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How did you learn to not compare yourself to other men? Especially in your 20s?

I’ve (22M)been on a good self improvement journey recently, been doing good in grad school, losing fat and eating right, lifting, trying to be more social,etc. Thing is I’m not nearly as much of a man as guys my age, have no dating experience, no success on dating apps, I’m 5’6 lol. So I’m trying to improve myself but how can I stop comparing myself to other guys who are just more of a “man” than I am?

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47 Comments

  1. >Comparison is the thief of joy.

    There will always be someone better than you. But the only thing that matters is that you’re better than you were yesterday. Don’t look at people better than yourself and think ‘Damn, they’re so much better than me. I’ll never be like that’s, but instead think ‘Damn, they’re so much better than me. I want to be like that, so I’m going to put in the work’.

    Use those people as examples to follow, and be the best you can be.

  2. Find the thing that makes you a man in your own mind and be really good at it. I’m a really average dude, but I’m really good at doing man shit because I’ve done it for years. In my 20’s I had basic skills of carpentry, mechanical, and life skills in general. Now in my mid 30’s, I take pride in having never hired a mechanic or handyman to perform anything on my possessions. But it took a lot of trial and error to here.

    And…I’m a badass dad and husband. Thats the manliness thing I do.

  3. I had a heart to heart with my mom and she basically told me that if I live life comparing myself to others I miss out on my actual chance to live my own life and will regret it.

  4. There’s nothing wrong with comparing yourself to others as long as you’re seeing opportunities to improve your future self, rather than deficiencies in your present self. There’s nothing wrong with using the people around you to calibrate your compass, just make use of the compass.

  5. Be the best version of yourself, like be the most fittest you can, be the most successful at your career(are you on your right track career wise) and travel. Travel to unorthodox, beautiful places. It is important to take a break from rat race and breathe in life once in a while

    Additionally travel pics are the key according to my IMHO. Women on dating apps are spoiled with choice. So they filter according to your fitness levels and pics. More interesting the places in your pic, more the chances are they get curious about you and you will have some interesting experiences to share.

    I have had many dates while I was traveling around as well.

    In general, had more success meeting people outside of dating apps than dating apps for dating women because the apps are rigged in favour of women. Most of them are just looking to add insta followers lol.

    This is assuming you are a heterosexual male lol.

  6. in my 20s I was broke, ugly and quit university.

    it was pretty easy, because i was losing any comparision anyways. so i didnt have to do them.

    ​

    you have to find something that brings joy to your life and where you can escape to.

    ​

    and dont fool yourself, 90% of men have bad experience on dating apps, since theyre pure scams to scam you out of money.

    you have to be TOP10% in looks to be even remotely competetive.

    ​

    focus on your career in your 20s , when youre earning good in your 30s, the dating game changes.

    women in later ages care less about looks, apearance and more in education, income and good people. genuine good people , financial stable are what women want later on.

  7. I’ve been told to stop comparing myself to others; genuinely fair as comparing yourself to others can become detrimental when the comparisons themselves weigh too heavy to bear.
    Dating doesn’t determine how much of a man you are, you can very much pick up a demeanor and way of presenting yourself that is mature without having certain experiences. If you’re young then bounce up your knowledge, it applies within experiences which will aid you in the future when opportunities come up.

    It’s not a contest against eachother, but it is a contest of you in comparison to you of the near future, versus the version of you each passing day and before then. Self improvement means one of the major comparisons you’ll make is with yourself. Take in stride admirable qualities of others, and compare yourself to a future identity of yourself you could improve towards with more of the qualities you wish to have more (like maturity).

    Everyone has to start somewhere, if you ain’t got experience then find ways to get more knowledgeable over the aspects you want to have more agency within (just like grad, health and fitness, socializing). One step at a time!

  8. I like to think back to when I was 10. What would I have thought was important or would have wanted to achieve? Those are the important things that I need to measure myself against.

    I see all this Instagram/Tiktok life of people bragging about being in Tulum/Bali/Hamptons and 10 year old me didn’t even know where those places were. So why measure myself against something I really don’t care about?

  9. So, you should do these things for *yourself*, not for being manlier.

    Self improvement is great as long it really is for self improvement and not for shaggability. Eat healthy because you want to stay healthy, work out because it makes you feel better, a broad back, big arms or being taller won’t solve your self esteem issues, **self acceptance** will.

    You might need to sit down and evaluate what you want out of life except being a man, which you already are.

    Why do you want to be more of a man? What would being more of a man aid you in?

    Girls? I think girls like confidence and humour over looks. And girls who just choose you because of looks might not be the best for someone struggling with self esteem, i promise you that.

    Dating experience and having had a lot of girlfriends or one night stands has *nothing* to do with the concept of manliness, nor do muscles. And in terms of self esteem, neither will really help you.

    I know plenty of people who have all that and are incredibly unhappy with their lives.

    I learned that people who love what they do and pursue their hobbies and goals passionately build self esteem in the things they do or create. Self Esteem is also pretty attractive to people because it shows them you’re not reliant on **somebody else** to give your life **purpose**.

    From what i understand all of this is not about being manly, but about you wanting more attention from women(or whoever you like), because you feel like your problems would solve themselves once you have alot of dates, sexual encounters or experience.

    TD;DR

    A lot of guys struggle with that my man, but continue to work on yourself for yourself (not somebody else) and eventually everything else will come along by itself, including someone who likes you for who you really are.

    But the first one who’s gotta like you in order for that to work is **you.**

    ​

    Hope it works out for you, pal.

  10. Everyone is born under different circumstances , everyone is different from you , you can’t compare someone who has something that you don’t because you have something that they don’t ! you have to focus on being the best version of yourself.

  11. Staying away from social media is a big help. People will often post the absolute best of the best in their lives so its easy to see everyone else moving ahead faster than you in life, except they often aren’t. Since you see the one-sided story, you never see when people fail and stagnate.

  12. Anyone will tell you that comparing yourself to others is not a good/healthy way of gauging yourself as a man. It’s certainly the easiest though, if not toxic, but its a hard mental habit to squash. At 30 I can tell you it gets easier to let go of it the older you get. The best thing you can do for you is to make reasons to be confident. Expose yourself to new things regularly, take care of yourself, and develop a style that fits You. In regards to women thatll make yourself more confident during the first encounter.

  13. We all have diffrent starting points in life so you can’t compare yourself to other.
    Let’s take fitness for example, there are men that have been doing sports their whole life so more likely than not they will have ahead start on that gym body, they might have good gene, parents might have thought the good diet from early, so comparing yourself to them is just a disservice to yourself.(you can make a simile example with education, finance, social skills…)

    The best you can be is the best version of you. Cheesy but true. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself, so keep going man. When it comes to dating, you want to become “a catch” in the sense that you are a balanced person in many all or aspects of yourself, keep socialising and don’t put too much weight on the apps, people will naturally gravitate towards you with time.

    Comparison is natural but I think staying away from social media did it for me. We all know it’s a snapshot but subconsciously it will affect your perception of yourself. Since leaving it, I genuinely do not care about shit other men do, wear, buy. Cos if you really deep it that has nothing to do with you

  14. Thing is, most of the time, if competency is based on comparison and approval, you’ll be afforded no opportunity to be any better than everyone else. You’ll become another average joe. Finding a good mate is important, sure. But first making sure you become the best of the best at what you do—that in itself insures and ensures yourself into all spheres of the world.

  15. Well think of this. I’m 30, have a wife and 3 kids, drink beer, have tattoos and am hairy as fuck. And still I get called kid. So how manly can these other 22 year olds be that they have you downing yourself? Fuck that.

    Only person I’m comparing myself to is that guy with the huge dick in Netflixs sex life.

  16. You are very young at 22, life has not Even started. So I would not fret, but I understand what you mean thoug,as others have said. The most noble thing you can achive is to strive to improve and be better.

  17. It is natural to compare yourself to others, but sometimes it can become unhealthy. I noticed some guys get jealous and start hating on more successful men and try to bring them down in an effort to feel better about themselves. The healthy way to deal with jealousy in my opinion is to try to understand what those guys are doing to become successful and learn from them as much as possible.

  18. Remind yourself that nobody cares about your life as much as you do, and others are busy enough worrying about themselves to worry about you. Just do your thing, live well, and remind yourself it’s okay to look to others for ideas and inspiration, but you don’t need to compare yourself to them. What you see of others is almost always their “highlight reel”

  19. My father worked at an explosives factory and my mother came down with Pseudo Tumor Cerebrai when I was like 7 years old. My upbringing was wildly different than most people’s, so comparing myself to other people was apples and automobiles.

  20. Personally I got bullied a ton in elementary. The silver lining is that I learned that I can’t look to other people for confidence.

    It honestly got a little difficult to remember that when I started to become accepted by my peers.

  21. Might be psycho advice but focus on something bigger than yourself. For me, it’s trying to alleviate poverty through entrepreneurship. Now that I’m grinding towards this I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. Once you get to a place you want to be with your sex life you’ll stop caring about chasing women too. It’s not about being better for the sake of being most desirable anymore. My desirability has fuck-all to do with the important things in my life now. At some point I also realized I’m happy for other men who are succeeding around me instead of jealous. The more success the better. I got mine, and I’m glad they’re getting theirs too. Looking back on it, trying to be better than anyone was a very cringe way to frame trying to better myself. Using others as benchmarks is natural, but wishing failure on those around me was dumb. If they really did fail I’d strip myself of the resources, motivation, and positivity that comes with having surrounding yourself by successful people.

  22. There are plenty of fantastic comments here that have already said much of what I would say so I’ll just add this: what helps me is repeating to myself whenever I am down and comparing to other that *only I can live my life.* Each one of us has unique talents, abilities, experiences, struggles, good, bad, and ugly. The person I’m comparing myself to couldn’t live my life and, when I’m completely honest, I wouldn’t want to live his life either. My life might not be the greatest right now but it’s the one I have and I want to make the best of it.

  23. I think I Learned to stop comparing myself to other men when I realized that for every advance I made, another insecure guy was going to try and outdo me. That realization struck me as quite strange and rather pathetic, so I decided to stop doing it myself because I didn’t like how it made other people look.

  24. M21 Listen, relatively all 20 year olds are dumb, young, experience-lacking and haven’t had any major success’ or downfalls; we start from the same point, each with their own shit to deal with. You focus on yourself and don’t get discouraged by your perception of others. Your perception might be projecting your own insecurities and areas of improvememt, instead of other’s “success’ “. Its yourself you see in them.

    Also, I’m just as a lost soul in the dating scene as you hahah. I’m trying to figure out what to do, and I got two problems going for me. I don’t make time for it so it fades in forgetfulness, and I’m a bitch who fears rejection

  25. I learned that no matter what, people have good and bad in their life. Most people, especially with social media, post a majority of the good things while they leave out the sad nights or denied job offers.

    Everyones different so if you just be yourself its all that can be asked.

  26. When I learned to accept everyone for who they are, I also realized that meant me. Sure, there were things I wanted to improve on, but for me…not because someone else was better or anything.

    And honestly, my popularity soared, as did the attention I was getting from women. I was much more confident, comfortable being myself, all that.

  27. I just started appreciating other men. It does helped that I’m yolked, but it went from being insecure about not being as big as other dudes or as handsome to literally saying, “My god that dude is handsome.” Hahaha. Idgaf. Real recognizes real. Again, I think my own self confidence from the gym and aging well has played a part, but still, I did used to be insecure.

  28. Same situation as me mate. I’m 23. I’ve always been quite fit though but the last year I’ve really got into cycling, last 6 months been training to start racing. I have joined cycling groups. I’ve already got a great career also. I’m happier that’s for sure, but still have no luck with dating. I’m bad at texting, my true personality doesn’t come across but most girls my age prefer to text for a bit before meeting but by then they will be bored of me.

  29. I learned that nothing is as it seems. Each layer you peels back on a person you realize they don’t have it all figured out.

    That jacked guy you might thing has the perfect body could be having serious heart problems due to steroids. That guy with the good career earning lots of money could secretly hate that he spends his entire life at a job he hates.

    You just never know what people are going through.

  30. 1. Get off the internet. The first step to not caring is to stop dedicating time to it. Stop paying attention. Delete your Instagram. Delete your snapchat. Delete everything.
    2. Fill your time with a productive hobby. You said you want to get into better eating and exercising. Start journaling this. Learn more. Implement it. You are also in school so dedicate more time to studying or working internships/projects.
    3. Actually tell yourself “I don’t care about that”. When you see something that sniffs of glorification or you are tempted to compare your stature, actually say out loud and tell yourself that you don’t care. Eventually, it’s true.
    4. Actually stop caring about comparisons. The final step to not comparing yourself to others is by not caring about a status. So what if they have a brand new truck and you drive your beater you inherited from your great aunt. Okay, and? So what if he is dating the hottest girl on campus. Great for him, hope they are happy together.

  31. The only man you should compare yourself to is the man you were yesterday. I can’t think of many things less “masculine” than seeking approval and validation from others. If you get in the mindset of improving yourself, for yourself, now that’s manly. Also, you ultimately get to decide what defines improvement. If you’d rather be skinny and you’re big, that’s fine. If your skinny and would prefer to be big, also fine. Just own your decisions and understand other people may not approve. Again, a healthy amount of “I don’t give a fuck” is needed.

    There’s a difference between living and accepting yourself and disrespecting yourself by not trying to be a little better each day. You don’t need to brutalize yourself in the gym or make yourself miserable with your diet, but treat your mind, body and image with respect.

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