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How do you navigate hookups when coming out of a long-term relationship?

hey guys, deeper question here

I recently got out of a two-year relationship with a girl I loved very much. We weren’t working out for a variety of reasons that arose later in our relationship — we couldn’t have ohhh because of an unfortunate health condition she developed, insecurities compounded, and there was a lot of emotional therapy between us (important context). Our separation was for the best, and I have been making my peace with it.

Recently, I’ve been getting into my “hot guy summer/fall” and wanting to be a hoe and hook up with people and my friends. I’m struggling a bit, though, to define boundaries of emotional support. Of course — I make it clear that I don’t want a relationship, but what’s the limit on providing emotional support to an FWB? It makes me feel all therapist-y and relationship-y again. Do you all worry about coming off as apathetic or relationship-y? What is too much support for a FWB? Too little support?

I’m trying to figure out how men best navigate hookups after getting out of a long-term relationship. Any and all advice is appreciated.

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  1. This reads to me that you are sad about your break up and want to use women for sex with minimal emotional support to help cope. And I personally don’t find that to be an honorable thing to aim at. Just my opinion. I don’t think a wise person actively learns how to detach sex from intimacy.

  2. In my experience, a FWB situation or a hookup is better done with somebody you don’t really know unless you’re open to it developing more. A friend will have the emotional connection of already knowing you as a friend. A hookup will booty call you on a Thursday night because they’re bored.

  3. A FWB and a hookup are two really different things in my mind. The F in FWB is friend, so a friend who you sometimes have sex with. I think you could lean on that person like you might any other friend if you’re going through a hard time. It could get complicated if you start to get more attached than you intend

  4. Set clear and direct boundaries. Talk about what happens if one of you catches “the feels”. Discuss if either of you are staying over after the deed, or if it’s just fucking and going home. Hash out the details, express what you’re looking, what you’re comfortable with and so on.

  5. Walk away from rebounds fast and heartlessly.
    Be clear that you do not want anything long-term for a while.
    If they don’t want to continue then you know that you provided the correct information to them.

  6. I think you’re overthinking it.

    I would always say that I’m looking for a relationship, because hey, if my dick is in her mouth we do have some sort of a relationship. It might be superficial and not last longer than a day, but there is definitely something.

    From that perspective I also don’t mind any sort of conversation with anyone, if I’m bored and don’t want to do it anymore – I’ll bail, but what’s the point of drawing some lines in the sand and obsessing about whether it’s “relationship-y” or not?

    Talk to people, have a good time, she does not become entitled to something just because you let her “cross the line”. Like I’ll literally cuddle with a girl and watch romcom on the first date while I replace a lightbulb for her or allow her to play wifey in the morning, make me breakfast and talk about her mother if that’s what she’s into, I can still take off at any time.

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