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At what point do worries about your girlfriend’s guy friend become valid?

I’m currently going through a rough period with my mental health and have begun to worry about my girlfriends relationship with her work friend.

quick story: girlfriend of nearly 2 years has a friend at her workplace. they see each other quite often obviously but have recently started hanging out outside of work. she has always had a lot of male friends and it’s never been an issue for me.

she went out with some friends including him while I was away recently. not really a problem since it was in a group setting. she was going to go out and get a drink with him the other week for his birthday but never did for whatever reason. felt a bit weird about it but its his birthday and their friends so fair enough.

what im worried about is that she talks about this guy a fair bit and does stuff like make him a cake and bring it in to work for him when she’s not working, drop by work when he’s having a bad day to comfort him I guess?

she’s a very giving person and loves cooking for people, giving gifts etc. its kind of her way of expressing love and friendship and she’s good at it. I’m not and it seems a little involved to me but we have differing personalities when it comes to that sort of thing.

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One thing I keep coming back to is he’s quite young. We’re both early to mid twenties and he’s 18 just out of highschool. in my mind too young to be a worry but I’m not so sure.

any advice? I’m hesitant to bring it up cause she hasn’t really given me anything to doubt my trust in her and in my current mental state it might end badly.

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9 Comments

  1. It’s perfectly valid to feel the way you do especially if you’re a bit wobbly at the moment. But absent of the mental wobble you’re experiencing I’m guessing you have no worries?

    As long as you’re still as strong as you have been and she’s not being weird with you I’d not worry, she just sounds like a nice person doing nice person stuff.

    Best of luck to you chap, hope you feel better soon.

  2. If a straight guy is meeting up with your gf one on one in his personal time it’s because he’s trying to fuck her. No straight guy would waste his own time on a girl if he didn’t think fucking her was a possibility. She may not want to fuck him and may possibly see him as just a friend, but she (maybe inadvertently) is giving signals that fucking is a possibility otherwise this guy wouldn’t be using up his personal time. Simply put, he’s grafting your girlfriend.

  3. Listen, this is just me, but you’ve been with her 2 years. If you still aren’t certain if this is a person you can trust to not betray you, I don’t know what you’re still doing with her. I know people joke how brisbane is quick to tell people to break up, but I’m just saying this to highlight the fact you’ve been with her for 2 years, and you’re worrying about her going behind your back doing something awful? After 2 years in a relationship you still don’t know her well enough to make that judgment call?

    Your worries became valid the moment you had them. They’re your feelings and your feelings are valid, period. The question isn’t whether your worries are valid. The question is whether your valid worries are based on the kind of person you’re worried she is, or your own inability to commit to a level of trust where those worries cease to be. You’re looking for external validation of your internal feelings, but it doesn’t work that way. Whether something is actually happening or not doesn’t validate or invalidate what you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong about it.

    Like I said, you’ve been with her for 2 years. If after two years, you’re having this worry, it tells you one of two things. Either you’re not mature/ready to take the kind of risk that comes with trusting somebody that much to just go “I trust they wouldn’t do that to me, full stop”, or it’s something specific to her. That you ARE mature/ready to take that kind of risk, but not on her. And if that’s the case, I have to ask why? There’s a lack of trust, it’s either coming from you as a person or your view of her as a person.

    Either way, your problem is not this 18 year old coworker. It’s not even whether anything is going on between them. Your problem is either you aren’t ready for that level of commitment to trust another person that much, or you specifically don’t trust her that much and you don’t want to face why you’re holding back that trust on her specifically. It’s been 2 years, well past the honeymoon phase, what’s going to change in the future where this suddenly won’t be an issue anymore?

  4. Well, first of all, you either trust her or you don’t. If you’re feeling insecure, tell her how you feel and why you feel that way without being accusatory. She’ll probably reassure you that it’s just a friendship and once again, you’ll trust her to be sincere or you won’t. Ask yourself, if you can’t trust your partner, does this relationship have any lasting power?

    Secondly, I am in my mid to late 20s and in the past 2 years I baked pretty often for my coworkers who were 19-20. Granted, there were 4 of them, and they lived together, so it’s a little different. I mostly felt concerned that they ate too many preservatives and didn’t get enough home cooked meals….anyway, maybe your gf feels like that. Older sister instincts can be strong. Idk either way, but you should def talk to her.

  5. You need to realise that there is literally nothing you can do. You don’t get to decide/control how she acts or what she does. If she’s wants to cheat she will. You can’t stop her seeing him, screen her texts, *other controlling behaviour.

    This is trust, you trust until the trust is broken, not blindly but with boundaries. Insecurity is a huge turn off so don’t talk to her about this. Go and talk to a therapist if you think you can’t deal with the what if’s.

    Remember, if she doesn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t be. It’s not like anyone owes the other a relationship.

  6. If you are showing weakness right now and she’s spending a lot of time with another guy, she’s probably going to trade you in soon. Sorry

    That being said, don’t let your jealously get inflamed. That will just drive her away faster. You have to learn to accept that she may leave and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s also not the end of the world. She is one of a million, not one in a million.

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