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How irrational is it to completely swear off of committed relationships forever?

Basically if someone gets cheated on and to avoid getting cheated on ever again, avoid committed relationships entirely is it irrational?

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50 Comments

  1. Nothing wrong with not actively looking for a relationship if you don’t want one, but blaming all future potential partners for the faults of an ex is irrational.

  2. After couple of really bad ones its totally normal to just become a Buddhist monk, because relationships are even barley worth it if you get lucky and manage to avoid the worst ones.

    So as soon as travel restrictions are lifted, buy yourself a ticket to Tibet and enjoy the rest of your life in peace and quiet.

  3. Well it’s completely logical to say that you can’t be cheated on or hurt in a relationship if you never enter a relationship to begin with. The question you have to ask yourself is do the risks outweigh the rewards? Sure, you won’t have to deal with the fear of getting your heart broken, but you’ll also never get to feel the happiness of sharing love with a partner. Sounds to me like you’re looking at a pretty fresh set of wounds. Maybe take a little time to heal up and reflect, but I generally wouldn’t recommend swearing off relationships in perpetuity. You never know, the next one might just be the right one, but you have to be willing to give it a shot. 👍🏻

  4. A more rational response would be to seek out a better partner. Evaluate the past relationship and see if there’s anything to learn from it so you don’t repeat the same mistakes going forward. Idk, seems kinda irrational. Like falling off a bicycle once and then refusing to ever ride again. Instead of learning what went wrong and trying again.

    But it’s your life so do what you want. Just be upfront with your partners.

  5. In the end of the day if it makes you unhappy, dont close that door. Let someone in but slowly.

    As cliche as it sounds, someone will come and take away all those thoughts.

    Someone’s fault doesnt make it another’s.

  6. Much more productive to learn why you are attracted to (and pick) the type of people who cheat vs blame “relationships” for cheating

    Many people who cheat simply do not value loyalty and commitment; focus on seeking out relationships with people who value loyalty / commitment. Also, ask someone their relationship history and see if they have cheated in the past. If they did, they will probably do it again

  7. Yes, it’s completely irrational and also completely immature. That’s like a person who eats at a Chinese restaurant and when it turns out the food is bad and the waiter is rude, they run out of the restaurant and scream: “THAT’S IT!!! I’LL NEVER HAVE CHINESE FOOD EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE!!!! AND I’LL NEVER TALK TO A CHINESE PERSON EVER AGAIN!!!! IT’S ALL A SCAM!!!!” In other words, it’s the reaction of a 5-year old.

  8. This is called avoidance. It comes from the fear of being hurt again cause the hurt was so bad last time that the fear of it happening again is outweighing the drive to go after another relationship. When I hear people say they absolutely don’t want to date at all – what I am normally hearing underneath is “I don’t want to get hurt again” coupled with “I don’t know how to move forward even if I really wanto have a relationship cause even thinking about it is too painful.”

    That is very normal after asomething has gone terrible. But those feelings will remain just as intense forever and even thinking of having a relationship will start to feel worse and worse, if you don’t face it. You got burnt. You’ve taken some time to yourself. Now you may want to try again but the fear is too much. This is where short term counseling comes in so that you can move past that block and you can also learn what red flags you did not see last time and what to do with all those feelings.

    People can get through this – it’s painful. but most people I know who are in very successful marriages, are folks who had terrible things happen in previous relationships that they learned from.

  9. Swearing them off forever is irrational. Not everybody cheats, not everybody is the same, cheating isn’t the end of the world even though it seems like it at the time.

    It’s perfectly rational to not want a relationship again right after being cheated on, and not getting into a new one, and taking longer to develop trust with new people.

  10. Humans are social beings and we depend on others for survival and for support, literally and figuratively. Now this isn’t a weakness but the way we are setup. Can you be a hermit and live off the grid? Absolutely but there would be massive tradeoffs to commit to that lifestyle.

    ​

    I was in this same headspace a few years back under similar circumstances. What would probably be more healthy is to acknowledge that heartbreak is a normal experience for the majority of the people and learning how to bounce back is also part of that process. If you never enter into another relationship then, yes, you eliminate the possibility of ever being cheated on, but that also means you miss out of the some of the best moments life has to offer: a deep and trusting connection to another, the starting steps of building a family, the having someone you can create shared experiences with, etc. To swear off committed relationships is analogous to never using fire to cook again because you’ve been burned while cooking and now decided to rely of microwave meals the rest of your life. To me, I would consider that a miserable way of existing.

  11. I don’t think it’s irrational, but it does sound unrealistic. There’s always the chance you’ll meet *that* person and change your mind, and to potentially miss out on that because you “swore off” committed relationships is silly.

    That being said, as I guy in my mid 40s, I do have the idea in my head that if my current LTR (7 years) was to end for some reason, I would not go looking for another relationship, at least not for a long time. I’ve rarely had more than a year or so between LTRs, so I think that if I find myself single again, I will want to enjoy being single for a lot longer. If I meet someone along the way, whether it’s six months later or six years later, I’ll deal with it when it comes, but I’m not going to force myself to be single because I haven’t reached an arbitrary number of years without a relationship.

  12. I don’t think so. It’s possible to be asexual or aromantic. But more times than not these feelings are the result of past experiences, not future wishes, and will change to be more hopeful once you’re over whoever hurt you and you see not everyone plays by their crummy rules.

  13. Yep. Not much more fulfilling than relationships, which is why they also lead to so much suffering. I’ve had 2 serious girlfriends, both cheated. Shit happens – don’t take it personally, don’t lose yourself in the baggage.

  14. There are an ever-increasing cohort of men who, typically after some pretty nasty and damaging experiences, decide to do exactly that. They go their own way, and invariably choose to end all emotional/romantic/sexual entanglements with women, on the premise that it is an overwhelmingly net-negative outcome for them; that to them, the juice is no longer worth the squeeze.

    The strange thing is, they tend to get shamed and verbally attacked by other men. Why, I have absolutely no fucking clue, because by taking themselves out of the dating scene they automatically give these other men less competition to go up against. That these remaining men end up with a more “target rich” environment to work from. It should be a win-win scenario for both groups of men, but for some inscrutable and mysterious reason, those guys who are continuing to engage with women become highly offended and upset at these other men dropping out to go their own way.

    The only thing I have been able to come up with, is those men doing the shaming and attacking are somehow _closet jealous_ at the ability that these other men have to turn their backs on societal expectations to take true control of their own lives.

  15. You shouldn’t feel obligated to have a relationship like that with someone. It’s honestly not for everyone and you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to just because society portrays it as one of your lifetime goals. If you find yourself in a situation where you are fond if someone and you change your mind, cool, good for you. But you aren’t obligated to be searching for someone if you don’t want to.

  16. There is nothing wrong with not wanting commitment. I personally don’t care for it. Too much effort. But Being that way out of fear of getting hurt is definitely irrational.

  17. Relationships aren’t really a realm of rationality anyway. Follow your heart. But getting cheated on is a traumatic experience and so your brain will develop defenses to future trauma. Itll take some work to feel safe and secure in a relationship again. As others have said, there are people out there who are understanding of that issue and able to adapt their behavior to make you feel safe and secure

  18. Maybe don’t limit yourself to forever. Swear off relationships for now. Work on you, enjoy your thing, don’t bother looking for a relationship.

    I did this after being cheated on. This is also how I met my wife. 18 years still married.

  19. Yes.

    You can take a break and do some selfwork/love before ya get back out there.

    Or you can take my way of doing things.

    Oh wait a minute, I’m getting laid. Nice.

    Well that was fun now to go bowling.

  20. Very. Particularly for the reason you described.

    You can _feel_ like you’re being cheated on even without actually being in a “committed relationship”.

    All you get by swearing off committed relationships is that the next time someone cheats on you, they’ll be able to say “technically, I didn’t”, and be right. It gains _you_ nothing.

  21. Not irrational. However…

    After a shitty breakup last January, I did the same thing. Here I am 11 months later in love with the woman of my dreams.

    Sometimes the most unexpected things happen at the most unexpected times. I don’t expect to break up with her, but it could happen. Either way, she’s worth the risk. I got lucky, I hope the same fortune comes your way.

  22. Pretty damn irrational, but…we’re all allowed our irrational moments, especially because some of your comments in this thread show you’re hurting.

    Take the time to hurt, to grieve for what you lost. Don’t worry about relationships or dating for a while and worry more about taking care of yourself. And if you should happen to do some soul searching the process, that can’t hurt either.

    Being single for a time (months, or even years) can be really good for the perspective, and the heart.

    Hope you feel better soon dude, it can be rough out there.

  23. There are lots of people who are faithful and loyal and won’t screw you. Yes there lying cheating douchebags, but there are many who won’t.

    I understand that you’re hurting. But you shouldn’t cut yourself off from a basic human need.

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