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How can I be more approachable to men?

So I’m a (20F) and I need help with this. I get told a lot by others that the first time they met me, they thought I was stuck up or that I was intimidating to them, but once they got to know me they loved me and thought I was a great person. I also notice that I have an rbf most of the time. Idk how to change it to be honest, and just need some guidance. As a man, what are some signs you’d see in a woman for you to approach them? I do get approached sometimes, but I feel like I might be scaring some guys away due to people thinking I look intimidating. I feel like I’m a really friendly person and am not mean at all, so idk what I’m doing wrong. Please help lol

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39 Comments

  1. Are you naturally a quiet person, maybe a little less talkative around people you don’t know? A lot of the time you can put off a feeling of intimidation simply by going about your business. People want to be acknowledged, so if you’re not reacting to them, they get a little stuttered in how they approach. Your RBF definitely plays into it as well. People see stoicism or calmness and get shook by it easily.

  2. Personally I’m told I have rbf so I chew gum to give me that Mona Lisa half smile

    I assume all women want to be left alone so I never approach unless she makes eye contact with me, smiles at me, or waves at me

  3. This is something I had to learn because I had the same face, I just had this slight scowl and of course everyone avoids that. It literally took me looking into a mirror and making derpy faces to figure out how not to look unpleasant. It doesn’t mean you have to grin like an idiot all the time, just learn how your face works.

  4. Men don’t have RBF: we have RAF: resting a-hole face. When I (52M) was in my teens, I realized that I had RAF. I’m not gonna lie: I was afraid that I would never get a girlfriend if everyone’s first impression is “that guy has the face of an a-hole”, so I literally started *forcing* myself to smile more, so that people wouldn’t think I’m a hostile and belligerent a-hole.

    Eventually, it paid off. I became more approachable. People started reacting better to my presence. I met the love of my life. People started describing me with words like “cheerful” and “fun”. And the smiling became habitual, so that I didn’t have to consciously think about it anymore.

  5. Ha! My SO is the same way. Always sat at the back of the class in our grad program, looking pissed off. Kind of has natural RBF. Eventually we got in a group project together, and she was opposite me on the negotiation for the project. She was brutal as a negotiator. But I am a former Marine, so I kind of like the tougher personality and we started hanging out. I still remind her that she almost made me cry in that negotiation, and my nickname for her is Angry Asian Lady, but she is super sweet when she wants to be.

    ​

    So … point of the story is … um….. find someone who likes intimidating people? I don’t know. I digressed.

  6. I’m assuming like most women that you have a wing girl, or a close friend that you always go out with in a pair, and that you both spend most of the night glued to each other.

    Essentially the signals I look for from a girl in those pairs is that one of them is trying for eye-contact with me. If you have your head on a swivel, checking out what’s on offer and you find someone you like, try to catch him when he does a room check. This initial interaction is a really strong indicator that you want him to talk to you. If he does look at you and you do meet eyes, the key is not to look away, because that shows disinterest. You want to do something like smile or take a sip of your drink to say “Hah! You caught me, what are you going to do about it?”

    Another note in this situation, face your body towards the room instead of your friends if you’re open to being approached. You don’t want to close the room off.

    If the guy you’re after is in a group of his friends (males or mixed) see if you can join the conversation circle next to him and introduce yourself. Standing next to a guy once or twice will normally encourage him to interact with you.

    For RBF all you need to do in consciously smile all the time until you get used to it and it’s natural

  7. Thing is: Approaching women is difficult for most men these days. Men are anxious, they won’t assume you are “quiet” and “shy”. They will assume you are uninterested or pre-annoyed. They don’t want to step in and risk having their day ruined because you reject them in a rude way – because unfortunately, a lot of girls are extremely rude when rejecting.

    If you see a man you want to be approached by, just make the approach easier. Eye contact, a little smirk or smile, turn a little towards him. When in a restaurant, club or bar and you are ordering something, just step in right next to him (make sure you smell nice too, catches all of us). Make him feel like you won’t be terrible to him when you aren’t interested and make the effort required to approach you minimal.

    Basically try to put this thought in his head: “Come on – She is right there!”

  8. Just a completely made up theory of mine, but I think a lot of RBF comes from relaxed jaw and/or tired looking eyes. If you don’t already try keeping your teeth together and even put on a subtle smile that wouldn’t be hard to maintain (but don’t actually use too many face muscles to make a face). You’re eyes might open up a little just from doing this and it could help. Completely made up by me though as a male who always looks kinda angry or equivalent of RBF.

  9. Eye contact and smiles. Give them reasons to approach (accidentally drop something next to you) or just approach them.

    Believe it or not guys love when a woman is honest about her interest whether it be romantic or platonic.

    Try joining clubs or something that interests you.

  10. First impressions matter so try to be as open as possible and don’t be afraid to lead the conversation. Be a more animated version of yourself if you have to. Also try to approach life with more curiosity like a child would, and maybe that would help your RBF. Don’t be afraid to smile at strangers even if it feels weird.

  11. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Some people are more approachable than others. You should be counting your blessings. I am sure there are a lot of girls who wished they didn’t look so approachable. Guys can be pigs. You are young. You will meet someone who isn’t afraid to come up and talk to you.

  12. >How can I be more approachable to men?

    Stop trying to be more approachable and start doing the approaching.

    >I also notice that I have an rbf most of the time. Idk how to change it to be honest

    You won’t. That’s just how some people are built and I’ve never heard of anyone changing it. At the same time it’s not as bad as you might think, it can be kinda hot if you show interest in a guy anyway- the whole ‘she’s normally cold, but she feels something special for me’ impression has its charms.

    >As a man, what are some signs you’d see in a woman for you to approach them?

    Just showing interest in me (and not acting irresponsibly) is the main thing. Every step comes with the question of ‘is she okay with this?’, so being proactive and showing a guy that you want the next step (even if it’s just the first step) is more valuable than anything else, especially when it comes to the sort of respectful, responsible guys that you’d want for a long-term relationship.

  13. If you’re attractive but not overly outgoing, you’ll have to learn to smile more and communicate with your eyes. Eye contact and a smile is what makes me approach a woman, but a lot of guys are never going to make the approach even if you do everything right.

  14. Meeting me in person, people look at me like i am a monster… i am 6ft 8in tall and i rarely smile because of my childhood, but i do feel like i am a nice person as well. I can be a bit of an asshole because of my past, which is warranted by the way lol.

    Anyways just be yourself an the way people view you is just instant judgement. Those who actually take the time to get to know you are the ones worth chatting with. I know i am a loner in this aspect, but at least the good ones that did talk to me are still around.

  15. For me, I look more into who the people around her are. You can tell a lot about the person by who they keep close around them. Don’t get me wrong, people who are rich can be shitty too. So, I look more into what they’re actions and goals. Ask yourself this, are the people around you you would be proud to be friends with? If you introduce a bf to your current friends, what will be his first impression of them?

  16. I had a similar problem once. I recorded myself speaking, listened to it, and made adjustments. Sometimes, your voice does things in your head, that it doesn’t do when others hear it. If necessary, keep those things in mind when you speak. But also, it might not even be you. It might just be the people you’re talking to.

  17. Smile more. When you approach someone with a big smile on their face it immediately causes them to let their guard down and engage with you. It also usually causes them to smile back, and smiling is a fun, friendly way to start any interaction with a stranger or someone you’ve known for years.

  18. Guys will take any encouragment as a sign that you’re approachable. If you give a smile, the guy may approach you. If he doesn’t, it could be HIS insecurity. A lot of guys keep their distance until they get a good vibe for a while before chancing rejection. I sympathize with you. I’m a guy, and apparently my auto transmitter is booming out ‘FUCK YOU!’ to the four corners of the Earth. I don’t even care anymore.

  19. I know women hate hearing this. But the best way to be approachable is to smile. That’s step one. Smile eye contact hair flip. Ladies run that play all the time because it works.

    Forget the inevitability of getting more attention than you want for a second. That’s a real thing but a different conversation.

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