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How to deal with friends death?

He was 22. What should I do. Should I call anybody, wait for funeral?

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12 Comments

  1. Send your regards to his family. My best friend passed away and I drove 6 hours just to give his mother, father, and siblings flowers, dinner, and stayed to talk with them.

  2. I see death as a celebration of the life they had, the connections they made changed the world even if it was in a small way. It made a big impact on those they knew

  3. Totally call around. Check in with Friends and his family. Let them know that their son/brother had more connections than they realize. And like u/Manypotatoes9 said, use it as a celebration of life and get together with your friends. Share some good times, and provide support his family.

  4. While words or flowers may seem like a trite gesture in a time of such tremendous loss, they matter more than you’d think. Reach out to their family whichever way feels right to you.

  5. Holy shit, this morning?! That’s awful, I’m so sorry to hear.

    While I think the advice in some of the other posts can help _in the mid-to-long-term_, Jesus Christ his body is hardly even cold yet, what you need to do now is (1) process this extremely sudden and unexpected loss and (2) grieve with friends and family.

    22 is way too young. You both deserved many many decades of friendship. This is a tragedy that _just happened_, if there’s any time for irrationality and shock it’s right now!

    I lost my dad similarly unexpectedly/suddenly about a year and a half ago (sudden and uncommon heart condition). First day I spoke to family and directly to a couple friends, had messaged other folks to let them know that happened. Then a few more the next day. Neighbours came over, previous neighbours as well. We were reeling for weeks. Didn’t help that it was a few weeks before Christmas, made organising the funeral way harder.

    Writing things down has helped me process things a lot over the years, before and after that. Reaching out to friends and his family can help you all in the grief process.

    Beyond what I’ve already said, actionable points are:
    1. You’ve got to look out for yourself. This is not an everyday experience. It is okay to not be okay. You are not alone. There are people around you who care for you, let them help you. You don’t have to do this alone. If nothing else do this, because the one thing you can guarantee is your own presence.
    2. Look out for his family. Don’t just say “I’m here whenever”, because although it is coming from a good place, that’s too broad and they’ve got too much else to deal with. Offer specific things (like going to pick up groceries if they give you a list, or depending on covid guidance in your area offer to do chores around the house), or bring over meals and things like that. Offer to check in on them regularly – I imagine they’ll want to hear from you and your friends, but be ok they say no, they’re hurting really badly right now.
    3. Look out for your friends. You’re all gonna be going through this together. The thing I realised with my dad’s passing is that everyone he leaves with had their own unique relationship. Annoying yet mature younger brother, funny big brother, eldest son, father, husband, best friend, close coworker, mentor, commuting buddy, neighbour. It is tragic that your friend was denied the opportunity to develop so many of those kinds of relationships, all with something that happened HOURS AGO. So talk to your friends, all those who knew him, find out more about who he was to them, and maybe together you’ll all get through this.

    Final thing I will say is this: grief takes time, it comes in waves, and is different for everybody. You have ZERO obligation to act any particular way at any particular time (funeral notwithstanding). Some people may try and project their own feelings onto you, imply that you’re grieving the wrong way. But you aren’t. You’re doing what you can, you’re doing your best. For your sake and his sake, take care of yourself. Send me a DM if you want to talk. But honestly, you just gotta grieve right now. Other things can wait.

  6. You need to talk to people. Absolutely call someone. If you can get professional grief counselling, do it. Talk now and keep talking.

    My friend passed away when he was 17 and i was 18. Suicide. We didn’t talk much among us friends. We didn’t get any help. It fucked a bunch of us up for years and it could have been avoided had we talked to each other and had we gotten help. Grief is horrible but it can be handled in a good way or badly.

    You deserve to help yourself. You’re worth it and other people will understand if you need to talk. Not everyone, but there will be people who can listen.

  7. I am so sorry for your loss.

    If you feel up for it I would like to hear a good story of yours about him.

    If you dont feel up to it that is also fine. Best thing you can do is share your loss with those that knew him.

    Remember that you are griefing to.

    If you feel like you can help, help.
    If not that is also fine. Just take a moment to take everything in.

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss. The death of someone you care for is never an easy thing to deal with. When I lost my cousin we started to do things in memory of him in his birthday. We take some of his friends and family to dinner at his favorite restaurant, we would do things he liked to do, and we would do some service. I know it helped me feel much better about losing him, and seeing other people’s faces when we would help them unexpectedly is amazing.

  9. Go to the funeral, get a tattoo or something, sad thing is I’ve forgotten which friends I’ve got tattoos for, unless they were like a brother or sister, don’t dwell on it, be respectful, keep their memory, but death is just a part of life, more people will pass over the years.

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