Street

How do you stop yourself from planning a future with someone?

I have this annoying and harmful habit of, whenever I have some sort of romantic connection with someone, regardless of the seriousness of that connection, my mind runs rampant and starts planning out everything. I plan out future dates, future events in our lives, etc. when nothing substantive has happened between me and the girl I’m currently interested in. Anyone have the same issue and have tips to avoid it? I am not sure if it’s just me that does this or what it says about me, but I really would like any and all advice.

View Reddit by sammyt21View Source

Tags

city guide

The publication focuses on fashion, style, and culture for men, though articles on food, movies, fitness, sex, music, travel, sports, technology, and books are also featured

45 Comments

  1. Woman do this too. And there’s nothing wrong with it, but then again I consider myself a hopeless romantic. I’d like to think that everyone has the potential to be “the one” and we tend to get excited and lost in the idea of having that intense feeling with dating/seeing someone casually.

    Ultimately though, you’re gonna have to come back to reality and like others have said don’t try to put all your eggs in a basket to force a situation or relationship out of something. Not until ya’ll have the talk or actually hint on acknowledging feelings for each other should you be considering any future with her.

  2. Slow down, remind yourself that you’re being silly and that’s she’s probably talking to a half dozen other guys besides you 🤣

    Just enjoy the moment you have with her. If it turns into something more then great but you’ll drive yourself crazy planning a future with someone that’s no where near that level with you yet.

  3. I do this and I don’t see it as a problem because I want to ultimately get married and be monogamous. By “planning future events” do you mean actually thinking of wedding themes, how many dogs and children, what color house, or pondering to yourself if she’s the right one?

    If it’s the former then yeah that’s too much. Do not tell her and probably don’t ever tell her even if it’s 4 years from now and you say “when we first started talking I was thinking of what my groomsmen are going to wear at our wedding.”

    If it’s the latter then you probably should be thinking that.

  4. It’s ok and pretty normal to have these thoughts. As long as it’s innocent enough/not impacting your actions now it’s fine. I tend to do this as well and it was one of the reasons I sought out therapy. My above advice is what they told me. It helped me relax and see it for what it was – just a fantasy.

  5. I have or had the same issue of idealising and romanticising girls before I know anything substantial about them.Haven’t done that since I started talking to more girls through online dating apps and stuff.

    This habit has destroyed so many chances I had with girls as I would romanticise them and live in a fantasy world with her in my head being my ideal partner rather than living with her in the real world.

    I still do that sometimes. I don’t know man what to say apart from you are not alone. I think it comes from being less exposed to girls in development years and not being able to express your emotions in a fruitful way. Maybe we know she is not perfect in the real world and are not ready to accept that.

    I think it’s best to remember that women are just like men in a lot of ways and not the perfect creatures we see in some movies and stuff.
    I think you get better as you date more. Stay strong 😊

  6. Omg that’s literally me. That describes me perfectly. I have a bad habit of fantasizing abt girls who I like, but aren’t my girlfriend yet. Then my feelings intensify and the rejection is painful.

  7. You can still dream! Just don’t spend the cash until you have it locked in and she shares your dream. Your dream may not be her dream, and you have to not force that.

  8. To try and wrangle in thoughts is difficult. It takes time, but is very doable.

    The first step is not to judge yourself for having them. Criticism of ourself can often turn into negative judgement, which isn’t productive and can lead to worse places.

    The second is recognition of the thoughts while they are happening. Entertainment of them is ok at this point, let them happen, it’s just the constant recognition of “oh, I’m thinking this about this person in this way,” that needs to happen here.

    The third is when you recognize that you’re thinking about it, ask yourself if there is any deeper reason why you are thinking that way, most of the times there is. Don’t be afraid to confront what’s inside yourself to yourself, and remember not to judge yourself for what you think.

    The fourth is whenever you’re having thoughts about those people, to recognize the reason behind them. That reason is why you’re thinking that way, not what is on the surface.

    The fifth is the solution of the issues found in step three and four, this tends to be issues that happen in real life and things that are the root cause of what our original thoughts were.

    This is a way to get a handle on intrusive thoughts, whatever they may be, in your case fantasizing about futures with people. Intrusive thoughts suck, and I totally understand where you’re coming from in wanting them gone. This is a method that very much helped me, and I hope that this is applicable to you as well!

  9. Female here, I do it too and I always feel like I’m jumping myself by thinking about it. I try to tone it down but then they get in my dreams. I don’t know how to stop it haha, eventually everything you visualize with someone will become reality 🙂

  10. Do something else to take your mind off it. Also realizing your life could completely change tomorrow and nobody’s has anyyy clue what the future holds will help. (almost) Nobody saw corona coming, there’s an example. You could die tomorrow so you have to live for today

  11. I’m guessing that you fantasize all of this out and you create a false connection to the person that you are interested in. She never said or did any of those things that she did in your imagination. You’ve mentally advanced your relationship beyond where they actually are, which will ultimately creep the person you are dating out.

  12. This has definitely happened to me especially when I really like a girl. I’ve wanted to stop it because my superstitious self tells me I’m jinxing a potential relationship. Yeah, I don’t get it either

  13. I don’t think it’s an issue. It’s only an issue if it interferes in your relationship with her. I mean i can think almost anything i want to a certain degree as long as i don’t let it control my actions or thoughts. It might also incite you to give your all rather than half ass it.

  14. It’s called temporal forecasting. It’s a real strength to have. We are hardwired for connection with others, it would seem you have a strong habit / style of making plans on top of plans and now you recognize you do it too much. It’s how you relate to others and internalize your partners. How would you rather be? How does this negatively effect you?

  15. Why are there so many questions on this sub predicated on the notion that you can’t control your own mind? It’s YOUR mind. Part of being a human is learning to control it.

  16. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket until you know somebody relatively well.

    In the early stages of seeing someone, entertain the possibility of romance with multiple people, or, keep yourself busy with other things so that you don’t become invested in something too early.

  17. Well depends are you talking, together or mutually working to head towards somewhere. My mantra is nothing is permanent, and everything is about enjoying the moment and living on facts.

  18. ah hell, i deal with that all the time.

    i’ve noticed one thing that creates a fatal flaw in these daydreamed lives of peace, love, and happiness.

    i’m in it. none of that is possible and no one is that fucking retarded to want any of that with me

  19. Oh I’ve got this one. It’s super simple if you follow these steps:

    1. Have an abusive childhood

    2. Problem solved. Now the thought of bonding with anyone is both foreign and anxiety inducing.

    Hope this helps 🙂

  20. Especially if I just met the other person, I remind myself that I don’t actually know them well enough to know what their flaws or values are and if we would even be compatible.

    There’s no harm in fantasizing sometimes, but a lot of the times the person you “plan a future” with in your head is just a figment of your imagination. You can’t know what the future is going to be like with someone until you really spend time getting to know someone.

  21. I have the same thing. While I consider myself a hopeless romantic, there’s a line where these daydreams can trick you into stronger feelings, and uneven attachment, and can result in the idealization of someone which creates an uneven power balance. It can be intoxicating to live in a fantasy world but exercise caution, I have gone down a deep rabbit hole before for someone that didn’t see any future with me. I knew it pretty much the whole time and lived in a fantasy world for almost a year. wrote it all down, because my friends got tired of hearing about him. I suggest that method because when you reread what you have written you will be able to see it with an outsiders perspective, which can help you determine whether or not what you’re doing is excessive. Whenever I start to get too ahead of myself I like to read this journal from that time of my life and think damn I definitely shouldn’t be considering in great detail and basically writing fanfiction about someone that I hardly know. Codependency can be a bitch. If you find yourself in love with someone regardless of their feeling and choose to revel in it, you’re only hurting yourself. Fortunately that experience let me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out the question that you just asked, OP. I suggest looking into your attachment styles, because the way we love mirrors what we saw in early development. It also allows us to understand how others show love . After researching this I was able to identity abuse that I had never realized was abuse in childhood the more I researched, found subreddits, and self therapied my way to a diagnosis “. I have in just a year a greater understanding of self, better ability to communicate my needs and boundaries, and the ability to better filter out narcissists and fuckboys. Its hard out here being a hopeless romantic! Google sex and love addicts anonymous if you feel you are being too obsessive, it’s another great resource. I also suggest following the instagram @createthelove

  22. I have this issue too. It’s been problematic because you expect people to treat you the same way you treat and think of them. The real gold is when you also find someone who thinks the same way as you 🙂

  23. I do this too dont worry. It’s pretty normal (at least I hope haha). Just don’t let it get tooo out of hand, like make sure you don’t get your hopes up, or else you will only become disappointed when something doesn’t work out.

  24. It’s ok to do this a little bit. But it’s gotta come in doses. Best strategy is to just enjoy the next thing you do. Focus on that experience. As the relationship grows you’ll have time to plan the future. Don’t rush it or you don’t spend any time enjoying life.

  25. I’m a woman who does that, and what I do is make steps. So like 1. The talks 2. The dates 3. Early Relationship things…. So when I’m at step 2 and I think about making him a coffee every morning. I stop myself, say wow I’m at step 2, chill I first need to see if we match and if there are red flags right now. I do think 1 step ahead though.

    Found a really great person 1,5 year ago. We talk about the flags that we see. I feel that by doing this, that I m living more in the present with an actual person rather than the future dream version I had before.

  26. Embrace it. Stop telling yourself to stop. This is only a problem if your SO doesnt feel the same way. Also if you’re moving too fast, but you are sure you see a future with that person then, why is it a problem?

  27. I havent seen this mentioned yet, but think ahead in terms of how long you have been together. For example if you just got together a month ago, you can plan stuff for the coming next month, dont think of things for 2 years in the future. You can think about two years in the future when youve been together for 2 years. Ofc this is not as black/white as I have mentioned but it helps to ground yourself a littke
    As has been mentioned before, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to think of the future but it can come across as too much and this kind of thinking has helped me set more realistic expectations

  28. You’re viewing the entire thing through rose tinted glasses. You subconsciously put the girl on a pedestal which causes you create an ideal version of her instead of the real thing. That only leads to disappointment.

    Want to stop doing this? Kill your Idols

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top button
Skip to toolbar