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Emotionally Unavailable Men of Reddit, what caused you to be so guarded with your emotions? what event or circumstances can you relate to being emotionally unavailable in romantic situations?

Emotionally Unavailable Men of Reddit, what caused you to be so guarded with your emotions? what event or circumstances can you relate to being emotionally unavailable in romantic situations?

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25 Comments

  1. A long string of partners who liked to use emotional abuse as a method of winning arguments.

    It took years for me to not believe in the back of my head that my current partner would leave me for any kind of inconvenience, and years more to feel ok being vulnerable around her. I still expect her to flip out on me out of the blue, though she never has.

    I thought for many years that I was just a terrible partner who was so bad that it just drove them to be mean. Now that I have a good, kind partner I realize that my fault was in attaching myself to selfish people.

  2. After a very toxic relationship ended I started seeing a girl that I was drawn to in a way I’ve never felt before, had great chemistry,….. Thought I had recovered but discovered that after being broken down by my ex I could ut people off and turn cold without a second thought …… I made the girl feel worthless and it tore me up inside…. I can’t handle putting another girl in that position so decided I’m not built for relationshis

  3. Have had 3 gf’s ask for me to open up. As soon as I did they all lost interest in me never fails. Their heart was in the right place but their subconscious attraction wasn’t is my guess. I battle with depression and have self image issues along with some other trauma when I’m emotional Ill say stupid shiz out of pain so to avoid that noise I just don’t anymore.

  4. Well I was a sensitive lad when I was little. Then everyone around me, parents, friends, teachers, and the goddamn principal told me to man up. Now some of those people wonder why I don’t talk or trust others with my feelings.

  5. Chronic ghosting for about 7 years. I’ve had an unbelievable amount of guys (particularly in their mid 30s) that say such sweet things and have been so great in person just ghost instead of being straight up. The last guy I really liked said he was so glad he met me and would never ever ghost me, 2 weeks later bam.
    It doesn’t sound like anything major, but each time it adds another drop of mistrust to the vessel, which is now so full I can’t believe anyone I date when they show any signs of interest.
    Being straight up could never hurt as much as the ghosting, but it’s somehow become an acceptable part of dating

  6. Middle school. Was very awkward, weird kid. Previous years, although quiet, very happy kid.

    Bruh, the kids that’d target the weird, awkward kid down to oblivion, God damn. Makes me hate kids, and the school system for not teaching basic human decency. Even if they do teach it, teach it like how it’s supposed to be taught and not weird “this is bad” or “this is good” or overly washed up stories, metaphors, and whatnot.

    Kids can see through that shit. I saw through that shit. Been emotionally detached from people since, and generally having shallow emotions didn’t help much in self-rehab. Although I let people in personally, I’m still much mort comfortable having my emotions and most personal shit to myself.

    Quick Edit: Also, girls is a different story altogether. One time, I had a really nice, equally weird, friend who was a girl. We played browser games together in school, shared weird stories. Bruh, the “teasing” hit the PEAK. Situation with girls, from 12 to now 19, has been absolute hot ASS. Waiting for an approach right now, otherwise happy.

  7. Both parents were emotionally unavailable. Endured physical abuse from both. Always have been closed to sharing or showing emotions. Anytime I have shared. They don’t understand what I’ve been through or have done. And eventually leave. It’s best to just not be available emotionally

  8. Not having any romantic situations and constant disappointment for a couple decades makes you emotionally unavailable. Coping mechanism. You can’t hurt if you can no longer feel. I like to occasionally fantasize about being a relationship with someone I know until they get a bf or married and then I just jump to someone else.

  9. A traumatic “first time,” followed by dating someone who was pretty manipulative.

    I wouldn’t say it’s made me emotionally unavailable, but it made me rethink my desire to pursue a love life.

  10. It became a standard self defense mechanism for me, went through some pretty heavy bullying in middle school and my extended family were incredibly abusive to my siblings and mother. Everything kinda broke after my cousin threatened to kill me and my family while we were sleeping.

    After that I just acknowledge the fact that people were fickle and could betray you at the drop of the dime. Developed a bit of paranoia and now I over prepare for everything just in case something goes wrong. I can still get emotionally attached to someone but those connections aren’t deep enough for me to care much for them.

    Although I dont think of it as a bad thing It feels a bit dehumanizing at times since I have to fake a lot my emotions and reactions to not go down the deep end.

  11. Stoic upbringing by my father, bad experiences with emotionally manipulative women in relationships, my parents getting divorced, and getting the impression that people generally didn’t care any time I did try to open up. Perfect storm that pretty much permanently sealed me off from connecting with anyone ever.

  12. My first few relationships were very one sided. I was open and mushy and emotional. In all of them, as soon as my partner knew how much I liked her and how I’d do anything for her, it was a huge turn off for her. Almost like a relationship wasn’t fun if she didn’t have to work for it because I had already fallen for her. There was this understanding that I was the reacher who had to do and endure anything to keep the relationship alive.

    So now, I just don’t show those emotions. That way my partner doesn’t feel like she owns me and can treat me like shit.

  13. I’ve never met a person with whom I can be 100% emotionally exposed to without negative judgement, ridicule or at best, disappointment. It’s not acceptance of who I am if the end goal is to change me into someone else.

    I was just about to describe situations and even had them mostly typed out, only to remember this is not a safe space either. So, nope, you don’t get the events and circumstances.

    I will say that I often appear emotionally open and vulnerable in order to throw people off track or to satisfy their hunger for my vulnerability and thus keep them from digging deeper. I have two walls. The one I let you see over in order to distract you from the real wall, the big one, the one you will never get passed.

  14. Negative reinforcement since forever? Having emotions or talking about them only led to more therapy, more medications, bullying, punishments at home/school. Eventually I learned it was easier to just keep it inside, even opening up in therapy just meant more meds and therapy which further reinforced the whole emotions are bad and you shouldn’t have them mindset. When I’d get comfortable a school I’d be pulled out of it and sent to a different one because “you’ll fit in better”. By middle school therapy sessions were just staring contests, by high school I was only pretending to take my meds and had become pretty decent at keeping my emotions inside, though it took having a mental breakdown and getting kicked out of boarding school to realy get a handle on balancing it all in my head. After high school I started working if i wasn’t in class or sleeping, found it to be an effective way to put all that tension bottled up inside to work. Eventually started working in restaurants and perfected my ability to always have on a happy face no matter what’s going on inside.

    Now I’m in my late 30s and completely unable to express my emotions in anything other than text form, even to my best friends, though there are really only two people that don’t just brush it off as me being dramatic or just pretending to be sad (it hurts when you try and open up only to be laughed at and told to stop joking around). The last two years brought me to a low point that finally forced me to try and start breaking out of this conditioning, but I don’t know that I’ll ever trust anyone enough to truly open up.

  15. Blaming a single event for men being emotionally unavailable is like blaming a light bulb in the room for why the ice melted. Its the entire climate.

    The reason men aren’t available is because the reflexive reaction to men voicing their concerns is to explain to them why its their fault. After a while you just don’t complain.

    Most people subconsiously react with revulsion to feeling sympathy for men. It’s quite primal. In fact the growing trend to tell men to open up is motivated more by a desire to label men as uncooperative than it is to genuinely listen to their concerns. It’s an opportunity to teach those men what is wrong with them. That’s the only direction that conversation will go.

  16. Its not that im emotionally guarded. I just protect myself and only give myself to a woman piece by piece as they earn it. Instead of all these people who watched too much Disney Movies and get all stupid head over heals right away after 3 days

  17. Mine has been caused by a long and not very distinguished list of bad relationships coupled with some childhood stuff. One thing to know is that a lot of the time these defense mechanisms are subconscious and involuntary. It’s really messed up sometimes that the one thing your heart wants is the thing that your mind ends up sabotaging. Just remember that it’s not your job to fix him, you have to decide where your boundaries are in regards to this relationship and end it if you can’t maintain the relationship without violating them.

  18. Bad childhood. Even if I know I won’t get judgement , I feel weak and vulnerable opening up. I also think it’s like a Pandora box , I’m afraid of everything coming out at once , how it could make me a mess etc.

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