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How do I keep telling the guy I’m dating that I’m not comfortable sending him nude pics?

I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months, we see each other once or twice a week for either a date or a hook up at one of our apartments. I am starting to like him because he’s sweet and respectful to me when we’re in person, but there’s always been something a tad bit off about him that I can’t describe. I’m in that stage tho where I’m daydreaming about him being my boyfriend and our future together cuz that’s what girls do. Since we are both currently home with our fams for thanksgiving, he texted me asking to send him nudes so he could see my body while he’s away from me. I told him I’m not comfortable with it. He kept pressuring me, saying things like “why don’t you want to?” “Do you not trust me?” I told him I felt pressured and I didn’t like it. He backed off but then spiraled again and said he would text another girl if I couldn’t give him what he wants. He also said that he really likes hanging out with me but having a girl send him pics and videos is a must for him and he wants to be seeing a girl that wants to send him pics. I just told him again I’m not comfortable yet (even though I’m not sure I ever will be) because I felt like he was threatening to end the relationship if I didn’t send him something and do what he said. I know this is %%%%ed up but I just didn’t want him to dump me right then and there. I’m also an idiot and told him I’d maybe send him something later this week and now that’s def not happening and he says he’s excited to see.

So my question is, how big of a red flag is this? I have no reason to feel guilty for not being OK with sending him nude pics right? We’re not even boyfriend/girlfriend or in a real relationship yet. I thought he liked me for more than ohhh but this makes it pretty clear to me that’s all he’s interested in and he’s manipulating me into getting what he wants which is pictures of my body so he can get off to them.

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37 Comments

  1. I think I’m too old for this question, cuz to me if you’re seeing some dude for 3 months and seeing him for a date or hookup weekly that’s pretty much a boyfriend.

    If he’s not respecting your boundaries it’s better to learn it now than later. Especially when he’s basically said if you won’t someone else will.

    Tell him to text another girl and delete your number.

  2. I stopped reading at “I’ll get them from someone else”.

    Congratulations, you’ve just received the first of many emotional manipulation/threats you’re going to get from this asshole if you continue with him.

    It’s not a red flag, it’s a fucking black one. Stop the race.

  3. He just showed you exactly how much he respects you, believe him. He does not give one flying fuck about you so tell him to fuck off.

    Edit: no you do not have any reason to feel guilty. My wife and I have been together for 8 years. She has never once sent me a nude photo it isn’t her thing and is embarrassing for her. I do have some pictures of her body but they are pictures I took myself and was given permission to take. They are in a private photo album that is password protected.

    You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

  4. >He kept pressuring me, saying things like “why don’t you want to?” “Do you not trust me?” I told him I felt pressured and I didn’t like it. He backed off but then spiraled again and said he would text another girl if I couldn’t give him what he wants.

    Run.

  5. Woman here, but wanted to chime in.

    I was in exactly this position freshman year of college. I was super into this guy i was casually dating/hooking up with and he would constantly ask me for nudes, which I wasn’t comfortable sending at the time. I made excuses but he said the same stuff – “don’t you trust me?” “I won’t show anyone I promise.” He also threatened to hook up with other women if I didn’t give him what he wanted, but I was so into him that I was naive enough not to see the red flags

    I regrettably caved and sent him pics. Soon after, I found out that he showed/sent them to his friends. I still stayed with him and the relationship continued to be manipulative and abusive.

    As people in this comment section are saying already, run and don’t look back. These are common actions of someone who does not respect you and your boundaries, and he’s giving you a clear indicator of that fact. There are plenty people out there who will treat you with respect, and this guy doesn’t seem like he will

  6. >He backed off but then spiraled again and said he would text another girl if I couldn’t give him what he wants.

    That right there says he doesn’t give one shit about you, that you’re just an interchangeable face in the crowd. Tell that turkey to fly.

  7. Known people like that.. not worth your time or respect.

    Call his bluff of texting other girls, block and move on.
    90% probability those pics will be seen by more than just him.

  8. He’s already exhibiting classic toxic behaviors. Trust and understanding are a couple of the most important things in a relationship.

    Some girls such as yourself don’t like the whole nude photo thing, and that’s fine. He’s not being understanding if he’s pressuring you and asking repeatedly after you’ve said no. It’s okay to explain yourself, but if he doesn’t understand after you’ve given him an explanation, it’s toxic.

    Additionally, if he is “threatening” to seek other girls if you don’t give him what he wants, don’t give into that. His values obviously aren’t where yours are.

  9. I don’t like the term “red flag” here, because it’s an alarmist label and it doesn’t really answer your question.

    Here’s the deal that you have to see clearly:

    **He’s already made the decision for you.**

    It’s not up to you. You either send him nudes, or the relationship is called off, either directly, or by seeking someone else and forcing your hand.

    If he’s making it be a deal breaker, let it break the deal. He’s an emotional terrorist. I’m sure he’s got redeeming qualities, but he’s an emotional terrorist nonetheless. No negotiations with emotional terrorists.

  10. That’s a huge giant big flashing red neon sign!

    The balls on that dude to say I’ll just text someone else when you don’t give me what I want.
    He’s telling you straight up he doesn’t give a shit about you just by saying that

  11. tell him flat out he’s not getting them.”

    i’m with the others that have said “he’s shown you his true colors”. you might htink he’s ‘sweet and respectful’ but … i mean – let me put it to you this way –

    “show me your titties or i’ma go get Sally to show me her titties”.

    is *that* sweet and respectful?

    for some men, with some immature mindsets, 3 months of hooking up is still well outside their range of connecting emotionally and building relationship value. I try not to judge too much, but this guy has quite clearly said that you are outside his range of valuing emotionally.

    and…. as much as i try not to judge, I try to be careful with the advice i give, but…

    but i’d say this – Acting in your Queen space right now would be valuable to you. he’s shown you his view of you. as much as you were afraid of him “dumping you right then and there” – the tables are turned. you’ve got grounds and reason to dump him right here and now.

    “Look, Chad, I’ve been thinking about this. Nudes are not my thing. won’t be ever. beyond that, you’ve shown me – and our relationship such as it is – a serious disrespect by threatening me and trying to manipulate my emotional vulnerability. I’ve realized that you’re not worth sacrificing my Queen self, my space, my integrity. sorry bubba, you’ve lost out.”

    3 months is fairly short amount of time, in the end. (to have to write off, i mean.)

    regardless. Good Luck. Wish you the best.

  12. I work for a helpline helping victims of online sexual assault/harrasment. This includes pressure to send nudes.
    From what I know based on the people I speak to on a daily basis, this guy will not stop pressuring you. If you cave and send the pictures anyway, he’ll ask for more, and he could use the pictures you already sent as blackmail material. You’d be surprised at how often people are pressured and threatened to have their nudes leaked. Don’t send nudes unless you’re 100% comfortable with this guy.

  13. If somebody pulls this “I can get/have [insert something] at/with [somewhere/someone else]”

    I deadass reply to them : “stop wasting both of our times and got get it somewhere else then”

    Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you dont feel comfortable doing, especially if it’s something like that. If someone pressures you to take care of your health, that’s something else, but this is a big no no!!!

  14. This is manipulation and is also a red flag.

    What next? Let’s say you don’t want to have sex one night, but he uses the same “I’ll find another girl” excuse and you end up fucking him against your wishes?

    Get the fuck out of there.

  15. > How do I keep telling the guy I’m dating that I’m not comfortable sending him nude pics?

    “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable with that.” If you have to say anything more than that, the guy doesn’t respect you as a person. He sees you as an object to get off from.

    > He kept pressuring me

    Pressuring someone to do something they don’t want to do is an insta-relationship/friendship killer for me. IT should be for you too.

    > he was threatening to end the relationship / said he would text another girl

    He’s threatening you. He’s threatening you because you won’t bow to his pressure to do something you aren’t comfortable with. He’s threatening to cheat / sleep around if you don’t give him what he wants. He has the maturity of a schoolyard bully and doesn’t deserve anything from anyone.

    > I’m also an idiot and told him I’d maybe send him something later this week

    You aren’t an idiot. You’re a person functioning under stress and pressure from someone else. It’s normal to try and create a compromise or appease them to reduce the tension. You aren’t an idiot, but this is still a learning experience.

    ​

    I know you’re daydreaming about it working out, but he doesn’t have the maturity to respect your boundaries and see you as a fully independent human. Even if he stopped threatening you, the fact is he’s shown his true nature already. He’s not worth your time. I’d break it off with him. You don’t have to explain anything to him, just say you aren’t clicking. Three months isn’t a long time for you to owe him something. If you stay with him, it’ll break down in a year or two anyway, and during that time you could meet someone more suitable for you.

    Good luck!

  16. Dump this idiot, sry there is no wiggle room. He gave you a friecking ULTIMATUM and you’re trying to figure out, what to do to fix this situation? Bye, bye baby, he has one chance to fix this and that’s to reach out and apologize. Scratch that any self-respecting human should forget about this garbage faggot in an instant. Maybe I’m too old school, I dunno, but threatning to start texting other girl for nudes after 3 months sounds like he never got punched in the face

  17. >he would text another girl if I couldn’t give him what he wants

    Doesn’t sound kind and respectable not going to lie. I would personally say that going to far. He’s pretty much saying give me what I want or I break your heart. Sounds like blackmail. I’d be careful with him. If your not comfortable your not comfortable if he can’t respect something as basic as that then does he really care about you in the end or how tingly his dick feels at the end.

  18. It’s a huuuuge red flag. If he’s pushing you into doing something you’re fundamentally uncomfortable doing, it’s time to cut it off cleanly and completely. Plus, at this point all you’d really be telling him is exactly what buttons he needs to push to get you to do whatever it is he wants.

  19. You shouldn’t have to keep telling him.

    Sounds like he has a kink that to you don’t share. That, by itself, is not a deal breaker. Not respecting your boundaries and pressuring you about it is a red flag. If you want to be in an abusive relationship, this is step one for getting there. Telling you flat out that if you won’t do it he will cheat on you or leave you sounds like a deal-breaker.

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