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Guys with strong long term memory, how do you move on?

Title. From literally anything from a relationship to a friendship. I’m finding it difficult to move on because I can’t get a person out of my head despite trying all tricks (stopping contact with them, getting into a new hobby, focus elsewhere), its like almost everything in my surroundings reminds me of this person. Looking for genuine advice.

If you need more info, I am happy to provide it down below.

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8 Comments

  1. Unfortunately it’s just going to take time, you’ll eventually move on. It’ll be uncomfortable as hell and it might take a while but if everything you’ve tried isn’t working then you just gotta wait it out and try to keep yourself as sane as possible

  2. Worth saying I don’t think this is just a memory thing. Other people don’t just ‘forget’ things. They process them, resolve the feeling to at least the point that new stuff can take priority. You don’t have to forget someone to make room for other things in life. You might end up forgetting after it’s processed, but that’s a different thing.

    Processing loss or whatever can take all kinds of forms and kind of depends on what you need. Any way will take time, but there wont be one right answer. For some folks it’s therapy which comes in all kinds of types. You don’t have to have something big and serious to benefit from getting a professional to help process something. Just if you feel like you have a lifetime of unprocessed things you can’t move on from, there might be something going on. Again, I really don’t think this is some ‘good memory’ thing.

    There’s stuff like body mindfulness, where you just try to sit with strong feelings, not rationalize them or get stuck in your head, just feel it, let it come and go naturally. Explore the feelings, but again, without justifying/rationalizing, as doing that kind of stuff while overwhelmed can be unproductive.

  3. It probably has something to do with why you had to stop being friends with them? If it was traumatic (or even if it wasn’t) you might look into a cognitive behavior therapy. I’ve heard good things about it and tried to read about it and it sounds like it would be helpful.

  4. It’s not about forgetting. It’s about forgiving. Either them or yourself. It’s about learning to live with what is rather than grieving for what was or what might have been.

    I recommend trying mindfulness. There are a wealth of guides, books, videos, and even apps for this. It’s not new-age woo-woo, it’s training your brain to be quiet when you want it to. Being able to more easily live in the moment you’re in and focus on what you have, is a powerful first step in healing.

    A strategy that works for me in letting the past be the past is setting and accomplishment of goals. Getting this habit of small victories helps give you that constant dopamine hit associated with the now and the near future. Which, in turn, can help condition your though patterns away from fixation on past events.

    Avoidance or distraction are short term strategies that don’t let you really learn to live with what you’re carrying. Instead they’re just a form of ignoring it. So focus on training your brain to be healthier and find your path to processing what you’re dealing with. Re-contextualize it in your head and practice that mental language. Pay attention to the way you think about it now and then take some time to understand that. Next consider how you WANT to think about it. Preferrably a healthy way such as “That was a good thing that I had and I learned a lot from it. I’ve grown as a person” or “Yeah, that hurt, but man did I learn to be a better partner in the future/ learn warning signs to be aware of in the future / learn what I really need rather than what I think I want.”

    Practice that new mental framework until it is your natural path. And forgive yourself for slips and mistakes. They’re going to happen. Every success you have, no matter how brief, is a success. It’s proof you can do at least that well again. And heck, you’ll do better if you keep at it!

    Best of luck, bud.

  5. Try to make peace with the past. Understand that what was good is gone but the memories aren’t tainted by that. They’re just not the person they were back then and that’s fine

  6. Supposedly you have emotional reactions to memories when you don’t fully understand and accept what went down. Idk if that’s true, but after my last break up I spent a lot of time alone and wrote out all my thoughts. Ended up basically writing the whole relationship as a story, and I was able to so clearly see where shit started going downhill. Then I just focused on the future. My job, hobbies, goals, flaws, new girls. You have to look back till you understand – then only look forward.

  7. Jay Z: This is the number one rule for your set
    In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets
    On the, rise to the top, many drop, don’t forget
    In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets

    You need to watch Cobra Kai and stop being such a wuss.

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