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Guys of Reddit, how do I stop feeling like I use my girlfriend to fill a void in me? I want to be able to say she adds to my life and not fills it because I’m missing something.

I realised I’ve fallen into a bit of a trap here and want to get out of it because I want to make her feel like a first choice and want to love her for the incredible person she is. I feel so lucky to be able to call her my girlfriend because she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, i accept her for who she is and all the flaws that come with her and I love that we have the same goals in life (getting a degree in something we’re passionate about, travelling the world, starting a family one day etc.)

I want to find ways to be okay with myself first that don’t make her feel like just a coping mechanism or a way to feel better about myself, because that’s just not fair on her. I realise that if I don’t fix this then it’ll be wrong of me to continue dating her because she’ll deserve someone else that loves her because they’re already satisfied with themselves and don’t look for someone to fill the void in them. I want to work on this and better myself so that I’ll be able to say I love her because she adds so much to my already complete life instead of just fills it because I’m missing something.

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10 Comments

  1. This is almost like if I would write it….
    I feel you man a just keep grinding this mindset, I am trying the same…..
    Use the joy you have from your relationship and whenever you can, say to yourself, lol I did this on my own and I can do this on my own, I think about this on my own….. Or kinda like that (sorry for my english).
    Just when you going to think about her, add something that makes you feel good for yourself even if its just that you (cleaned, rubbed, washed FUCK I forgot what you do when you just do you teeth!!!)….
    So anyway, we are in similar situation and I wish the only best for you! ❤️

  2. It sounds like you’re already on the path because you are thinking about these things. Being ok with our selves is a lifelong process, new challenges might come in your way that you will need to cope with. I don’t believe it is something you can just do once and be done with it.

    Try to have independent hobbies/interests. Make sure you both spend time just for yourselves. As long as you are not dependent on her for all your emotional needs you’ll do fine.

  3. Truth Bomb: you *cannot* love someone else, if you hate yourself. You just can’t.

    If you feel you are not deserving of her, then you can **grow as a person** into the kind of man who *is*.

    And that takes a lot of hard work. A *lot* of hard work.

    That outta the way-

    What, *specifically*, is something you want to work on? “Be a better person” is new-year’s-resolution vague bullshit. You’ll need to make *specific, tangible goals*. Specific so you know what to work on, and tangible so you know when you’ve made progress.

  4. Does this feeling come from you or from her? Has she expressed her feelings, that she feels like you only have her to fill your void?

    If not, then what void is she exactly filling? Time to get into psychoanalysis and figure out what is it that you are lacking. For example, I had a phase where I dated proactive extroverts, because even as extrovert myself due to depression I was never able to make myself go out of house for myself. No matter how much I enjoy dancing in clubs, even if club is 200m from my flat, I’d sit and do nothing. So I would date someone who would drag me out. However I don’t know if your problems are as simple to figure out. But the way to solve this is to find out and find a way to fix that issue (void) without her.

  5. How is everything you wrote in the first paragraph not enough?

    >I want to be able to say she adds to my life and not fills it because I’m missing something.

    Maybe you are missing something, maybe that’s what your brain’s trying to tell you, if you constantly think about this unprovoked.

    You should find a good shrink instead of relying on the advice of random strangers on the internet.

  6. The first problem is that this whole post is about her when you’re asking about you. You’ve got to start thinking about yourself. When you’re spending time alone and your mind is wondering, what does the void feel like? Are you unfulfilled? Sad? Lazy?

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