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How did you overcome your dating related insecurities?

Long story short: Didn’t get a lot of attention from girls during my teenager years (was very bitter about it), had a physical glow up in the last few years (23 y/o now), now I often catch girls flirting with me/notice that I get looked at in public. Problem is, my dating related insecurities didn’t disappear: I get attached too quickly, develop crushes, reveal it too early and scare girls away (even those, who initiated the contact/date) and feel extremely embarassed afterwards. I’d just like to be a person who can take things slowly, be open for casual things, hook-ups etc. You know, a non-toxic mature ohhhual person. A few days ago I realized that my preference for monogamy probably also boils down to my insecurities.

Did you guys have a similiar problem? Did you overcome it or did you just accept it to be a part of your personality? I think dating is different for men and women, that’s why I’d like to hear some experience from people who share the same experiences as me.

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8 Comments

  1. I understand that I am the prize. I am the one who should be being pursued. That’s the ultimate truth. I have value, I am so impossibly unique and capable of doing, providing and being something no one in the world can reproduce.

    I am David and I am all that is Man!

  2. “I get attached too quickly, develop crushes and reveal it too early.”

    I’m sure this is obvious advice, but it’s a good idea to *never* reveal it too early. That shit rarely, if ever, works out well for guys.

    Realise that you’re the prize, not her. Not in a chauvinistic way, as obviously you both are worth dating, but just don’t put her on a pedestal. No one is ever that amazing, so just try to relax and let her chase you a bit more.

    Younger guys often come on too strong and when they inevitably scare her away, they double down and run after her. Pretty much a guaranteed way to screw up every time.

  3. > How did you overcome your dating related insecurities?

    Trial and error mainly. Like most guys I had a bad habit of putting the girl first and wearing my heart on my sleeve. A major development in that process was having a mentor that taught me the in’s and out’s of women.

    > I get attached too quickly, develop crushes, reveal it too early and scare girls away (even those, who initiated the contact/date) and feel extremely embarassed afterwards.

    The easiest way to get rid of this problem is going into the dating world with an actual goal. What are you looking for? Get married? Date casually? or have flings? Having goals helps keep you centered and makes you focus on vetting the women you are dating to see if they fit in your plans.

    > I’d just like to be a person who can take things slowly, be open for casual things, hook-ups etc.

    Alright, let’s relax a bit. If you’re not open to hook ups and casual things, it’s best not to try and force it. Some people can sleep with a total stranger and not give it a second thought, some can’t. Don’t try to be either. Trust your initial judgement of the situation and accept it. I’ve lost count of how many dudes forced themselves into casual encounters only to have to deal with something they can’t get rid of.

    > You know, a non-toxic mature sexual person.

    What the hell does that even mean?

    > A few days ago I realized that my preference for monogamy probably also boils down to my insecurities.

    Probably not. I’m willing to bet you’re trying to rationalize engaging in casual encounters because of surrounding influences. You think you’re missing out while everyone is screwing their brains in. It’s not all glitter and gold my friend, and it’s not the majority of people. It’s just what society wants you to see. The average dude wants a solid girl for long term.

    > Did you guys have a similiar problem?

    Yup, absolutely. I got attached to quickly, and often got the short end of the stick in the end.

    > Did you overcome it or did you just accept it to be a part of your personality?

    Yeah, although I got some serious help from a mentor. She was brutally honest about women and their inner workings. In the year that I worked with her she gave me great perspective in the dating world. What to avoid, what to look out for, etc. She nipped the hook up issue in the bud quickly.

    Essentially she told me that some things just aren’t meant to be casual. Sex enjoyed in a carefree way sets you up for disaster when you get older. For women it becomes a chore and want it less often. This ruins marriages and long term relationships. For men it becomes the only thing that is important and women become just another notch in the belt. I’ll never for get her final thoughts on the subject.

    “Do yourself a favor kid, keep it in your pants and find a woman that hasn’t been slammed by every dick in town. You’ll have a much better sex life.”

    Turns out she was right. The best sex you can have is the kind of sex where you don’t have to worry about disease, pregnancy, and knowing the person you’re sleeping with genuinely wants to be with you before, during, and especially after the deed is done.

  4. My insecurities always lead me to believe my flaws outweighed my positives so I was afraid to ever put myself out there so I would distance myself and never let myself get close. I had bad self confidence as a result of my issue.

    I finally opened up to my now wife about it when we were dating and her reaction and immediate support was more than I could have ever hoped for. Gave me Renewed confidence and self esteem got boosted. Having someone who genuinely supports you and accepts you is huge.

  5. >I get attached too quickly, develop crushes, reveal it too early and scare girls away (even those, who initiated the contact/date) and feel extremely embarassed afterwards.

    I used to have this problem. What fixed it was casually dating multiple women. Made me realize I don’t need to pin hopes and dreams on one person. So if I was interested I let it known right away. If they weren’t, I had 3 others who were and the blue didn’t hurt as much. Just have fun until you met the one you can build hopes and dreams with.

  6. I’ve had these exact same problems growing up.

    This seems obvious but your problem is being too honest and straightforward. The beautiful thing about a new relationship or meeting someone new is how things develop slowly and how you get to know the person more every time. Just keep some stuff to yourself and slowly reveal stuff about yourself in every date/hangout.

    Also, girls really like to “work” for their man, they hate easy and want to work to get you. If you have girls who are flirting/looking at you then know that they want to work towards getting your love and attention. Knowing that you are someone else’s “goal” should boost your confidence and make you feel more secure while hanging out. Just play it cool, be yourself and wait for them to impress you as you already impressed them.

    Also, the word “insecurities” is casting a very wide net. Maybe write down what you feel insecure about and try to work to strengthen these weaknesses.

    I’d be open to talk if you want as I’ve had these issues and know how awful it must feel.

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