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Gentlemen, How important is it for you that your spouse has direction, ambition, non-complacency, etc.

My question is prompted by an experience I had with a woman(33 years old). She was all around nice, good to talk to, attractive, etc. What really turned me off about her, however, was that she didn’t really seem to have much direction where she wanted to take her life and just seemed to be comfortable in her current situation.

For reference, she’s a receptionist that currently lives with her mother. When I asked about the living situation, it wasn’t due to some financial hardships in her or her mother’s part or was in between careers, it was just because the rent was cheap. To me that was off putting for the reasons above.

What do you guys think?

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29 Comments

  1. > For reference, she’s a receptionist that currently lives with her mother. When I asked about the living situation, it wasn’t due to some financial hardships in her or her mother’s part or was in between careers, it was just because the rent was cheap.

    That attitude seems reasonable to me tbh, if she’s happy with her job and doesn’t mind living with her mom it’s a smart arrangement. Idk how much she makes but I know the receptionists from my clients’ offices earn enough to live comfortably (by this I mean I doubt they’ll ever be able to afford a Rolls Royce, but you know, no financial headaches) and I honestly think they have an interesting job: they get to meet tons of interesting people, they take care of several things around the office, it’s all around a nice gig imo. Not everyone has to aim to be a CEO.

    If I didn’t mind living with my parents I would’ve also done the same until I had a reason to want to move out, like getting serious with my girlfriend or something like that. That being said, you’re completely free to be turned off by whatever.

  2. To me there’s a big difference between being happy and content with your current situation (like the woman in your example seems to be) and with being not motivated to do anything or work themselves, but wants to mooch off of your successes.

    One I’m totally fine with one. The other I find a big turnoff.

  3. Doesn’t matter to me because i’m not ambitious.

    I mean why move up if she absolutely loves or even just doesn’t mind going to work as a receptionist.

    Is a little bit more money worth stress and hating your job? Some people say yes. I say no.

    IMO find something you like to do and that you think you could do until you retire and then adjust your lifestyle around it, whether that makes 35k or 350k.

    And with the rent thing, I moved in with my parents after the Army. Why waste a bunch of money on rent when it’s not needed? The women I dated never really had a problem with it but I’m sure some do.

    Altso it depends on if she does chores around the house too. Because if she’s never lived alone ever? Then I might be worried that she won’t like having to do the day to day cleaning and chores that go with living alone.

    But then again there are people that live alone that let pizza boxes stack up 5-6 at a time so it really means nothing.

    So yea, none of that about the woman would have bothered me. If she seemed nice I would have dated.

  4. I think the only difference between you two is what makes your life fulfilling and complete.
    If you want grand living, penthouses, someone who is climbing the professional ladder, she is not the one.
    If you want humbleness and someone who remains in jobs she loves more than she worries about salary, she is the one.
    Not really saying one correlates to the other as much just trying to explain why her “good” makes you believe its not “good enough”.
    The difference is perception of what makes you happy, complete, and have a fulfilling life.

  5. I am totally okay with someone who is happy with where they are in life, if they’re being responsible. That’s actually better for me.

    I’m a very driven person and every time I dated another type A personality, neither of us really prioritized the relationship. Then I met my wife who has a decent job, is happy with it, and puts all her extra time prioritizing her relationships. Her commitment to the relationship makes me more committed, her focus on happiness makes me slow down and appreciate things. And I give her structure. Honestly, it’s the counterbalance we both need.

  6. It’s important to me in not necessarily the career aspect, but the hobby.

    It’s important that they do something in their spare time, art, gym, volunteering, etc. I’ve dated so many girls that don’t really do anything but work and then want to hang out with me. Which is fine to a point, but I have a couple of hobbies that make my life fulfilling. Some are understanding and support or stand out of the way of me doing it. But when all they’re doing is twiddling their thumbs until I give them attention, idk it bothers me. And a couple didn’t understand why I would want to do something other than hang with them and watch tv. How’re we supposed to grow together when they’re fine being a stump, ya know?

  7. As someone with zero career ambition myself, I’m certainly fine with it.

    I work to live, not live to work. What someone does outside of work is intensely more interesting than what they do for work 99% of the time.

    I’m also quite minimalist and anti-capitalist/anti-materialist, so that is another factor.

    However, I would say that someone living with their parents presents certain logistical problems that may turn me off from having a further relationship with them.

  8. It wouldn’t matter to me, what I’m looking for in a life partner is conversation, companionship, similar lifestyle preferences (as in, if she wants to live like the rich and famous on my paycheck that’s not going to work), and physical intimacy. If she’s comfortable with her position in life that’s awesome. I’ve dated worse.

  9. I think it’s fine- the question is what do you want/think.

    I don’t care what someone’s job is, as long as they’re working and responsible. I mainly want someone who’s kind, caring, mostly happy, etc.

    But it sounds like you might want something different, for yourself and from your partner. It’s ok to prefer ambition (there are lots of accomplished, ambitious women who want a guy who respects/values that). It’s mainly a question of what you want from a partner/relationship.

  10. You need to think of the big picture. If you eventually want kids and you’re in a relationship with another career driven person, it will be tough to find a good balance between career and family. My fiancee and I are both highly career driven. We can’t have kids do to her having had cancer so it works for us because we can put our energy into our careers and still have enough time for our relationship.

    Those lucky enough to have kids, with two thriving careers eventually one person’s career will have to take a backseat for the sake of the family. That will be a fun conversation to have. Lol

  11. I’m 26 and honestly it’s up there as one of the most important things. I usually date within my age group so if I meet a girl who literally has no goals and is in her mid 20s, I wouldnt want to pursue anything long term if at all.

  12. I don’t think direction, ambition, or non-complacency have much to do with her living situation. She seems to be doing what’s right for her, so I wouldn’t see a reason why it would bother anyone.

  13. If she is emotionally and mentally well balanced, overall a good person, treats you well, honest, fun in bed, and the two of you get along well together, that’s a win in my book.

  14. I really don’t mind. All I’m looking for is someone who is loyal and devoted. Something loving and beautiful. If you can provide that that’s all I’m looking for. A “career” woman who’s absorbed with being a doctor or lawyer won’t be able to have time for kids anyway

  15. It’s important for them to have it as it is for me to have it myself, which I don’t so I’m not looking for a relationship until I fix myself. I know I would lose my mind if I just kept living the same day over and over again. For me complacency is like quicksand; if you don’t do anything about your boring situation you’ll get less and less motivated to find something to get yourself out of that rut. It’s been like that for me ever since I got a two month winter break from college. Glad to start learning again.

  16. There’s a point to be made about complacency vs genuine satisfaction. If you and she are happy with your lives, you’re supporting yourselves and each other as much as you and she need, then there’s no issue. We don’t all need to be six-figure-per-year globetrotting jetsetters.

    If you are doing the bare minimum to not starve, default, or die tomorrow, but it’s a desperate stretch to say that you’re “living,” then that’s a concern. It becomes a red flag when one of you thinks “we could/should be doing better,” but the other has zero desire to budge. When your visions and dreams as individuals and as a couple widely diverge, y’all need to sit down and hash that out.

  17. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that mindset. Some people just don’t derive satisfaction their careers, and that’s perfectly okay. They find meaning elsewhere in life. The world still needs receptionists and baristas.

    That being said, I don’t think that I would be romantically compatible with someone who wasn’t career-driven to some degree.

  18. Career motivation is not especially important. Laziness and inability to get or keep a job is a much bigger problem. I would also say that education is an issue. I’m not an educational elitist, but having that shared experience of going to college is important.

  19. In your example, I would say she turns me off by not being “self sufficient”. I want a partner that fully supports herself, i.e. not looking for me to be her financial support.

  20. In my opinion living with her mom doesn’t mean she isn’t independent. I think she gives you a good reason. Maybe she wanted only to save money for other things. Probably she is an humble person who doesn’t want much in life. And it’s a type of person that someone likes but others don’t like. I think you should think about your life and what you want. If you want someone with ambition and adventurous, she might not be your type.

    I think everyone in this subbrisbane have different opinion, and knowing what they want isn’t helpful for you, because we are totally different.

  21. The important thing to me isn’t necessarily that they’re particularly driven, but that they give me space to be driven. (I’m not crazy ambitious, just aiming to go into academia, so I need solid time to work.) I need someone who can keep themselves entertained, above all, and has other friends besides me. Having ambitions of their own, or at least hobbies, certainly helps with that. I guess the big thing is that they’re not going to get jealous of me spending a lot of time and brainpower on things that aren’t them, but any well adjusted adult can do that, they don’t necessarily need to be coming from the same place.

  22. Question for you, u/swiftskill

    What’s wrong with arriving at a spot in you life and finding yourself contented with the situation?

    Can we never say ,”hmm, I like this. This is where I’m staying.”

  23. I would like to know why you find it to be an issue that she is happily a receptionist who decides to live with her mother because it financially works out for her?

  24. It sounds fine to me. Overly driven people slightly annoy me if Im being honest. She has found a place in life, if she is happy with it then that is good enough for me….

  25. Zero.
    If she’s happy, *whats the problem?*
    Some of us spend our entire lives attempting to get the point in life where she is at, happy and content.
    As long as she can pay her own way and wasn’t a burden, happiness is far more important than pushing her for some job she probably doesn’t want. What’s the point of “success” if it makes you miserable?

  26. I feel like you differ in your life paths. It seems as if you want more from life, you want to attain more, make more money, be more successful, etc. However, some people don’t want that…some people don’t have this thing in their head that says “okay, I achieved my goal…now what? What more can I do to further my career?” And that’s completely fine. She’s happy with her life and where she is, you’re not pleased because of your expectations of yourself and of how you portray your partner/gf/wife to be. You want someone that has a drive and a motivation to always want more and to do more, and generally that’s also okay to want but at some point A LOT MORE won’t ever be enough. Maybe meet someone else with similar ambitions.

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