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Assuming that your female best friend has confided that she has feelings for you, how would you convince her that you don’t feel the same way (but that doesn’t reduce how important she is to you)?

Fun fact: I’m the female best friend and this is what he told me. I’m struggling to understand how accept this. Any additional male input is more than appreciated!

Edit: right, I should clarify. We actually have had intimate moments together. I rested my head on his shoulder once. He hugs me every once in a while. We’re definitely emotionally close. We used take long walks together at night and spend a lot of time together before Covid-19 hit.

Anyways, I told him how I felt and this is what he replied with^ (in title)

So I definitely think I’m not one of his “bros” per say. But I’d definitely like to take it to the next level which he doesn’t float with.

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20 Comments

  1. “Dude, you mean a lot to me and I always would want you to be part of my life but I’m sorry I can’t reciprocate the romantic feelings. Maybe things will change but we’ll deal with that if it happens. Just remember that you do mean a lot to me.”

    Is what I would say

  2. So ok 2 things. It probably means he’s not physically attracted to you. I believe for most people and relationships you need that emotional connection AND physical attraction. If you are truly “best friends” then it means that he prob doesn’t have that physical attraction, because it means you guys are close emotionally.

    Can you give us a little more info about what is going on? How old are you guys? How long have you known each other? Are you both single? Taken? Context can always help.

    Now the second point, and this might be harsh but it’s possible he might ghost you out of awkwardness. I don’t think you should take it personally though. It would prob run the same course for you if a guy you were friends with told you he was into you.

  3. Do you have another male friend who you care about deeply as a friend but have no romantic feelings for? Imagine if he came to you saying he has feelings for you. How would you let him down? You’d obviously not want to make things awkward between you but you’d also want to make it clear that you dont feel the same, all while hoping he understands.

    Sometimes people just aren’t into each other the same way and you can let it fester or try to move on. If you can’t move on, you might need to distance yourself from him for a while.

  4. Well…he thinks your cool and likes to be with you but doesn’t see you that way. The best way for you to accept that fact is to step away for a while focus on you and things that make you a better person (in your own eyes). Come back around to the friendship once you are more confident you can be there without needing more because hanging around hopping he changes his mind or that his relationships don’t workout is not healthy and is not a friendship at all.

  5. I’d tell her that I’m really flattered but unfortunately i dont feel the same way, and that even if I’m not into her romantically, i still really care about her and i hope we can still be friends but if not i understand

  6. So one of my best female friends now is a gal who I met in a social group, and started getting feelings for and asked her out.

    She didn’t feel the same about me, but liked having me as a friend.

    She gave me the most caring, compassionate, genuine turn down ever. I wish I remembered her exact words because it was really obvious she did genuinely like me as a person, and wanted me as a friend, but I just wasn’t her type. Sometimes gals tell you that just to be nice, but I could tell she actually meant it.

    years later and when i’m single she loves wing-womaning for me. She’s also married to a really awesome dude now and he and i get along great when i visit her.

  7. It sounds like you’re reading way too much into what are very innocent and platonic contacts and activities.

    >Edit: right, I should clarify. We actually have had intimate moments together. I rested my head on his shoulder once. He hugs me every once in a while. We’re definitely emotionally close. We used take long walks together at night and spend a lot of time together before Covid-19 hit.

    Resting your head on his shoulder one time and hugs… That’s stuff that happens with a niece, sister, etc.

    What he said seems clear, a person can be important to you without having romantic feelings for them.

    Don’t force it, don’t read more into it. All any of us can do is take people at their word, anything else is speculation or projection. Respect him and what he’s told you and move on. You told him, he responded, it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Now you need to let it go.

  8. It means that youre a really good friend to him, that he likes spending time with you, that he thinks you’re a cool person. You’re on of his bros. It is the friend zone.

    That’s not a bad thing, though. Being friends is fine and cool, but it just means he doesn’t want to fuck. He wants to hang, not bang.

  9. So I actually ran into this last week. It really put me in a tough spot, and I’ll explain why.

    I recently left my ex-fiancee because of reasons I won’t put here, but I was in an extremely vulnerable place. Me and the female friend work together, and we will occasionally joke and (I guess) flirt, but nothing that would ever be construed as a hint to wanting physical attraction to happen. I will explain that I’m the kind of person who has never had a “fling”, or casual sex, and it’s been weighing on my mind a lot when she proposed that we get physical.

    There’s a couple of reasons why this really fucked me up. Now I have to try and figure out if she’s only friends with me because she wanted to be intimate, or she actually wants to be a friend because she cares.

    I have trust issues, and I know this.

    There are lines I don’t want to cross with her, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate those feels that she wants to have, and it would effectively drive a wedge between us. I wish I could say for certain why I don’t want to, but I know that I have absolutely no desire to feel that way with her, and it would make me feel guilty on the other side of it because I know she would see it as permission to continue trying to get closer, which I don’t want.

    Part of me wishes I could just be that person because life would be easier, but I know what I don’t want, and I have to hope that she respects that. I don’t like her any less, and things are kind of awkward now, but a true friend would understand. And I like having a friend that I can try and be honest with, without it feeling like I’m pouring my heart out hoping to have her heal it, because I don’t.

    I don’t know if this helped, but it’s really just a tip of the iceberg. I guess, try and understand that in this world, you’re a very small part of it and everyone else is a main character in their own story too. It sucks knowing your feelings aren’t reciprocated, and you probably feel hurt and betrayed, but also know that it probably took a lot of heart for them to explain that to you too. Life sucks.

  10. dude. forget it. don’t pursue people who stated they’re not into you – whichever way it goes it will turn to shit. be proud that you told him what you feel, thankful that he’s a good dude who doesn’t exploit you for a few rides, accept his feelings, and find someone who gladly wants to be with you romantically.

  11. Gotta say, hugging and resting head on shoulder are odd semi-romantic things. I will do them with friends and they are platonic, but if I’m interested in somebody it is romantic. I think being emotionally vulnerable is similar, its really nice, especially for guys who dont get the chance with most people. You are probably a very close friend to him, for me at least you would rate above my broad. Idk if any of this helped, its just my rambling take, ask follow up questions if its confusing.

  12. My wife’s best friend is hot. In fact, when I first saw them walking together I wanted to hit on her friend. But long story short, I’m with who I should be and happy – my wife is also beautiful. However, even though I was initially attracted to that friend, that desire & attraction was replaced and I grew to know that girl as a friend too. Now, that girl is objectionably still hot, but I can’t ever see her like that again. She’s like family.

  13. I’m not in that kind of situation but if I was I would emphasize that I really enjoy having them as a friend and I don’t want to take the chance that we would lose that.

    I wish I was in that situation, because it would make confessing my feelings that I like her so much easier.

  14. I’d tell her that I don’t believe she can truly move on while staying in contact with me. So I’d say goodbye and hope that we meet again some years in the future, tell her my plans to go no-contact, then go no-contact.

    I absolutely love my friends and I care more about their well-beings than our actual friendships. So there just isn’t a chance in hell I’m gonna put her or anyone through the hell called the Friend Zone.

  15. If I speak plainly and deal with her in a forthright manner, I shouldn’t *need* to “convince” her.

    But I’d also know that we couldn’t be that close anymore, at least for a time, possibly forever.

  16. The intimate moments you’re describing are basically what I’d usually do with my homies. My homies, I may add, that I am definitely not sexually involved or in love with. Hugging and not being afraid of being physically and emotionally close in general is basically the bottom line of a good friendship imo.

    It sure is somewhat different with different sexes, but I’ve also had lots of girl friends hug me or rest their heads on my shoulders. And they still were my bros and interested in people that were *not* me.

    Maybe he’s just comfortable around you, but not interested in a relationship with you. That happens and you’ll need to accept that.

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