it, because it is ultimately true. It’s especially hard to believe this when you breakup in the early stages of a relationship, because when the relationship is new, you haven’t noticed your partners flaws much…but believe me, the flaws are definitely there. Had you dated for longer, you would have come to realize either way that this person was in fact not perfect at all.

    I just got dumped by someone I was dating a few weeks ago myself, and this is what I have been doing. I have not contacted her or even so much as looked at her social media once since the breakup, because I refuse to give her that satisfaction. I’m still in a good amount of pain every day, but i’m choosing to focus on myself and I know that eventually things will get better.

    Stay strong.

  6. Move on. Be thankful you learned now rather than later. Yes it will hurt and you’re going to feel some emotions but no-one is to blame here, it just didn’t work out.

    Don’t keep going out with her, it isn’t fair on you. You’ll always be hoping for something she’s made very clear isn’t on the table.

  7. That’s hard. You gotta leave her; you gotta move on. I binge-read a bunch of Alita: Last Order and started learning about philosophy. The longer you keep her in your life, the longer you’ll be miserable and the harder the withdrawls will be to get through.

  8. >the girl of my dreams

    That’s your problem, right there. You have a disease called _oneitis._

    Ending up in the friend zone is purely to benefit her – you will get nothing out of it but pain and suffering. She, on the other hand, can extract resources, effort and entertainment from you by dangling promises and suggestions and innuendos in front of your nose like a carrot, that she has no intention of ever fulfilling.

    You need to preserve your mental health, emotional health, and financial health. Get out, _now._ Cut off all contact, go dark, block her on all social media. Focus on yourself, on your hobbies and doing what you enjoy doing on your own. Trying to find another woman at this time is counterproductive – find _yourself_ first. Heal yourself, find peace, contentment and fulfillment within yourself first.

  9. You are 20. I didn’t meet my now fianceé until I was 31. There are other girls out there that you are compatible with who you have the potential to have a full and loving relationship with. Slow your roll.

    On that note, set boundaries with this one. Let her know that you’re ok with being friends, but push back if she continues to try to make you pay for things that you do together. If she complains, then explain that if you’re not in a relationship, then that means there are different rules and expectations.

    If she’s a good friend, and you don’t come off as accusatory or bitter, then she’ll understand and you can move on. If not, then you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

  10. Let me give you some advice as someone who has been in almost this EXACT same situation. The important thing to realize is that as people grow, they change, and their feelings are no exception which might be the case for you.

    However, as you stated “We were never “Official” in her terms” this kind of gives the feeling that from the beginning this relationship maybe wasn’t meant to last, at least in terms of a romantic relationship. It seems to me like you should ask yourself a few questions.

    1.) Were you hurt when she said these things? If so, why? Did you see yourself as her boyfriend when she apparently didn’t?

    2.) Are you looking for a casual relationship or a serious exclusive one? Would you be OK with her seeing other men? Would SHE be OK seeing you with other women? If so it seems pretty clear she wants to be nothing more than “friends with benefits” if that’s OK with you, go for it, if not, let your wants be known and if she can’t accept that it might be time to move on.

    3.) Were there any “red flags” early on that have become more prominent, is she distant, do you not feel the connection you used to have?

    4.) Finally (and probably most importantly) ask yourself: WHAT DO YOU WANT? This woman does not own you, and you do not owe her anything whether it be your love or your friendship? Are you OK being just friends? Do you want more of a relationship? Do you feel like you’re being used to physical fulfillment while you’re not getting any emotional connection? If so, you should take off the rose-colored glasses,leave her, and find someone who treats you more like a person who deserves equal amounts of love and dedication.

    Best of luck to you my friend! =)

  11. I think you should move on man, she doesn’t really like you that way which sucks but at least you know now. Unless you’re good with being friends with benefits, but if you actually like her it will be really tough. Find someone that wants you the way you want her.

  12. Not sure how old you are, but when I was in my early 20s there was this girl who I was sure was the one. Just positive. But she friend zoned me so hard. Well I’m glad — I met my wife much later, and I see now “yup, this girl was who I was waiting for.”

    Anecdote; I saw that girl again recently in a book store just a few years ago. She didn’t age well. I’m so glad I waiting for my wife.

  13. Want to be fuck buddies? Go for it. Just make sure you discuss boundaries and rules you’re both happy with. I suspect you referring to her as “girl of my dreams” may make this difficult for you to stay emotionally uninvolved

    Prefer a relationship with love and support? Say goodbye. Fwb arrangements tend to get in the way of developing good relationships with someone else

  14. Since it is clear that there isn’t potential for a romantic relationship, you should decide what you want from the remaining options so that you can work toward it. The remaining options are normal friendship, or ending the relationship completely. Neither of those looks like what you are doing now, which is essentially dating or testing out the waters for dating. The waters have been tested and it turns out this is the nuclear plant spent fuel pond!

    So what do you actually want? Although some parts of the internet think it is impossible, I’ve had relationships that went platonic->romantic->platonic, and platonic->failed romantic->platonic. They are fine. Time passes and people get over things.

    However, unless you want to completely cut the relationship off, you probably will have to explain that the current thing is hurting you, because that can’t continue.

  15. She will only see you as a potential partner again when you have moved on to someone else and she can see that other women find you desirable.

    Nevertheless, you can’t force it. Move on. And you can’t move on if you are hanging around getting some whoopee from time to time and hoping she will change her mind.

  16. Did you talk to her or did she just talk at you for a while in all this?

    Did you ever actually ask her out or try to define the relationship? Or did you just assume that you were a couple after a certain amount of time had passed?

  17. Take comfort in having dodged the bullet. Better to end it now. Would you rather be dumped by your GF of 6 months or be miserable for 6 more months and be dumped by your GF of 1 year.

  18. Pretty much the guys have covered the topic and way to handle it. First and foremost, you are both 20, you’re babies (no disrespect, but in life you are) and “the one” isn’t something you find, it just happens and it happens for both simultaneously, so she’s not the one and you just need to make it simple for yourself going forward. If you want pain, anger, confusion, and the feeling of being used, allow her to do that all to you as a “friend w/benefits”. If you want to find a partner in life that will respect and appreciate you, and you find your own happiness, very respectfully decline her offer and friendship and move forward in your life.

  19. There is nothing wrong with her changing her mind or not being into it – that’s the whole point of dating and getting to know someone. It can take around 6months to decide if you know the person and really do see that kind of future (it’s usually much faster but can often take up to a year).

    I do have a problem with this, though:
    *she still wants me in her life, doing the same things that I usually did with her, basically treating her like a girlfriend still.*

    Does she actually want you to do the same stuff or does she genuinely want a regular friendship with you?
    If it is the first one then brother, do not do it.
    Speaking as a woman, the girls who act like this will often have a few men on rotation that they enjoy using as confidence boosts and dangle them there until they meet the man they are wanting. They will cry to you about other men, they will treat you flirtatiously – may even fuck you once every few years – but essentially they are leading you on to gain confidence from you. They will also hinder your future relationships as a gf would threaten the hold they have over you.

    Don’t allow someone to keep you on a string – have more respect for yourself. If you don’t respect yourself then how can anyone else?

  20. Yeah, she got some side dick she wants to try out. So she is putting you in the friend zone until she sees how that pans out.

    move along get something better. and let her know its better.

  21. At least you got to date her for 6 months. I met the all time girl of my dreams at 39. After 4 dates she wouldn’t even kiss me and I got friendzoned.

  22. “The girl of my dreams”. I will give you the same advice that l gave my son. If you can’t tell the woman you are dating to fuck off, you have no business dating her at all.

  23. Depends on how she said the sentiment of still remaining friends. My ex was my wedding photographer, it’s not exactly hard to stay friends with people you found fun enough to date.

    Just make sure she’s not stringing you along while she moves on. If you’re old fashioned enough that you were paying for everything while dating, stop that shit right away. If go out for a pint and you get yourself a drink, she can fend for herself.

    And if you’re feeling up for it, it’s time to set up profiles on the app of your choice, or start going to places you generally meet people. Just make it clear to her and yourself that you’re not interested in anything more than friendship either.

  24. Been there before, it sucks and it’s gonna hurt for a while. But you gotta move on. If you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth, and honestly she’s doing you a favor by not leading you on any further.

    You may want to still be friends with her, and that is ok. That can happen in the future. But for now, cut off all contact and focus on yourself. Talk to your friends, find things to do. Maybe in the future you can talk to her every now and then, but for the time being go no contact. It’s the only way you’ll be able to move on. You’re still going to care about her, it’s normal. But for your own well being it’s the best thing to do.

    I’ve been there and you may be feeling you can continue like this (being friends and in a relationship but not really), but you’ll be hurting yourself and form false expectations if you do. Your emotions and well being are important, don’t put them at risk for a relationship that won’t work.

    Also pro tip: Unfollow or mute her on social media, once you see her again in pictures and stuff it’s gonna be hard

  25. Dating someone for 6 months that wouldn’t commit to you is a red flag. This makes me think that you wanted to date her so badly that you were willing to do it completely on her terms despite your needs not being met. How you avoid this in the future is by holding the women you date to a higher standard. If you want a serious relationship and they don’t, don’t waste six months of your life waiting for them to change. Once you realize the person you are dating has different goals than you, value yourself enough to let them go. Don’t hang on hoping they will come around.

  26. Turn and walk the other way she’s made her mind up and it’s not worth torturing yourself

    Also she wants you in her life as option B….You’re better than that find someone else (and you will)

  27. A friend of mine fell into this trap.

    Completely fell for a girl who got an opportunity to go to LA to study and wanted to break things off so she could meet guys out there.
    But she kept talking to him “I still want to be friends” Etc. And then they’d meet up, drink, maybe make out and then he’d be left hurt.

    He ended up doing shit like picking her up from the airport at 3am, helping her move, taking her out for dinner and taking on her emotional baggage when her dad was ill etc.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, these are things that you DO do for your friends. But the problem was, she was keeping this “maybe we’ll get back together….I don’t know….I just need time” hanging over him. And that isn’t fair.

    The problem was, whilst he was doing all this stuff for her, she wasn’t finding the time to help him out in anyway. It was a very one sided street.

    If she wants the relationship to end, she can’t pick and choose the bits she wants to hold on to. That isn’t fair and it certainly isn’t a friendship.

  28. That’s pretty disrespectful of her to even suggest still “treating her like a girlfriend”. She may be the girl of your dreams but she’s missing a key aspect: she doesn’t love and respect you. Move on, brother, we’ve all been there. Cut her off completely, you’ll bounce back.

  29. That’s pretty disrespectful of her to even suggest still “treating her like a girlfriend”. She may be the girl of your dreams but she’s missing a key aspect: she doesn’t love and respect you. Move on, brother, we’ve all been there. Cut her off completely, you’ll bounce back.

  30. That’s pretty disrespectful of her to even suggest still “treating her like a girlfriend”. She may be the girl of your dreams but she’s missing a key aspect: she doesn’t love and respect you. Move on, brother, we’ve all been there. Cut her off completely, you’ll bounce back.

  31. If she doesn’t see a future with you then she’s not the girl from your dreams, merely a facade.

    Also a healthy mindset to have in dating is never have expectations. Have fun and see where things go.

  32. Been there as well.

    Thought some girl was the love of my life, then we broke because I left US due to my job in Europe.

    Dived into a lot of work and gym.

    Meanwhile, I met other girls too, but I learned from that experience. Now, again, I am with someone who I really like and she likes me too. But AGAIN, I have to move to London soon because job, so we’re going separate ways. I don’t consider her the one, so this is easier to cope with.

    Also, remember. There is always someone else coming. It’s part of life. Become better, improve yourself, give it some time, it will pass.

    We all go through this.

  33. She wants the girlfriend experience, but doesn’t want shit to do with you?

    I think it’s best that you cut her out completely bro beca it sounds like you’re just a backup plan for when things don’t go her way.

  34. The best thing i could suggest is that the relationship is over. You would need two to tango, but if the partner is no longer dancing, then you can’t do it anymore. You also say she wants things to stay the same, but without the caveat of being official….to me it sounds like she wants to be friends with benefits at that point. Now you have a decision to make, since there is no real relationship in a higher standing anymore. Do you continue as you are or do you move on and change the status and ways of doing things? Personally after having been burned before in this way. What i did was treat them as a friend, but when it came down to any bills or outings to pay my own (as some had expected me to do so again after having dumped me), and ultimately you are the most important person in your life, because if you can’t have a good outlook or mindset because you are in ruin….how do you expect to make anyone else happy or safe or whatnot. Focus on yourself, and maybe she might decide either you are being mean to her because it doesn’t feel the same anymore and want to get back together, but when/if that ever happens you have another dilemma to go through but not an outcome to expect to happen. You have to truly decide what YOU are worth in these situations.

  35. She wasn’t the one and there will be others.

    Chin up mate, grieve and move on. You’ll be fine. The FWB route doesn’t sound like your jam, so time to cut her out of your life.

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