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How would you feel if your girlfriend has had ohhh with a lot of men, whilst she was your first and only?

I’m asking this mostly out of my own immaturity and I want to understand how I can change my mindset. My girlfriend is amazing and we have an amazing connection, but I can’t stop thinking about her with all of her previous hook ups

Edit: 8 partners is a lot for me. 6 of them in months

Edit 2: I’m really insecure about this, so I’d appreciate any genuine advice

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30 Comments

  1. My wife was my first at the late age of 27. She didn’t have too many previous partners, about 6 serious relationships and a handful of sexual experiences with others.

    After 6 years of marriage and two kids, I *still* struggle with this. Hell, just last night I woke up from an anxiety dream about this kind of thing.

    You may never get fully over the insecurity, but simply deciding “I don’t want to be that way” is the most important step to help you manage it when it comes up.

    Keep a spotlight on it in your mind; not to use it for justification, but to accuse it of negativity.

    Find yourself not trusting that she’s just “out with the girls”? That would be that insecure asshole trying to sabotage your relationship.

    Think she’s faking her enjoyment or that she’s feeding you bs if she tells you she’s happy with you? Same asshole. Don’t fucking listen.

    That’s pretty much it man. All the best. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

  2. This is me. My wife had 13 partners before me. We got together at 19 and I was a virgin. Yes, I had some retroactive jealousy, but honestly it just motivated me to be a better lover. I know you shouldn’t try to be the “best” or compare and relationships are far more than sex, but hey I must have been shallow.

    I focused on her and learned what made her tick. It took a long time, since I always thought bigger, harder, faster. Yeah, I was young. It eventually I learned to connect, focus, love.

    Now I kinda like the fact she had previous lovers, because she know for a fact I am the best she has ever had and very likely would ever have. Not bragging, but 40 years of focused research will produce results.

    If you love her, go for it. If you don’t, get out and find one you do.

  3. I knew a guy who had a fantastic wife. She put up with *all* his bullshit (and there’s a lot to unpack with this guy) and he was genuinely happy.

    Then he found out how many men there’d been before him.

    He couldn’t put it out of his mind.

    He ruined that marriage. Destroyed it utterly. To the point where she moved to another province.

    He still loved her, but couldn’t get over it.

    10 years later, he’s still talking about ‘i love her man, I’m gonna move to Ontario and get her back and it’s gonna be great’ while she’s actually engaged to someone new.

    Meantime, he’s destroyed every other relationship he’s been in.

    Don’t let it bother man, you could be just fuckin your life up

  4. It doesn’t bother me as long as she isn’t hooking up with anyone else, and she isn’t close to those people anymore. Like my gf I’m sure of has had minimum 15 sexual partners. I’ve had 2 (including her). But we get along super well and our sex life is still great. So her number of hookups doesn’t present a problem.

  5. Youre posting on brisbane about your jealousy because your girlfriend banged other people. I’m gonna level with you, there are people who are gonna say “Dump the slut. Any girl who has sex outside of marriage is a whore.” And other people who say “Youre a mysoginistic pig for feeling jealous you judgemental prick”. Its really your call whether or not she’s right for you. If she is then you’ll know because it doesnt bother you. And if she isn’t then you’ll know because it’ll always bother you. Give it a few months and if you still feel some type of way about it (as in you don’t like it and are questioning if you want to be with her) then do yourselves both a favor and let her go. If you do end things be nice about it. Just say “While I love you and will always cherish our time together, I’m not happy and you deserve to be with someone who is happy to be with you.” Then move on.

  6. I’ve been on both sides.

    As the virgin… it was really hard for me to drop my jealousy about my partners partners. In fact, I don’t think I ever did. I ended up cheating on her… but she ended up cheating on me as well… I caught her however.

    As the one with alot of partners dating a virgin… boy was I in love with her wholeheartedly. She wasn’t ever jealous about it, and that just made me love her more. I would have married that woman if her parents accepted my proposal.

  7. If she did not have experience with other guys. She could go looking if 10 years down the line when married. I got this out of my system and knew my Wife would be my last. 36 years together. I’ve never asked her about her past sexual partners.

  8. It doesn’t matter. If she’s with you now, she’s with you now. She shouldn’t have to feel a certain way about her past. And you shouldn’t have to feel a certain way about her past because, after all, she’s with you now.

  9. You fell in love with your first and you’re wondering if you missed out. Did I settle? Should I have played the field? How do I know this is real love since I have nothing to compare it to? What if this is it for the rest of my life? I want to see other women but would I be throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me?

    If these thoughts are running through your head, then you’re envious of her past. You can’t blame her for living the life you wished you’d had. Your fear of losing her is holding you back from living out your sexual fantasies and instead of owning it, you’re projecting it on her.

    Edit: Come to terms with what you want.

    A. You love her and she’s more important than any regret you’ll have. Put it behind you so you aren’t resentful or else it will destroy the very thing you gave it up for.

    B. Realize that this will forever haunt you if you don’t act on it. Ask your gf for an open relationship or break up and start to dating other people. If you’re gut was right, you’ll meet and fall in love again. If you’re wrong, there’s a chance you’ll be able to go back to your old gf, but that’s the risk you’ll have to take.

  10. As a man…if you could fuck 6 women in 3 months – you’d do it. Does that define who you are? Why should it define her?

    Look at all the shit around the fucking, that’s what you need to pay attention to.

  11. generally.

    experienced guys will say it’s in the past, she choosed you. dont worry about it.

    inexperienced guys will say if it bothers you then break up and find someone new.

    if you think she’s the one then stay. learn to be a better lover. she might try some stuff with her ex before but not with you and thats ok because it might be uncomfortable for her e.g. anal.

    if you have doubts and this kind of jealousy will creep in the future and you see her less then break up. she deserved better. not because you’re a bad person, its just you’re not experienced enough.

  12. There are four schools of thought:

    * It only matters if you let it
    * That was a flag you accepted, therefore you own it
    * Not a virgin = no ring
    * Body count doesn’t matter

    I disagree with the 4th one entirely. To me, that’s nothing but normalization of degeneracy which this site thrives on. It’s ok to have another opinion and blast mine because you live on Tinder, I don’t care, I’m not changing my stance.

    The 3rd one, great idea, good luck with that one though unless you are pretty young. And believe it or not, that could have negative repercussions as well. There is no “perfect” solution since every dynamic is unique. I know people who waited until marriage and then discovered they were incompatible with their spouse, which lead to issues and eventually divorce.

    I’m more of the mindset of A and B. If you truly love someone and know they are a genuinely good person who had a life before you, then leave the past in the past because it lead you to your present.

    With that said, I do believe there is a “reasonable limit” before I would start to question if this person is truly a good character match. A small number of long-term relationships speaks volumes better than a multitude of flings and short relationships. You can’t blame someone for living their life before meeting you, unless it’s excessive and exhibits deep character flaws. As an example, someone who “rode the carousel” and then suddenly wants to “settle down and find a good guy.” Into the trash it goes, sorry, you get no sympathy from me. This is a case by case basis, don’t ask for a formula. Judgement call based on the individual.

    My advice, you might want to talk to her about this. Do not feel bad or insecure, this is very normal in this day and age. If you knew this early on, you accepted and own it. If you just found this out early into the relationship, now is the time to determine if it is acceptable to you. Nobody else can answer that but you. If you do accept it, leave it in the past and focus on the present and future.

  13. I wouldn’t care. (In fact i am in a similar situation and don’t care)

    As long as she doesn’t have any STDs, her sexual history is irrelevant. Fuck that stupid virgin fetish that a lot of society seems to have going on. Sex doesn’t fundamentally change who you are, and neither do previous sexual relationships taint at person in any way.

    Enjoy that she is with you. And enjoy the fact that your sex life is probably better because she is more experienced. As with basically anything else in life, people do get better at sex with experience. Be willing to learn what she teaches you.

  14. I think the easy answers are to get over it, do a great job in bed, go to therapy, she chose you for a reason etc. which are all true but aren’t particularly helpful immediately.

    But at the same time everyone has things that breed resentment and are tough to get over it. It’s similar to the people in the brisbane relationships subbrisbanes who are in love with their partners but resent their weight gain. In addition to all the general healthy mindset advice,

    I’ll add that its not particularly unnatural to have these feelings (happens pretty often when its revealed one partner has way more sexual partners) so hopefully getting rid of any shame involved will help you look at the situation clearer.

    Ultimately the situation itself isn’t going to change in that she’ll still be your first partner – could you see yourself being happy getting married/starting a family with this girl if the feeling is diminished in the back of your mind? I think you also have to be honest with yourself about if you would be able to pursue other relationships and if it bothers you enough to give up a potentially great match.

  15. My husband had lots of partners before me, I wasn’t a virgin by any stretch of the imagination but I had only been with 3 prior long term partners. At first I felt….like I’d be another notch? Or that I couldn’t compare? But we clicked and we both felt love and I honestly don’t give a shit anymore (haven’t for a long time). It was before me and we can talk about anything sexual really openly which makes us even closer.

  16. It’s all a situational thing. If it’s high because she’s been in a lot of relationships that didn’t work out, that reason may be the thing that requires focus, not arbitrary numbers games.

    If it’s high because she was a wild girl and had a lot to get out of her system, it is what it is, honestly. Unless she’s hiding herpes or hepatitis, and was responsible, less of a worry. If she wasn’t, it may bring up some concerns about judgement.

    A lot of people will tell you a lot of things here, but at the end of the day, your standards, preferences and compatibilities are yours. If you don’t think you can get past this, don’t damage this girl trying. Chalk it up as an L and find someone more compatible and less complicated. If you think therapy will help, do it, but understand it may not be the magical cure all either, because it does require effort from you.

    Take time and figure out what you need, then make a logical decision, not one based on emotions or insecurities.

  17. I mean I’m a virgin, so probably not the best source, but personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone with a big sexual history.

    At the end of the day, we all have insecurities and preferences, etc.

    So if this is something you WANT to get over, then some other comments in this thread could probably do a better job at helping you

    But if it’s something you feel like you are SUPPOSED to get over, well then you have to remember that it’s ok to not want to be in a relationship you are uncomfortable in.

    Whether you decide this is something you want to get over or something that is a dealbreaker for you, either choice is ok. You don’t owe anyone a relationship

    Whichever choice you decide, you are not doing a bad thing. You are just taking control of YOUR dating life, and you have every right to

  18. I was like this when I was younger but as I had more sexual experiences of my own it kind of faded.

    Honestly, I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy regarding past sexual encounters. If its in the past then how about we leave it there.

  19. 100% depends on ur preference.

    If u feel insecure about this have a serious talk about this with her as it will grow to be a problem in the future.

    If you truly can’t accept it is better to save urself a lot of headaches and a lot of issues for her and end the relationship early and find someone else who closely matches ur preferences.

    It is ok to have preference.

    Though I don’t like it, it is ok to sleep with as much people you want if u r not hurting anyone as it is just ok to not accept such a person.

  20. I would be thankful that she trusted me enough to share that information. I would not judge her on it.
    I would be thankful that she is with me. I would think of the present and look to the future.

    As a guy with more partners than I ever wanted, I can tell you that eventually you forget your past partners. You forget what the sex was like. You even begin to forget the names.

  21. The problem is that I don’t even consider this being immaturity. You’re saying that because for some reason people are trying to force everyone to accept their lifestyles. You don’t have to. If it makes you uncomfortable then that’s okay. Just decide what you want to do. If you don’t want to be with her because of that, it’s your choice and no one can blame you for it.

    Someone will say, that’s her business and has nothing to do with the current relationship. Well it certainly does. It has to do with her personality and her life choices. She chose to sleep with 8 different guys within months. Is that okay with you? If it is, then try not to worry about it. If it isn’t then figure out what you want to do. This is partly your relationship as well

  22. It wouldn’t bother me at all about her past. That said, I don’t think I would be able to help being a little apprehensive at first just because your past is the only real way of guessing how things might go in future. Especially if you’re saying that she’s had 6 partners within the space of months. If it were a resumé for a job, that would not look good.

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