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How do you deal with not being invited to a close friend getaway trip?

There’s five couples and we hangout virtually every weekend because of covid. One of them called me up yesterday asking how to open a package of weed I dropped off weeks ago and I found out they were all hanging out at a lake house rental for the week without me and my wife. They all know time and money wouldn’t have been an issue and to rub salt into the wound, one them posted on Facebook what an amazing time it was with a photo of them all wearing specific funny tshirts that a month ago I suggested we all wear for fun once we could hang together in person (they liked the shirt I designed so I suggested we all do the same). Clearly they planned this for a while but kept us in the dark.

It feels awful and I don’t know what to think. Is it silly to feel upset about this or am I justified in feeling a bit used and unwanted?

Edited to add: Whoa, this blew up. A few things – the weed thing just started recently and everyone in the group has kids/babies and brought them on the trip. I will be asking straight up what happened to the one who organized it.

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50 Comments

  1. Honestly I don’t know how close you guys are or the type of relationship you have. If this was me with my friends, any one of us would easily be able to bring it up without it being weird. Just be straight up and ask one of them, maybe the one your closest to, how come you weren’t invited. There’s nothing silly about what you’re saying. You consider them to be good friends, and now you’re wondering wether you are to them too. Clear it up, and then make the decision to either cut them off or maybe they’ll see that they upset you and might try to make it up to you. Maybe they have a valid reason for not inviting you. Don’t jump to conclusions just because people on the internet that you don’t even know are telling you that these people are not your friends. They don’t know you, or your relationship to them, or what they are even like. If you made a mistake and ended up hurting a friend unintentionally, wouldn’t it suck to just be cut off without the chance to explain yourself? This will only work if you actually bring it up, ask them why they didn’t invite you. It doesn’t have to be something uncomfortable, just be real and honest with them. And then decide.

  2. I was this guy in high school. My group would regularly have lan parties on the weekends and play tribes or some other garbage, not invite me, and then talk about it at lunch Monday through Friday. When I realized I didn’t have anything to talk about with them, because it revolved around the lan parties on the weekends, I found a new social group… at a certain point it just wasn’t worth my time to be friends with them since it was obvious they didn’t give two shits about me… so…

    I’d say this was one time, so maybe call them out on it.. it could have been one of them that dropped the ball and was supposed to tell you about the trip.. or it could have been them trying to be polite, maybe there wasn’t enough room at the cabin for 10 people. I would say I know it sucks to be not included, but don’t assume malice where there may not be any.

  3. Talk to them, see if you can get a straight answer.

    Maybe you aren’t as liked as you think or maybe there’s another unknown reason? People are always way to awkward to say like “Hey Jim smells bad, I don’t wanna share a house with him for a week. Or you know how he goes off ranting about things, he smokes way too much, he doesn’t know when to call it quits with the beers” I don’t wanna spend this entire trip high” etc”

    Or just the couple who thought of going away doesn’t like you two for whatever reason. My guess, it’s one couple, probably the one who initiated the “let’s go away” thing. But none of the rest stood up for you two so that sucks.

    Are you actually friends with all of them? Or close to just one couple?

    You mentioned weed, everyone is friendly with their weed dealer doesn’t mean they wanna take you on a vacation with them even if you do have drinks.

    ALSO- One quick look and ALL your posts seem to be about politics, maybe they are tired of hearing about it if that’s something you bring up frequently. Or again, you offended the main couple by being pro _ or anti _

    ​

    Or they could be secretly having a massive orgy.

  4. It’s just nasty, if people don’t want you around that’s one thing, but to sneak around and even lie to you about it as just infuriating.

    You shouldn’t feel silly about this, they’ve been very rude to you, and you should ask and demand an answer for why you were being treated like this.

  5. Without knowing you dynamics.. best ask and then decide.

    Happened to me before and the only way I knew was when one of them knocked on my door at 7 to ask me to followed him to drop off the rental car they all got for their getaway..

    Only realised that when I was dropping him home.

    There are just some people you are better off not being friends with..

  6. I’ve learned to conduct a little experiment when social relationships begin to feel one-sided. You have to consciously stop being the initiator and watch who reaches out to you (and sometimes why). I’ve only done it a couple of times in my life. You find out who cares about a relationship, and who cares about what they get from you.

  7. If they are friends, than you have a justified reason to express your annoyance. How you express this is dependent on what and how you communicate regularly. Whether its just being soft spoken and honest when it comes up or you blurt it out how rude it was to exclude you. They may feel bad and like good friends should, try to make things right. Give them a chance to fix it.

  8. This happened to me a few years ago. People I considered my best mates through high school all made a camping trip for a weekend that had them, their girlfriends and my girlfriend at the time along with a few others. I saw a message on my girlfriends phone pop up and asked her about it and she said that the guys made the group and she didn’t want to tell me about it.

    These were guys that I went to schoolies with (week long trip after school finishes in Aus) and I did most of the planning for that trip. I pretty much never hung out with them again and haven’t looked back since. It was easier considering I was only 18 and had plenty of time to make friends at uni and other places. Hurt like hell though being left out like that but glad I didn’t try hang onto those friendships

  9. You definitely should not feel silly to be upset at this. When stuff like this happens to me, I just think positively and am glad that it happened now so I can move on. Of course it is hard, you won’t be able to just forget, but you have to realize you were being used, they have no right not inviting you if you guys hangout all the time and they were wearing a tshirt you suggested! They are not friends.

  10. “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them” is truth from Maya Angelou.

    I don’t disagree with asking why, per se, but I’d be asking myself what answer they’re looking for to justify being excluded.

    I think you ask to force the issue, but accept that the exclusion wasn’t an accident and accept the painful truth that they’re not your friends, they’re nothing more than casual acquaintances. Or, customers, I guess.

  11. I acknowledge that all that sucks but all I really have to say wearing matching tshirts is awful. Okay seriously tho, if you’re the weed man obviously everyone’s saying “you’re not their friend to begin with blah blah blah” I would ask yourself if you were friends with these people before you started selling/helping them get weed or if you just met them through that. If you were friends before, ask them why y’all weren’t invited. If not, start charging them more and look for better friends. Your emotions are justified either way. Sorry that happened to you man.

  12. My “friends” have done this to me as well. I invite those guys to drink at my house every week and I thought they were really good buddies of mine. I logged onto Facebook one day of a mutual friend and I see dozens of pictures of those two guys at a girls house with 10 other people playing board games, then going out to a bday dinner, then bowling…. I would’ve wanted to go.

    To make things worse, I’ve always struggled with making new friends. I was shy for most of my life. I’ve been dying to make more friends and those guys know I would love to hang out with their other friends but they don’t invite me. When I invite them to hang out, I’ve tried to introduce them to the few other friends I have but they don’t do the same for me.

    It’s been a learning experience. I was pretty hurt when I saw all the pictures
    but now I just feel like fuck them, I’m going to make new friends and they’re going be better friends than those guys. So use what you’ve learned about your friends to evaluate your relationships with them and use it as motivation to meet new and better friends.

  13. Dont worry about it, drop all contact make new freinds, long term these guys will use you until they cant anymore. Btw if they’re smoking weed you brought weeks ago,asking you to help open it, and using your shirt idea, they’re actually openly slapping you in the face.

  14. I have these lan get together 2-3 rimes a year I invite 2 friends out of the 5 guys in the group. We smoke some and have a blast. I dont want the other guys cus Im not close enough to them to let them raid my cooler. Also one is a total narc he tells his gf all and she tells all our gf. (Mine knows and leaves us alone). Is someone a total narc near you?

  15. Gonna echo what I see for reinforcement. Maybe time to reevaluate who these friends are, to your wife and yourself. However, I’d put him on the spot over the phone and ask why you weren’t invited. See if there is a valid reason. If there isn’t, then you know where you stand. But it seems the shirt thing could have been spiteful, but I could be reading into it.

  16. Honestly dude they sound like total losers. Even stole your tshirt idea those worthless unoriginal hacks. I hope they at least pay you for the weed. It’s up to you if you want to ask those weasels why they went behind your back like that and planned a trip, gladly taking your drugs and made no mention of it. If it were me I’d be taking large dumps in paper bags and lighting it on fire at their doorstep. Ding dong motherfuckers your weed’s here!

  17. I thought I was quite tight with a few friends who I’d known for about 15 years. Knew in person, used to work together. Went to each other’s weddings etc.

    I realised they were constantly organising stuff to do together excluding me, including just online stuff like playing games together. It hurt, but rather than just blow it up I just removed myself from the situation so it would stop winding me up. Left the group chat etc as It was obvious to most of them I was just tolerated as being part of the group.

    When I left, out of that group only one person made an effort to reach out and continue to speak to me and continue to this day, who is a great friend. The others honestly I don’t miss being wound up by them being friendly one minute and excluding me the next, so it’s a really cool situation now I just stay in touch with the one dude who’s actually a good friend.

    You don’t have to put up with being dicked around like that. Either remove yourself from the situation or find out who of those are actually your friends and just spend your time and energy on them.

  18. Seems you guys must be disliked by most of the group members for some reason, i know its blunt but its the truth. Similar stuff used to happen to me, when i was dating my ex we had a huge friend circle and would always hang out, as soon as we broke up i wasnt allowed t hang out with any of them, they didnt invite me anywhere etc.. turns out one of my exes friend hated me secretly but i didnt know until after the breakup, and cause of this i wasnt invited anywhere and lost the whole friend group.

    So long story short, find out what you guys did or do wrong, and try to improve on it

  19. What you need to do is try and look at the situation in an objective way. When you are feeling sad or depressed about a situation, you tend to overlook a lot of details, and focus on the on ones that confirm your belief. Those are called automatic thoughts. For example, you talk about them rubbing salt in the wound with a Facebook photo. That was something you immediately noticed and confirmed to your negative belief about the situation. I’m not saying you’re wrong, and I would be upset in your situation as well. Objectively, your post doesn’t make too much sense (their behavior), and I think there may be other things that were overlooked. If this was the case, those are some fucked up people. Does your wife feel the same way?

    However, you came to r/AskMen to ask men how to handle it. So be a man. When a man feels upset and sad about the situation, he deals with it. If you believe you’ve been unjustifiably screwed by them, then approach them like a man and get the answers you need. Do not approach with anger, and be sure to use a lot of “I feel…” statements when speaking to them. It would be cool if you updated us, you have captivated my interests! Good luck man.

  20. My friends have been hanging out the entire summer without me and I have to check Snapchat maps and ask them if I can hang out with them too. They generally say yes, but the only time any of them message me first is if they want to ask me a question (since I’m academically the smartest in the group). I think I can count on one hand the number of times they’ve been the first to invite me somewhere.

    I just got so sick of it that I just deleted Snapchat and Instagram from my phone. If they want to talk to me they have my number. And honestly I’ve never ever in my life depended on friends so frankly I don’t need any.

    But to answer your question, it depends on how much you value your friendship. Was this the straw the broke the camel’s back? If so, do whatever you and your wife think is deserving.

  21. I get it, sucks when this happens :/

    Usually they’re being dicks and you need to re evaluate things. On the other hand did they potentially think you were busy that weekend? (I know, probably not, but misunderstandings do happen!)

  22. Your feelings are definitely justified. I would talk to a few of them one on one and ask them point blank why did they not invite you. There had to be a reason. My first guess would be that they tend to hang out more often so naturally they may have just forgot about you. but you say you guys see each other virtually every weekend so that’s not the case. Unless, perhaps they do hang out in person quite often but you made a point of not wanting to hang out in person. Is that the case?

  23. I’ve almost always been that person on the outside. It’s painful and sucks but im used to it now. So I kinda just gave up trying to be included. If I see people I know I see people I know if I don’t I don’t. Usually more the latter than the former. I also don’t go on holiday a lot as it’ll be just me otherwise.

  24. If you consider them close friends just ask them why you weren’t invited. Depending on what they say you might find an answer. Tell them you were a bit disappointed by this so that next time they will check in

  25. Hey there. I don’t know how close you are, but all I would suggest is asking one of them why you weren’t invited. If they squirm and are awkward, then I think that says it all. Maybe you and your lovely wife find new friends. Life is too short to be the “tag” along couple.

    I hate when cliques start to show in groups.

    P. S If you are ever in England you’re always welcome to come to our house for a smoke haha

  26. Happened to me earlier this summer, before corona got bad. I asked the guy they went to go see and he was like “they just told me they were coming.” Three out of the four are really good friends of mine and I had asked one of them to let me know when she was available to hang out like we did one during the semester, but she never did. So it kinda hurt double.

    It took me a while to get over it and I did get over it. Mostly because I realized that they were all going to have a good time and get drunk at a lake and I haven’t touched a sip of alcohol ever nor will I ever. So its likely they didn’t invite me for that reason and I’m ok with that.

    SOOOOO it’s possible there is some thing that the other couples don’t vibe with you on that is either a real damper like in my case or they’re not as good friends as you think. The best approach, as someone said before, is to reach out to the one you’re closest to aka with whom this difficult conversation will be easiest. Good luck

  27. Sounds like they’re not close friends…

    When I was 18 I had to move out of my home town to the big city, I had a few friends in said city and thought they’d be my new friend group that my world revolves around, however I soon found I wasn’t clicking with them like my friends back home and their whole scene made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hang out with them, and I started to panic like “Omg I’m gonna have no friends”. I may have even wept.

    After that initial panic, I was suddenly one morning just overcome with the most intense sensation of euphoric relief. I could almost physically feel myself shedding a weight that had been on my shoulders my entire life. I could feel a negative force draining out of my body and leaving me feeling refreshed and vitalised. I didn’t realise what a burden friends have been in my life, what a harrowing source of anxiety, worrying every day about friends and what we’re gonna do and being cool and etc etc etc. They were my everything but I wasn’t actually enjoying it at all.

    Life has been so much better since. It allowed me to find my real self and pursue my real interests. As I meet new people I enjoy their company and joke around with them or whatever but I’m careful not to let people become close friends. I don’t want that in my life. I don’t want to be relied upon, I want to be able to relax and know no one is going to bother me, that is invaluable, and it feels “adult”. True independence.

    I’m now 37 and married with children. I don’t regret “breaking up” with my friends at all, I feel like I missed nothing, it was entirely necessary for me to flourish.

    I’d say this is your cue to exit the friend game and I’m happy for you.

  28. Life’s far too short to stress over this kind of stuff. They clearly are not friends. If they had a reason that was justified they would have explained it to you. Move on and focus on your family and find true friends worth your time.

  29. I had “friends” like this once. They never bothered inviting me anywhere, and occasionally made plans that didn’t include me RIGHT in front of me. I’m in very few of their group photos, and they even included a new girl in the group in plans a few times without me. It’s hurtful, but you have to find new friends. Like actual ones. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not worthy of their time. They may seem friendly, and they very well could “like” you and be decent people, but they aren’t friends to you. No one deserves that. You’ll find a person, or people, that you can connect with, and that wouldn’t dream of making plans without you. And if you don’t, so what? You sound young, so having friends is probably a big deal, but as you get older, they become less and less important. If I’m honest, my Grandma is my best friend. I have a few other friends, one that I’ve known since I was 6, and hang out with whenever we get the chance. This isn’t often, due to working and living hours apart. But my point is, you’ll have enough social interactions with people you work with, go to class with, etc. that you won’t miss having a “clique.” There’s less conflict that way, too. You really only need one good friend, and it doesn’t sound like any one of these people are going to be that friend to you.

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